17 Lessons Dumb Men Need To Learn Before Their Partner Gets Pregnant
Take no offense at being called dumb men, my dudes! Having watched my wife go through pregnancy multiple times, I can assure you that when it comes to pregnancy, we're all dumb (make that VERY DUMB) before we've watched it unfold before our very eyes!
Above is a visual representation of what all men look like when their partner tells them they're pregnant: blissfully ignorant of exactly what lies ahead.
But you're in luck, gentlemen! I am here to tell you a little bit about what to expect...and, more importantly, some of what you're NOT THE HELL TO DO under any circumstances! Got it? Pencils ready? OK, here we go!
1.At some point, your partner will run to the supermarket for dinner — as this 39-weeks-pregnant wife did here — and come back with something like this. For your own sake, be chill and DO NOT make a big deal about it. My advice? Sit down as if it's totally normal and eat a bowl of dinner ice cream.
2.Food, as you may be figuring out, is very important to a pregnant person. Usually they will crave a very specific thing, and getting something that's "almost" what they wanted, or "nearly the same thing," won't cut it. For example, if your pregnant partner asks for cheese fries, do NOT be like the dude below and bring back this sad spectacle:
My wife literally cried one night when a McDonald's commercial came on the TV because, she said, "The french fries just look so good." It was late at night, but I ran out to get her some, which is really the least you can do when your partner is working 24/7 for nine months to deliver your baby.
Most importantly, if your partner has a late-night craving, NEVER start a sentence with, "Well, I hope you don't expect me to..." It will not end well.
3.Your partner will joke around with friends — like this woman who sent a shot of her pregnant belly to her sister, who responded with a shot of her own belly. THEY will find this funny. This is a joke between THEM. But YOU, my fellow dumb man, are not to find this funny. Do not even comment on it! Your best bet is to change the subject immediately by offering your partner a foot rub.
And god help you if you hold the phone close to your face and go, "Wow, is that your sister?" You'd probably have to move to another country after that, just so you know.
4.I wouldn't recommend commenting on cards like this from your partner's friends, either!
5.Similarly, your partner's friends can send them books like this and they will think it's hilarious. But if YOU bring home a book like this, your partner will not find it funny. Trust me.
Now is not the time to be a funny guy making dark jokes about parenting. Now is the time to show your partner you might actually have it in you to be a good dad.
6.Basically, be careful what you joke about. Yes, this woman's American Psycho shirt looks funny bunched up over her pregnant belly, but cackling, "Whoa! Your T-shirt looks so weird 'cause you're pregnant!" will not get the response you're expecting.
7.That is not to say your pregnant partner won't have a sense of humor! They most likely will (just like the wife who sent her husband the meme below about her pregnancy craving). The two of you will likely laugh a LOT throughout the pregnancy, but it's a stressful time, and not everything is funny.
8.But there will be laughs...just as there surely were when this wife took a photo of her pregnant belly with her doggo's feet poking out:
9.And if your partner is pregnant over Halloween, there will be opportunities for hilarious costumes, like this one:
10.Sometimes your partner will be funny without realizing it, too, like when this pregnant woman tried to surprise her husband, but her belly gave her away:
11.Your partner will probably go through a nesting phase, where they do EVERYTHING to get ready for the baby. This will involve some normal, pedestrian things — like putting the baby room together — and also some questionable ones, like practicing swaddling on your pet:
12.And practicing diaper changes on your pet too:
Your partner might laugh with you if you tease them for doing this, or it might go poorly and turn into a fight about how you don't care about getting ready for the baby. And while you may think, I'm not against preparing for the baby, I just don't want to put a diaper on the cat!, blurting that out won't help your cause as much as you think it will. So my advice is to grab a diaper and try putting it on Kitty!
And hats off to all the cats and dogs out there! They're often as involved in the pregnancy as anyone else in the fam.
13.If you haven't realized it by now, your partner WILL get mad at you at some point during the pregnancy. It's a stressful time, the pregnancy hormones are real, and let's face it — you'll undoubtedly have moments when you act like an insensitive, clueless dolt. So if they send you something like this, take it in stride:
The text reads: “Among the Huichol Indians, the father traditionally sat above his labouring wife in the rafters of the hut, with a rope tied around his testicles. When his partner felt a painful contraction she would tug on the rope, so that he too would experience the pain which would bring new life."
14.Another important thing: Keep in mind that long before you see your child with your own eyes, you will look at them via grainy ultrasound imagery. So do NOT freak out if your baby looks like, say, the Predator. Odds are that when your baby is born, they won't actually look like the Predator.
Sorry to anyone out there who was thinking that it would be awesome to have a Predator baby!
15.There are a lot of quirky — and maybe more than a little weird — people you will meet on your family's pregnancy journey. Lamaze coaches, randos in the street who want to touch your partner's stomach, and even obstetricians...like the one who uses this pen:
Try not to sweat it...because the people get even weirder after your kid is born!
16.Then there's the matter of the baby shower. Most likely, this is something your partner's family and friends will handle entirely, and all you will have to do is show up or get lost for the day. But! If you ARE asked to help, I would advise against making a chip-and-dip bowl like the one this dad-to-be made:
17.To sum things up, guys, while I don't believe pregnant people are as difficult to deal with as Google does (sheesh, Google!), it is true that your partner might be a little on edge, considering all the stress, hormones, and strain on their body. So don't make their life any harder than it already is by being a dumbo!
Remember that a) you're not as funny as you think you are (so keep the snark to yourself), b) you should ALWAYS get the fries in the middle of the night, and c) your partner is putting themself through the wringer to bring your child into this world! That is an amazing, beautiful thing you should always be grateful to them for! So go get the fries in the middle of the night. I mentioned getting the fries, right?