180 Best 'Succession' Quotes and Insults
Succession has come to an end, and though star Jeremy Strong believes it's a tragedy — which, depending on your opinions of the possibility of redemption, could be true — for many, it's a comedy: The show satirizes the tragedy that the characters, spawned by Logan Roy (Brian Cox), bring upon themselves and those closest to them. Because they're not serious people!
The HBO smash is going to really be missed (shout out to all the fans who want to fix Roman Roy!), but these biting and hilarious Succession quotes and Succession insults will live on forever.
Related: Everything to Know About the Final Season of Succession
Succession Quotes
Roman Roy Quotes
1. "You look tired and your face is giving me a headache." — Roman Roy
2. "Frank! It hasn't been the same without you. It's been better." — Roman Roy
3. "He's afraid of needles. He's not a real junkie." — Roman Roy
4. "What comes after 9? 9B?" — Roman Roy
5. "You have to stop this." — Roman Roy
6. "Hey, Buddha, nice Tom Fords." — Roman Roy
7. "I thought I smelled dairy." — Roman Roy
8. "I think our position must be that we're just done cornholing our dad." — Roman Roy
9. "I think we have to drink a couple of martini passive aggressives." — Roman Roy
10. "You're totally fine, just throw her another ten grand. Or a snowmobile and some teeth-whitening vouchers." — Roman Roy
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11. "He was a king once. Now look at him. Eating sh*t with feet of clay, a f*cking neutered hound-dog. Elvis on the f*cking toilet! Like, he doesn’t come back from this, right? He just walked around the New York Stock Exchange with his severed d*ck in his hand asking where was good for free soup. He just ate the big dog d*ck. Sucked that pooch bone dry!" — Roman Roy
12. "What I think he meant to say was that he wished mom gave birth to a can opener, because at least then it would be useful." — Roman Roy
13. "Oh, wings! I wonder from which particular creature they snipped these wings! Perhaps a mammal!" — Roman Roy
14. "You inhuman f*cking dog man." — Roman Roy
15. "Aw, what’s wrong? You all wedgied up because Rhea stood on your back and worked your arms like an elliptical?" — Roman Roy
16. "Ooh, nice vest, Wambsgans. It’s so puffy. What’s it stuffed with, your hopes and dreams?" — Roman Roy
17. "He’s like a sex robot for Dad to f*ck." — Roman Roy
18. "I was never a corporate c*ck-suck anyway. Besides, I never made it this high in the f*cking building! They stuck me in LA with Old Father Time right here. We were the pool boys, right, Frank? F*ckin’ banana cabana?" — Roman Roy
19. "Ken did great. It was Tom who farted in his s*it." — Roman Roy
20. "‘Control the narrative.’ You probably yell that when you c*m. ‘Oh, control the narrative! Oh, control it. Control the narrative!’" — Roman Roy
21. "Where do you buy your suits by the way, Tom? Like, maybe that’s why I’m just not moving as fast as you. I just don’t have that, like, boxy, corporate look, right? I mean, I’m sorry, but like, what the f*ck? You look like a Transformer. Like, wh—what’s wrong with your body, man?" — Roman Roy
22. "Look at you, scanning for influence like a yuppie Robocop." — Roman Roy
23. "It’s dirty, it’s weird, and it’s evidence of precisely the kind of disgusting liberal metro butt-love that makes our viewership angry enough to buy pharmaceuticals." — Roman Roy
24. "What the f*ck is this obsession with milk? You know who drinks milk? Kittens and perverts." — Roman Roy
25. "I'm going to take a sh*t. Want me to livestream it?" — Roman Roy
26. "We just made a night of good TV." — Roman Roy
27. "I am King Dong. I am King of Dong. Bow down to me." — Roman Roy
28. "Discord makes me d*ck-hord." — Roman Roy
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Logan Roy Quotes
29. "Why am I looking at all of this pizza?" — Logan Roy
30. "I was about to take advice from a clown who dives headfirst into the shallow end of the pool." — Logan Roy
31. "She can f*ck off and enjoy her lily-white chicken flesh conscience working for a f*cking phone company." — Logan Roy
32. "People come to us because we don’t sell them on anything. No packet of f*cking bleeding heart, United Nations, Volvo, gender-bender horses*it." — Logan Roy
33. "Do you have a problem?" — Logan Roy
34. "You’re a f*cking creep. I mean you — you went for three jobs, you didn't get any of them. Your vineyard was a write-off. And now your trophy girlfriend is sucking some waiter’s d*ck in Palermo, so now you’ve come crawling back, like a f*cking worm." — Logan Roy
35. "Someone send a telegram to Ilona telling her she’s no longer required and my best to her cancer." — Logan Roy
36. "I'm still here. I haven't gone. You getting your Viking hat on early?" — Logan Roy
37. "He’s selling me things I want at a fair price. So what’s next? Fellatio?" — Logan Roy
38. "Just text on your phone, ya bendy f*ck." — Logan Roy
39. "Why don’t you pipe down till you come and tell me I’ve got a grandson coming? Hmm? Or are you shooting blanks?" — Logan Roy
40. "She's a million years old. It's f*cking disgusting. You're a laughingstock." — Logan Roy
41. "You wanna do good things? Be a f*cking nurse." — Logan Roy
42. "You are such f*cking dopes." — Logan Roy
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43. "I need a firebreather. A ruthless f*ck who will do whatever it takes." — Logan Roy
44. "Smart people know what they are." — Logan Roy
45. "In this city, the rats are fat as skunks. They hardly care to run anymore." — Logan Roy
46. "I love you, but you are not serious people." — Logan Roy
47. "What have you had your entire life that I didn’t give you?" — Logan Roy
48. "Drive your f*cking whirly bird." — Logan Roy
49. "So sue me—my lawyer used to work for the justice department, who’s your lawyer? Mr. F*cking Magoo?" — Logan Roy
50. "This is about as choreographed as a dog getting f*cked on roller skates." — Logan Roy
51. "Munsters. Think they're f*cking Munsters." — Logan Roy
52. "Let the minutes reflect that Logan Roy shoved his boot up Frank’s ass." — Logan Roy
53. "You're dry as f*cking dust." — Logan Roy
54. "You're useless. You're as bad as my f*cking idiot kids." — Logan Roy
55. "You're not a killer." — Logan Roy
56. "Oh Christ, Sid F*cking Caesar." — Logan Roy
57. "Happy Christmas, you clock-watching f*cks." — Logan Roy
58. "Romulus. When you're laughing, please do it at the same volume as everyone else. We didn’t get you from a hyena farm." — Logan Roy
59. "I’m going to grind his f*cking bones to make my bread." — Logan Roy
60. "Would you like to hear my favorite passage from Shakespeare? 'Take the f*cking money.'" — Logan Roy
61. "Anyone who believes that I am getting out, please shove the bunting up your ass." — Logan Roy
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Kendall Roy Quotes
62. "You can't put a value on a human life. Except in our case, you rather precisely can, because when trading opens tomorrow, we're gonna drop like a stone." — Kendall Roy
63. "He's a guy we can do business with." — Kendall Roy
64. "The dinosaur is having one last roar at the meteor before it wipes him out." — Kendall Roy
65. "I'm better than you. I hate to say this because I love you, but you're kind of evil." — Kendall Roy
66. "Little Lord F*ckleroy has joined the call." — Kendall Roy
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67. "When you say the thing that's not, that's a lie." — Kendall Roy
68. "I wondered why you looked like a goose about to sh*t a house brick." — Kendall Roy
69. "Stay hydrated." — Kendall Roy
70. "A show about politics called Inside Baseball. How f*cking confusing is that?" — Kendall Roy
71. "My dad is a bastard. They need to know I'm a bastard too." — Kendall Roy
72. "You couldn’t get a job in a burger joint let alone a Fortune 500 without some nepotism." — Kendall Roy
73. "You tell yourself you’re a good person, but you're not a good person." — Kendall Roy
74. "Bitches be catty, but the king's my daddy." — Kendall Roy
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Cousin Greg Quotes
75. "Where are your kids? Where's all your kids Uncle Logan, on your big birthday?" — Cousin Greg Hirsch
76. "I never intended to soil these halls." — Cousin Greg Hirsch
77. "He's just moseying, terrifyingly moseying. He's like if Santa Claus was a hitman." — Cousin Greg Hirsch
78. "I'm more than a sprinkle." — Cousin Greg Hirsch
79. "It's like Jaws if everyone in Jaws worked for Jaws." — Cousin Greg Hirsch
80. "A lot of very important people want to scream at you." — Cousin Greg Hirsch
81. "I gots the old rumblin' tum." — Cousin Greg Hirsch
82. "What do you want me to do? Take his legs out?" — Cousin Greg Hirsch
83. "I don't do white drugs." — Cousin Greg Hirsch
84. "It's not like they pre-poop them, they're just bags really. It's a mental barrier." — Cousin Greg Hirsch
85. "I'm a sturdy birdy." — Cousin Greg Hirsch
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86. "I can drink these, right? These are drinks for people?" — Cousin Greg Hirsch
87. "His crew knows some unseemly venues. I danced with an old man. Yeah, he didn’t want to dance, and they made us dance. He was so confused. I drank things that aren't normally drinks." — Cousin Greg Hirsch
88. "Negotiate a bit of a Gregxit." — Cousin Greg Hirsch
89. "I don't know how you did it in the '60s. Different times. Different times indeed. Better times? Not ... not for all." — Cousin Greg Hirsch
90. "What am I gonna do with a soul anyways?" — Cousin Greg Hirsch
91. "If it is to be said, so it be, so it is." — Cousin Greg Hirsch
92. "What is your toenails are not all that aesthetically pleasing?" — Cousin Greg Hirsch
93. "We hear for you." — Cousin Greg Hirsch
94. "I can take a lot in terms of psychological pain." — Cousin Greg Hirsch
95. "I'm worried about prison. I just feel because of my physical length, I could be a target for all sorts of misadventures." — Cousin Greg Hirsch
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Tom Wambsgans Quotes
96. "Hanging around, like the threat of nuclear war." — Tom Wambsgans
97. "Ooh, but they’re not, in fact, receipts! Greg, you’re a criminal mastermind. What polyglot genius could ever hope to crack your impenetrable code?" — Tom Wambsgans
98. "He did once call me the c*nt of Monte Cristo." — Tom Wambsgans
99. "This is like Israel and Palestine, but way harder and way more important." — Tom Wambsgans
100. "Forgive me, but are we talking to each other on the poop deck of a majestic schooner? Is the salty brine stinging my weather-beaten face? No? Then why the f*ck are you wearing a pair of deck shoes, man?" — Tom Wambsgans
101. "It's a long way back from pond life because you failed to get me a double-shot, OK?" — Tom Wambsgans
102. "I have of late decided not to tarry too much with hope." — Tom Wambsgans
103. "What are you saying, all Aztecs are stupid? Don't be a racist little bitch about it." — Tom Wambsgans
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104. "I just wonder if the sad I'd be without you is less than the sad I get from being with you." — Tom Wambsgans
105. "Bodega sushi? Are you insane?" — Tom Wambsgans
106. "My digestive system is basically part of the Constitution." — Tom Wambsgans
107. "Your earlobes are thick and chewy. They're like barnacle meat." — Tom Wambsgans
108. "Greg, this is not f*cking Charles Dickens' world, OK? You don’t go around talking about principles. We're all trying to do the right thing, of course we are. But come on, man! Man the f*ck up!" — Tom Wambsgans
109. "You don’t hear much about syphilis these days. Very much the MySpace of STDs." — Tom Wambsgans
110. "She's brought a ludicrously capacious bag. What's even in there? Flat shoes for the subway? Her lunch pail?" — Tom Wambsgans
111. "She couldn't get her cloven hooves into regular shoes." — Tom Wambsgans
112. "Here's the thing about being rich: it's f*cking great. It's like being a superhero, only better." — Tom Wambsgans
113. "Information is like a bottle of fine wine. You store it, you hoard it, you save it for a special occasion and then you smash someone's f*cking face in with it." — Tom Wambsgans
114. "Greg, do not put anymore more lemon water or wasabi in his eyes, OK?" — Tom Wambsgans
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Shiv Roy Quotes
115. "Who watches the watchmen? I f*cking do." — Shiv Roy
116. "Well, this is why you don’t hatch a plan with Connor, the first f*cking pancake." — Shiv Roy
117. "F*cking Pontius Pilate." — Shiv Roy
118. "You're wiry. You're like a f*cking spelunker." — Shiv Roy
119. "Killing hobos isn’t a hobby." — Shiv Roy
120. "Oh, what is that? Date Rape by Calvin Klein?" — Shiv Roy
121. "You have a toddler with a hard-on for a chief operating officer, and I'm going through a management training program?" — Shiv Roy
122. "Goodbye, my dear, dear, world of a father." — Shiv Roy
123. "Just think: Yeah, once you’re done, you won’t have to waste the 12 seconds it takes to look up something on Wikipedia." — Shiv Roy
124. "You love showing your pee-pee to everyone, but someday, you know, you're actually going to have to f*ck something." — Shiv Roy
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125. "This stinks of stale pale male and you need an outsider to advise." — Shiv Roy
126. "Have you ever had a f*cking grapefruit without an agenda?" — Shiv Roy
127. "Cold and inhospitable. Checks out." — Shiv Roy
128. "So, send out two cover stars for Toxic Male Monthly — and why don't we get Ted Bundy up there and make it a three-way?" — Shiv Roy
129. "What is this, McCarthyism? I'm not declining. I'm just not clining." — Shiv Roy
130. "I think sometimes you just need a good old-fashioned dinosaur cull." — Shiv Roy
131. "Do you outsource your f*ckery? You got your right brain for your TED Talks, your left brain for your killings?" — Shiv Roy
132. "Oh, hello? Is this the replicant department? Yeah, my meat puppet has stopped working." — Shiv Roy
133. "A tsunami just came and washed everything away. No one is checking the d*cks." — Shiv Roy
134. "I can do f*cking anything, my dad just died." — Shiv Roy
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Connor Roy Quotes
135. "Love is a strange and peculiar affliction. It's like a virus. So could you please just stay here a while, and maybe you'll catch it?" — Connor Roy
136. "It's kind of a greeting card from hell. It's a Times New Roman firing squad." — Connor Roy
137. "A real bar with chicks and guys who work with their hands and sweat from their hands and have blood in their hair." — Connor Roy
138. "I'm the eldest son. And I must be considered, and I need to be taken into account." — Connor Roy
139. "The butter is too cold! The butter's all f*cked! You're f*ckwads and you f*cked it! There's dinner rolls ripping out there as we speak!" — Connor Roy
140. "I'm not saying I'd make a better CEO. That's unsaid." — Connor Roy
141. "$5 million is a nightmare. Can't retire, not worth it to work. Five will drive you un poco loco, my fine-feathered friend." — Connor Roy
142. "Sometimes I think I'll never understand Dad until I sh*t outside." — Connor Roy
143. "You're needy love sponges and I'm a plant that grows on rocks that lives off of insects that die inside of me." — Connor Roy
144. "But if you don't allow it, I'm gonna punch Tom in the face and I'm gonna rip my shirt open, I'm gonna take a f*ckin' dump on the ground. I'm gonna go apesh*t, because she's the woman I love." — Connor Roy
145. "Her dot is at an aquarium supply retailer. Is that a drug thing?" — Connor Roy
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146. "The good thing about having a family that doesn't love you is you learn to live without it." — Connor Roy
147. "Can I just be your fun guy in Uruguay?" — Connor Roy
148. "This family's broken. And that has consequences. A missed phone call today, a couple dozen kids lose their jobs in China. Butterfly wings, but bigger, huge wings. Like a pterodactyl, or the Smithsonian. So let's fix our wings." — Connor Roy
149. "America, be afraid. Be warned. For the Conheads are coming." — Connor Roy
150. "It just makes an election so much more interesting when you're in it." — Connor Roy
151. "If I was to fall under one percent, I feel like I would become a laughingstock." — Connor Roy
152. "Hey, if you wanna print something in your little book, you may print the following line: 'Connor Roy was interested in politics at a very young age.'" — Connor Roy
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Miscellaneous Succession Quotes
153. "Oh, God forbid I will miss the plaque, right? Your shiny little gravestone." — Marcia
154. "We're calling Kerry a taxi to the subway so that she can go home to her little apartment." — Marcia
155. "Is Greg necessary?" — Hugo
156. "What’s it like being married to a man with two a*sholes?" — Hugo
157. "They call Gil 'Meth Head Santa,' because he so rarely delivers." – Hugo
158. "Tom, it’s tough to have to tell you this, but I’m in a sexual relationship with your mother. She talks in her sleep." — Gerri Kellman
159. "You little slime puppy." — Gerri Kellman
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160. "I guess if you did have something deal-wise, it’s kinda like, dead in the water now, right? Kinda like the women who went on those cruises." — Stewy
161. "F*ck you, too, you pusillanimous piece of f*cking fool’s gold." — Stewy
162. "The Logan Roy School of Journalism. What’s next, the Jack the Ripper Women’s Health Clinic?" — Ewan Roy
163. "Any other man would have died from the shame. It’s hard to know which is more toxic: your news outlets or your cruise division." — Ewan Roy
164. "This whole family is a nest of vipers. They'll wrap themselves around you, and suffocate you." — Ewan Roy
165. "He fed a certain kind of meagerness in men." — Ewan Roy
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166. "Actually, it’s quite good, your being the second-most important person at your wedding. Takes the pressure off." — Caroline
167. "Some people just aren't made to be mothers. I should've had dogs." — Caroline
168. "I don’t mean to make a big thing of this, but is it possible your father is the worst human being who ever lived?" — Gil Eavis
169. "You’re a bunch of bloated dinosaurs who didn’t even notice the monkeys swinging by ‘til yesterday. " — Lawrence Yee
170. "We hire people who want to work here. And we serve a demographic of highly, highly intelligent viewers, who are really tired of being patronized elsewhere by latte-sipping douchebags with hundred-dollar haircuts." — Cyd
171. "Everything feels very vivid today." — Willa
172. You can't be jumping for joy the whole time." — Willa
173. "Hey, listen. At least I’m only getting fucked by one member of this family, yeah?" — Willa
174. "Sometimes when you were absent they used to refer to you as the calamari c*ck ring." — Frank
175. "You're a clumsy interloper and no one trusts you. The only guy pulling for you is dead. And now, you’re just married to the ex-boss' daughter, and she doesn't even like you. And you are fair and squarely f*cked." — Karl
176. "Poor bastards. Hanging in the window like Peking duck." — Karl
177. "I don't care what you think. You're a tribute band." — Maddsen
178. "She's like an estrogen air freshener we have around to keep it smelling clean." — Maddsen
179. "St. Francis of Assisi! You’ve brought me animals!" — Nan Pierce