15 Phrases To Disagree Respectfully, According to Psychologists
Confrontations have been all the rage these days (literally), which may leave you feeling turned off and even more non-confrontational if you weren't already team "just here for the comments" during the last several years.
On the other hand, you may enjoy a good fight. Regardless, it's important to fight fair, and that doesn't seem too popular these days.
"The focus has become on winning or losing an argument," says Reena B. Patel, LEP, a positive psychologist and licensed educational board-certified behavior analyst with 161k followers on Instagram.
The lost art of respectfully disagreeing with someone may have you tempted to lie—to tell the person you're totally down with something, even if your view is 180 degrees different. Alternatively, someone's view may leave you so hot you resort to name-calling. However, experts say knowing who to disagree politely is an essential skill that's needed now more than ever.
"It is crucial that we learn how to politely disagree if we want to have authentic relationships that recognize the needs, interests and desires of all parties involved," says Marty A. Cooper, Ph.D., LMHC, NCC, an associate professor at SUNY Old Westbury. "Politely disagreeing brings additional ideas to the conversation that may result in more optimal outcomes. Avoiding polite disagreement may result in groupthink, someone feeling silenced and distancing of relationships."
Fortunately, psychologists are sharing 15 phrases to use when you need to disagree politely.
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Have We Forgotten How To Disagree Politely?
It sure seems that way, doesn't it?
"There seems to be an increase in polarization across the political divide in recent years," Dr. Cooper says. "From a psychological perspective, this can be understood as a process we call 'splitting,' or understanding things as being either all good or all bad."
Dr. Cooper says this approach can feel easier on the mind and emotions. However, it's harmful.
"It prevents us from engaging in conversations where we can begin to understand the perspective of the other and work toward solutions," Dr. Cooper says.
Britney P. Elzey, Ph.D., M.div, the founder and psychologist at Philautia Wellness, doesn't think we've forgotten but concedes our ability to disagree politely gets overlooked in the modern era.
"Everyone seeks validation in being heard," says Dr. Elzey. "They tend to forget to listen and understand before questioning and disagreeing."
It leads to an "I am right, and I know it" mentality, she adds.
Being Polite vs. Lying: What's the Difference?
It's important to differentiate between politeness and lying.
"Lying when disagreeing means intentionally presenting false information or pretending to agree with someone when you actually hold a different opinion," explains Danielle Roeske, PsyD, MS, the vice president of residential services for Newport Healthcare. "It involves being dishonest in order to avoid conflict, protect your image or manipulate the situation."
Being polite is different.
"Politeness involves expressing your disagreement or differing opinion respectfully and without causing unnecessary offense," Dr. Roeske says. "It focuses on maintaining a respectful tone during a discussion, even if you have opposing views."
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15 Phrases to Respectfully Disagree Without Falling Back on Lying
1. I hear your perspective. May I share mine?
Dr. Cooper says this line exercises diplomacy and caution.
"This statement and question acknowledge that you have heard the other person and asks if your opinion is welcome in the conversation," Dr. Cooper says.
If the person declines to hear your POV, Dr. Cooper says the next steps are up to you.
"If the other person is providing a statement that you experience as egregious, you may also want to consider if this is a conversation that you continue with," Dr. Cooper explains.
You may feel the need to speak up for something, like a marginalized group the person disparaged, regardless of the person's response. In these instances, you may want to consider that before asking for permission to speak.
2. I have a different perspective I would like to share.
Since this phrase doesn't seek permission to share, Dr. Cooper says it's good for when you plan to respond.
3. I truly respect your point, but here's how my perspective differs.
Dr. Elzey likes this sentence for a workplace disagreement.
"This phrase works because the other party is given the chance to view a different perspective," Dr. Elzey says.
4. I'm afraid we have two totally different views, and that's OK!
Sometimes, it's unnecessary—or not worth it—to get someone to see it your way. Dr. Elzey says this one is good for personal disagreements.
"Letting them know that you're OK with seeing things differently de-escalates the conversation before it escalates," Dr. Elzey says.
5. I am not sure that's right.
Patel loves that this phrase gets straight to the point.
"This is a good way to challenge what the other person is saying without straight up saying they are wrong," Patel says. "This works great in work situations where you are all wanting the same outcome, but you may have a different option you want to bring forward."
6. That's a valid point, but...
Patel likes that this phrase validates the other person.
"They will be heard and seen, but that doesn't mean you have to agree," Patel says. "This is great to use with close friends who you don't want to hurt but are safe to share your opinion."
7. I respectfully disagree because my understanding is...
Dr. Roeske loves the specific use of the word "respect" in this approach. However, the diplomacy doesn't stop there. The phrase tees up that you're "offering a clear, factual basis for your disagreement."
"This helps keep the discussion focused on the issue rather than personal feelings," Dr. Roeske says.
8. I understand your point, but I have some hesitations about...
Another one that would have even the most seasoned diplomats applauding.
"This phrase conveys empathy for the other person's position while expressing your concerns," Dr. Roeske says. "It allows for a discussion by highlighting specific issues you'd like to address."
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9. I am glad we can have an open dialogue. I would love to share my thoughts as well.
This phrase can pre-emptively de-escalate a person.
"This is designed to emphasize that you appreciate an open dialogue and to hopefully reduce the defensiveness of the other person," Dr. Cooper says. "It also lets them know that you have other thoughts you would like to contribute to the conversation."
10. I want to make sure we hear from other voices in the meeting.
Dr. Cooper thinks this one is an excellent fit for office meetings when it's clear that people are silently disagreeing with an idea presented.
"This is particularly useful when a few people in the meeting are very vocal about their opinion, and others may feel silenced," Dr. Cooper adds.
11. That's interesting. Can I tell you how I see it?
An alternative to the one Dr. Cooper offered above, this phrase's use of "interesting" validates the other person. Yet, it shifts and sets the stage for a healthy disagreement.
"This is great for having someone see it from your point of view," Patel says. "It is also helpful because it allows them to walk in your shoes [and] see if from your perspective which might change their perception."
12. I don't completely agree, but I can certainly see how you arrived at that conclusion.
This phrase is another one that conveys to the other person that you saw and heard them.
"This phrase acknowledges the other person's thought process and reasoning while indicating your own partial disagreement." Dr. Roeske says.
13. I digress.
Sometimes, it's time to move on, particularly in a work setting. It may be time to table the conversation or leave the decision in the hands of the powers that be after everyone has made their points. "I digress" is a transitional phrase.
"In a conversation that cannot continue to harp on the same point, this helps move on to the next order or matter," Dr. Elzey says.
14. It seems like we may not see this the same way.
Dr. Cooper says this phrase is designed to end the conversation by acknowledging a difference in opinion without reverting to your reasons for disagreeing.
15. Let's just agree to disagree.
Dr. Elzey says this one is ideal for social media and personal situations.
"This honestly ends the conversation," Dr. Elzey says.
The Worst Way To Disagree
According to Patel, "Name calling or making a personal attack to help prove your point."
Honestly, there's nothing polite about either of those.
Next: 10 Phrases To Effectively Start a Conversation, According to Psychologists
