16 Real-Life Sex And Intimacy Questions You’re Too Shy, Embarrassed, Or Worried To Ask About — Answered By Experts
Sex is one of those topics that — although it's more accepted to openly discuss nowadays — is still very personal. Even if you don't mind sharing details about your sex life, you might have certain questions that you're either too shy and embarrassed to ask, or you don't want to waste your time getting lost in the trenches of Google search.
So we decided to collect those questions directly from the BuzzFeed Community — then take them to experts for answers. Our experts were NYC-based psychotherapist and sex therapist, Dulcinea Alex Pitagora, and certified sex therapist, board-certified sexologist, and licensed marriage and family therapist, Jenni Skyler, Ph.D., LMFT, CST.
Your questions covered everything from the difference between asexuality and low libido to tips for masturbation and exploring your body, to the best way to avoid bacterial infections after sex. And, ICYMI, this post is a reader-requested Part Two to a version that published earlier this year. Make sure to check that out, too, if your question isn't listed here.
(If you have other questions that you would still like the answers to, leave them in the comments — and I'll try to get them answered in another future post!)
Note: Responses and questions may have been edited for length/clarity,
1."How can someone get more comfortable with exploring their own body?" —Anonymous
Skyler: By starting! The only way to get comfortable with a new activity — even exploring your body — is by just doing it. I would start in the shower or bath, taking a few extra minutes to lather in a more slow and mindful fashion. Notice the way the soap feels on your body. Notice the enjoyment of the water on your skin. Give yourself some compliments while there!
As you get more comfortable, apply body lotion in a slow and mindful fashion. Then extend this process to looking in the mirror as you do it. As that gets more comfortable, do this in bed, and continue to explore your genitals and sensations of pleasure. Move at whatever pace feels good to you. There is no pressure to make this happen ASAP.
2."Before the pandemic, I was more sexual, and now I barely have any desire. I am even contemplating if I'm asexual. What causes this? I used to masturbate more but now that barely occurs — and that's also more tension release than anything else. Also, in the last few sessions, I've teared up afterward, why is that? I love having my clitoris stimulated but then it gets too much where I don't want to orgasm. Why? I've never orgasmed with another person." —Anonymous
Pitagora: Fluctuations in desire and libido are common and normal. Sometimes these fluctuations are more noticeable than others, and they are particularly noticeable during times in our lives when intense and drastic changes could be taking place — like a pandemic, for example. It’s also very normal to tear up or cry (or laugh, or feel all sorts of unexpected emotions) after an orgasm.
I wonder if part of the issue is there’s a part of your consciousness that believes having an orgasm will feel too emotionally intense for you, especially these days when many of us are doing lots of extra mental gymnastics to not feel emotionally overwhelmed.
First I would say: it’s totally okay to have an orgasm and feel whatever you feel afterward. Next: it’s totally okay to masturbate and not have an orgasm. We’re indoctrinated to believe that orgasms are the punctuation to and goal of sex, but it’s not necessary to have an orgasm to have good sex or to enjoy masturbation. Finally, if you don’t feel like it, don’t force yourself. It’s okay to take a break from your sexuality, and it’s likely there will be another fluctuation later on.
3."My husband is a little large (in girth and length) and I'm pregnant — which means I'm pretty sensitive down there, leading to me feeling sore right after sex. I usually take a bath to soak. Any other advice on how to go about this situation?" —Anonymous
Pitagora: It’s great to think about after-care like taking a bath: as long as it’s not too hot and you don't stay in for too long. I would also recommend thinking about how you’re going about sex and any modifications you can make while you’re feeling particularly sensitive.
There are also so many ways to have sex that don’t involve penetration if you and your partner are open to exploring. For example, mutual masturbation and/or oral sex, using toys that are smaller and more comfortable, or clitoral stimulation toys. If penetration must always be a part of sex for you, think about using extra lube and spending extra time engaging in other kinds of sex (see: earlier examples) before getting into penetration.
The more aroused and lubricated you are, the more soreness should be mitigated. Other types of aftercare could include applying a CBD or arnica salve to the external sore areas, or a CBD suppository. Just check with your OB/GYN to make sure there’s no contraindication.
4."I have been dating my partner for six months but haven’t had sex. He is way more inexperienced than me and I don’t want to pressure him. How do I express that I want to take things further without pressuring him for something he might not be ready for?" —Anonymous
Skyler: Start by having a conversation when you are not in the bedroom or engaging in anything romantic. I'm assuming you two have already kissed and maybe taken things slightly further but stopped before penetration. You can say that you really enjoy the relationship and feel excited and curious about the next step towards sex/penetration.
Then ask how he feels about it. If you have a tone of genuine curiosity, then chances are he won't get defensive, scared, or shut down. If he says yes, you are set! But also be prepared for a "no" answer. You can continue the tone of curiosity to explore the reasons for his boundaries. We all have boundaries for a reason. At least then you can understand the situation without pressuring him.
5."Is it normal not to be 'lubricated' (or: naturally wet) down there before sex all the time? My coworker said that I might be pre-menopause." —Anonymous
CBC / Via giphy.com
Pitagora: It’s very normal to be more (or less) lubricated on different days for multiple reasons, including regular hormonal fluctuations, mood fluctuations, and desire fluctuations. It could be pre-menopause, which is another kind of hormonal fluctuation, but there’s a lot of negative attention on menopause that makes people experiencing it feel like it has to have an adverse effect on one’s sex life, which doesn’t have to be the case.
My suggestion is to have your favorite kind of lube always on hand, don’t feel shy about using it, and don’t wait until sex is uncomfortable to add it to the mix.
6."I'd like to know tips for better masturbation for AFAB (assigned female at birth) people. I grew up in the kind of environment where female masturbation was never even discussed, let alone with any advice on how to do it properly, and I feel as if my ignorance hinders both my ability to give pleasure to myself and my ability to give pleasure to my partner. We're both cis women." —Anonymous
Pitagora: What a great question — to which there are no one-size-fits-all answers. The best thing to do is to take time exploring your body, without any preconceived notions about what’s supposed to feel good or what you expect to feel good. Then just pay attention to the way your body feels, and then do more of what feels good. Slowly explore each part of you separately and in different combinations.
Some people feel best concentrating on the nipples, and the clitoris, some enjoy vaginal or anal penetration, and some enjoy a combination of some or all. Explore sensations on other parts of your body — your neck, your thighs, anywhere and everywhere — and whether you like soft touches or more intense sensations. I always recommend having your favorite lube handy and really think about setting the stage for the sexiest experience you can create for yourself, maybe incorporating music, candles, imagery, stories, erotica, or porn. Take your time and have fun exploring yourself!
7."How does one know the difference between being asexual and just having a low libido? I enjoy being close with someone and would like a partner, but frankly, I could do without sex. (Think: Netflix without the chill.) As you can imagine, this is a pretty lonely way to live, as most people don't understand it. How can I approach dating, particularly when most men I meet want to have sex within the first few dates? For context, I'm a single cisgender heterosexual woman in my 30s who has pretty much always felt this way. There's nothing I can think of that 'triggered' it. Is an ethically non-monogamous relationship the best answer here? (That's not exactly what I'd want, but it feels like a compromise I might have to make in order to someday have a partner.)" —Anonymous
Pitagora: There are many different ways to be asexual and there are many different ways to have a low libido — sometimes they're indistinguishable and sometimes they’re very different. I would say that if you feel like you’re asexual, then you are. Instead of thinking about what sacrifices or concessions you’d be willing to make to widen your dating pool, I recommend thinking about the ideal situation and narrowing down your dating pool to whatever that is. Your likelihood of finding a good match will be higher in a smaller dating pool of like-minded people than in a larger dating pool with people with different preferences and interests.
If your ideal partner is someone like you who doesn’t care about sex but enjoys other types of physical intimacy, I recommend letting people know that before meeting for a date. Also, look in places where people like you are looking for dates (e.g., do a quick internet search with keywords like 'dating apps for asexual people').
8."I would like to enjoy anal, but it’s always very uncomfortable when I try. Is there a way to be relaxed and enjoy it?" —Anonymous
Pitagora: I’m so glad you asked because anal doesn’t have to be uncomfortable. If it is, it’s a sign that you’re not using enough lube, you’re not spending enough time doing other arousing things before getting into anal. Your eyes are bigger than your asshole and you’re starting with toys or body parts that are too big.
I recommend doing lots of other things that turn you on first. Use lots of your favorite lube, and when you’re feeling very turned on and ready for anal, take your time stimulating the anus before penetration, and start with one finger. Stay with that for a while, then increase the number of fingers or size of toys. In short, take your time and use a lot of lube.
9."Whenever I'm having sex and we change position, like from missionary to doggy, my vagina gets extremely tight. It’s hard to put his penis in without things hurting. Why does my vagina do this when we change position?"
Skyler: Sometimes the change of position is our body's message to get more lube, or just stop altogether. However, we interpret this as a need to change position. This might be why it hurts or is difficult to achieve penetration. I would try more lube, going way more slowly for penetration at the change of position, and maybe trying a different position than doggy.
Also, pay attention to any possible numbness or pain in the original position. If none of this works, perhaps try only one position that feels comfortable, then change to a handjob, blowjob, or something that doesn't involve penetration when your body gives you the cue that it's time to end penetration.
Painful sex is our body's brilliant way of telling us something is off. No need to push past that boundary because it often only hurts more.
10."I would masturbate from a young age in order to just ejaculate quickly without getting caught. This habit has followed me into my adulthood and I am 27 now. I have not had sex yet but I have done many oral things. I don’t ejaculate quickly from oral play but I don’t know if that differs from actual sex. My question is: will this cause erectile dysfunction? Have I trained myself to just ejaculate quickly or am I overthinking it which would cause me to? My fiancé and I are planning to have sex soon and I’m a little worried about disappointing her as I have never had sex before so I don’t know how it will pan out. I don’t masturbate as much as I used to but I would hate to think I have trained my body to just ejaculate as fast as possible." —Anonymous
Pitagora: The number one cause of "erectile dysfunction" is stress and putting pressure on yourself to perform in a specific way. I don’t even use the term erectile dysfunction, which is why I put it in quotes. I prefer the more accurate and less stigmatizing/pathologizing term: erectile unpredictability.
Bodies don’t react the way we want them to all the time, and that’s very normal. If you’re in a habit of having sex in a particular way, you can spend time learning new ways of having sex, which will take time and patience, and a partner who understands and is on board with the process.
The most important thing is to find ways to not be stressed out about it because that will make it much more difficult. It sounds counterintuitive, but the more you worry about it, the more it’s likely to happen, so the trick is to not care. And quite honestly, there’s nothing wrong with ejaculating quickly, you can have plenty of other fun sex and experiment with delayed ejaculation by getting creative with your partner and using toys.
11."My gyno says that penis-in-vagina sex is painful for me because my hymen isn't fully gone and because my cervix is in a weird spot. She suggested dilation therapy. But in general, I'm not really interested in PIV sex. Is there any other reason that I would want to go through with the recommended treatment?" —Anonymous
Skyler: First, painful PIV sex occurs for many reasons. Sometimes it hurts because it's our body's way of messaging us that a boundary is needed. Sometimes we engage in sex without having a full internal 'YES' for consent. Sometimes the body remembers a past violation(s). Sometimes there is a medical reason, which creates pain and ultimately becomes a psychosomatic negative feedback loop where we then brace and expect the pain that we had in our last encounter.
If you truly want to write off all penetration (including toys and tampons), then dilator treatment is not needed. If you want any kind of penetration, then make sure you engage in dilator treatment with pleasure. What I mean by this is: include a fun clitoral toy and bring yourself to orgasm with the dilators inside. You are training your body that dilation and pleasure can be positively connected.
12."I want to get into talking dirty with my partner and also some role play, but I feel too embarrassed! How do I get over that feeling?" —Anonymous
Skyler: I would try watching some role play and dirty talk on the screen — and/or reading about it in erotic literature. Seeing and hearing others do it can give us the permission to take a stab and try.
Remember, perfect is the enemy of good. Know that you might fumble and feel embarrassed until you gain more mastery. Sex is supposed to be playful, especially if you role play. So try laughing at yourself as you give those first few attempts a go.
13."I used to be very sexual, masturbated a lot, and was always up for sex. Nowadays, I rarely want sex and I'm rarely ever horny. The things that used to make me horny no longer do. I even find porn boring and I can't find any porn I enjoy anymore. Is this normal? And if so, why does it happen?" —Anonymous
Skyler: When we lose interest in the things that used to bring us pleasure, we have to ask ourselves: what else in our environment caused this possible shutdown? I am curious if you are experiencing some kind of depression that is shutting down the rest of your pleasure system. Busy, stressful, and/or overwhelming circumstances can also cause us to put partner sex and solo sex on the back burner.
Yes, this is normal. And yes, sometimes we have to ride the rollercoaster of life's circumstances that cause us to lose interest in sex. If it feels like it came out of nowhere, perhaps explore how satisfied you are in your relationship — and/or at work. Sometimes just feeling dull and lackluster in one area can be contagious to other areas.
If you want to explore finding your mojo again, seek out activities and hobbies that you feel passionate about — or at least once felt passion towards. See if engagement in those activities can create some contagious impact on your sexuality. Another good option is to talk with a professional about your mental health.
14."When aroused I get really red patches on my chest and arms. Is this normal?" —Anonymous
Skyler: Yep — it's totally normal. Many people develop a red patch or sex rash with arousal. It can look like measles on your arms, chest, or belly. Arousal is getting your body going and that includes lots of circulation. This is a temporary increase in blood flow not just to your genitals, but also to your skin. Don't stress it!
15."I'm a woman in a heterosexual relationship, and I usually get the closest to orgasm when my partner gives me oral. But at a certain point, it feels like too much sensation, so it has to stop before I actually do reach orgasm. Is this just a relaxation thing? Maybe a sensory thing? How can this be fixed?" —Anonymous
Pitagora: I would say you’re on the right track, in that it could be a combination of overstimulation of a particular area, and you also may be bringing anxiety with you in anticipation of the intensity, making it even more intense.
The most important part of sex is communication, so I would recommend having a conversation with your partner at a neutral time when you’re not planning on having sex, so you can brainstorm and collaborate on ways to experiment, and talk about the best way to communicate a change of pace, pressure, or technique is needed during sex.
The most important thing is to release as much pressure as possible, and concentrate on connecting and feeling pleasure, and not so much on whether or not you’re going to have an orgasm. As I’ve said before, we’re indoctrinated to believe that orgasms are the punctuation to and goal of sex, but it’s not necessary to have an orgasm to have good sex. And if you really want one, you can always have an orgasm by yourself later, or while your partner watches you give yourself an orgasm.
16."What is the proper way for a woman to wash after vaginal intercourse when trying to avoid bacteria infections?" —Anonymous
Pitagora: The trick is really not to overwash, because the body needs the balance of bacteria that it naturally produces, and overwashing can disrupt that balance and backfire. Also, avoiding bacterial infections starts before sex, in making sure you’re hydrated (all day, not just before sex), and using plenty of lube during sex to mitigate too much friction, which can be a cause of bacterial infection.