3 Reasons You Should Never Eat Pickles
When I was toddler, I would eat absolutely anything. My parents would mash up the weirdest combinations of food in my bowl and I would go to town, using one hand to shovel food down my throat and the other to paint our kitchen walls like a overweight drunk Picasso. But the years of my parents playing their continuous game of Fear Factor with their savage little daughter came to a sudden end when I hit middle school. It seemed like overnight my absurdly gross eating habits (such as eating cold hot dogs straight out of the fridge for breakfast) changed drastically. My iron tummy was gone.
Out of nowhere, I started to dislike a lot of foods that I used to eat all the time. But there was one food in particular though, I really hate: pickles.
Back in the day (my parents claim) I used to douse pickles with mustard and dunk them in ketchup and crunch away. Now, I cannot even bear the sight of them. This almost fear of mine tortured me through middle school and high school. During lunch time, my best friends would purposely buy pickles to eat right in front of me because they knew the smell and the sound would literally drive me to tears. One of the worst moments of my life was the time a guy friend tricked me into thinking he was going in for a hug when really he pulled a pickle out of nowhere and stuck it right on my cheek, which stuck to me like a magnet that was branding my soul. I cried.
So why am I so grossed out by these cucumbers from hell?
They Look Like A Certain Male Appendage
Let's be honest, pickles look like pimply green penises that were just dunked in vinegar and called a snack. I'm confident the bagel store near my house is actually selling replicas of The Hulk's penis.
They Smell Terrible
The lingering stench of pickle burns a hole through my nostrils. They smell like that weird boy in middle school that never wore deodorant to gym class. Is vegetable body odor a thing? I rather cuddle with a skunk then have a pickle within five inches of my nose, at least skunks are kind of cute.
The Sound People Make When Eating Pickles Is Revolting
Everyone has their own little version of how to eat one, but they are all pretty much the same. They grab the pickle in their hand, crunch down on it and then suck up all the pickle juice that squirts out. Crunch, slurp ... vomit. I absolutely can't stand it. A food should not be that crunchy and that slurpy. People let the juices dribble down their chins and wrists and after they are done they sit there smiling with satisfaction in their pickle stank. No, thank you.
I joke with my parents all the time that they are to blame for this bizarre disgust I have of pickles. Maybe if they hadn't fed me like a human garbage disposal as a child things would be different, but that's all in the past now. I still think I turned out half okay.
America will continue to love their pickles, and people will continue to think I'm a whack job when they see me sprinting out of the diner when I forget to ask for no pickles on my burger. That's just the way it has to be. Maybe one day I'll be able to hang out with my friends while they crunch and slurp away, but until then I'm fine with still being that weird girl in the corner looking like she's about to throw up on herself.
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