18 Phrases To Use With Your Adult Kids That Will Transform Your Relationship, According to Psychologists
An adult child hugging her mom
It may seem like only yesterday you were baby-talking to a newborn or videotaping a toddler's first words. Now, that little one is all grown up. Your communication has evolved. However, once a child hits adulthood, the game really changes.
"Having an adult child means that they now have legal rights to make decisions," says Reena B. Patel, a parenting expert, positive psychologist and licensed educational board-certified behavior analyst with over 165K Instagram followers. "As parents, we want to be mindful of their right to decide and make decisions on their own. When children are younger, we have the ability to control decisions and navigate their choices."
That respect can be a positive aspect for some parent-adult-child pairs.
"Communicating with an adult child can feel more peer-like than talking to a teen," says Dr. Kamran Eshtehardi, Ph.D., a California-based psychologist. "Instead of feeling like they're living in completely different worlds, parents can relate more to their adult children's lives and talk with them about a wider range of topics."
However, finding the right words can feel like a challenge. The adult child may be having trouble navigating a situation. That situation may be healing from something they say you did. Experts helped parents find the words to speak to their adult child, plus shared one tactic to 100 percent avoid.
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6 Phrases To Express Love for an Adult Child
1. "I love you for who you are."
It's not grandiose, but one psychologist says this phrase is one of the most profound things you can utter to an adult child.
"Too often, I hear adult children fearing that they are not enough and might not deserve love," says Dr. Kelsey M. Latimer, Ph.D., CEDS-S, BSN, a psychologist and founder/owner of KML Psychological Services. "Most adults still find exceptional comfort in hearing that they matter and are good enough. There’s nothing more powerful than hearing this from your parents."
2. "I love spending time with you."
Patel notes that spending quality time together is a way to show love. Reinforce how important this time is with this simple phrase.
3. "I'm grateful for you."
Gratitude for one another is an overlooked aspect of a healthy parent-child relationship—particularly when both are adults.
"Gratitude often goes unshared, and expressing it can benefit a parent's relationship with their adult child and the parent's sense of well-being," says Dr. Eshtehardi.
4. "I am so proud of you—not just of what you've accomplished but of who you are."
Dr. Eshtehardi says sharing how proud you are of an adult child is important.
"Expressing that you are proud of your adult child can be affirming for them and facilitate bonding," Dr. Eshtehardi says.
This phrase also stresses that you love them for them—not just a milestone accomplishment like nabbing a dream job or getting married that allows you to brag to your pals.
5. "I love creating memories with you."
Patel loves how this phrase expresses a parent's love for a child and the time they spend together.
6. "I love it when you come to me."
If you notice you're a sounding board for an adult child, take it as a compliment—and let them know how meaningful it is that they trust you.
"This phrase is a great way to say that you love being that person for them that they feel safe around and can come to," Patel says.
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6 Phrases To Help an Adult Child Who Is Struggling
1. "Let me know how I can help you."
Seeing an adult child struggle is hard, but Patel says it is important to let them know they have space and choices. This short phrase does just that.
"It's giving them a choice to take you up on offer," Patel says. "You are letting them know you are available but not overstepping."
2. "I’m here for you."
It's natural to want to fix a problem for an adult child, like you used to kiss a boo-boo and make it better.
"Adult children have adult problems," Dr. Latimer says. "Most of the time, when a person comes to you, they just want to be heard."
So, once you utter this four-word sentence, give your adult child the floor (if they want it).
"Sometimes, the most impactful thing we can do for someone is to say nothing at all—just being there in the hurt of life is the most powerful support and love we can show," Dr. Latimer says.
3. "I believe in you."
This phrase is so validating, especially if someone's struggles have depleted their self-esteem.
"It gives them confidence and lets them know you are on their team," Patel says.
4. "That must be so hard."
It's tempting to lean into toxic positivity and tell someone their problems "aren't that bad." However, Dr Eshtehardi advises using empathy instead.
5. "It makes total sense that you feel this way. It's a tough situation."
This approach also goes heavy on validation.
"Validating phrases are typically most useful when an adult child is expressing frustration with themselves for having painful feelings," Dr Eshtehardi says. "If we want to move through struggles in a way that's compassionate to ourselves, we need to understand that what we're feeling is valid, even if we don't want to be feeling that way."
6. "It’s OK to make mistakes."
Your child may have really stepped in it. If they're beating themselves up, avoid piling it on.
"Give them the grace and space to know that even if it's not the outcome they [wanted], you would be there for them," Patel says.
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6 Phrases To Use When an Adult Child Critiques Your Parenting
1. "I hear what you are saying. Let me try to be better."
Patel recommends this phrase because it avoids defensiveness, lets an adult child know you heard them and indicates a desire to improve.
2. "I’m sorry for the things I could have done better."
Real talk: No parent is perfect.
"I think most parents truly try and do the best they can in the moment," Dr. Latimer says. "But being human means we are flawed and make mistakes. Those mistakes impact the people around you—including your kids. Just because something happened 20 years ago doesn’t mean it is erased from your adult child’s life."
In her work, Dr. Latimer has seen the power of this phrase to begin a healing process because it recognizes the adult child's lived experience and feelings.
3. "You deserved more than I knew how to give in this situation."
An alternative to the second phrase, Dr. Latimer says this one expresses regret. However, she wants parents of adult children to know: "The intention is not to sit in a shame spiral of apologizing but to try acknowledging something happened that hurt, and you see that and want to shift things now," Dr. Latimer says.
4. "I'm so sorry I made you feel that way."
Dr. Eshtehardi says it's important to acknowledge mistakes. It's one of the first steps to healing fractured relationships.
5. "I know things have been hard between us...I'd love to work together with you on that."
This phrase can put parents and adult children on a track toward repair.
"While on the journey of repair, parents need to express their willingness to change," Dr. Eshtehardi says. "This is how we go from acknowledging a problem to actually solving it."
You might name what you'd like to change, such as communication.
6. "I want you to know that I love you no matter what. I am committed to us having a healthy relationship."
It always comes back to love, doesn't it?
"It is also important to express our ongoing love and commitment while pursuing repair," Dr. Eshtehardi says. "This acts as a foundation for relationship change."
What Not To Say to an Adult Child
Avoid saying anything defensive—even if they're critiquing you. For instance, "I did my best, so just get over it" is wildly invalidating.
"Even if you did do your best, it doesn't mean it wasn't hurtful," Dr. Eshtehardi says. "This statement invalidates the adult child's experience and sends the message that talking about the issue is off-limits."
If you feel yourself getting defensive, choose to say nothing.
"It's totally normal for a parent to get discombobulated when talking to their adult child, especially about tough topics," Dr. Eshtehardi explains. "This may lead to being defensive or moving too quickly into problem-solving mode. Focusing on listening can help prevent us from saying something counterproductive."
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