30 great New Year jokes and quotes
Mark Twain (1835-1910), author of Huckleberry Finn and Tom Sawer, in a letter to Virginia City Territorial Enterprise in January 1863
“New Year's Day: now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual . . . New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls, and humbug resolutions.”
Albert Einstein (1879-1955), the German-born physicist who developed the general theory of relativity, asked for his New Year resolution
“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.”
W H Auden (1907-1973), poet and essayist
“The only way to spend New Year's Eve is either quietly with friends or in a brothel. Otherwise when the evening ends and people pair off, someone is bound to be left in tears.”
When Harry Met Sally – what Billy Crystsal's character Harry says to Sally (Meg Ryan) in the 1989 American romantic comedy film written by Nora Ephron
“It's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realise you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”
Ogden Nash, American poet (1902-1971)
“Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn't it, of a long line of proven criminals?”
Charlie Brown’s response to Patricia 'Peppermint Patty' Reichardt's question, “Have you made any New Year's resolutions, Chuck?" The dialogue was in a 1986 animated TV special based upon the popular comic strip Peanuts, by Charles M. Schulz
“You know how I always dread the whole year? Well, this time I'm only going to dread one day at a time.”
William Holden, who played Joe Gillis in Sunset Boulevard
“This is New Year's Eve. How about living it up a little?”
In Memoriam, by Alfred, Lord Tennyson (1809-1892)
“Ring out the old, ring in the new, Ring, happy bells, across the snow: The year is going, let him go; Ring out the false, ring in the true.”
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900), playwright and poet
“Good resolutions are simply cheques that men draw on a bank where they have no account.”
Helen Fielding (1958)- in her 1996 novel Bridget Jones (above, Renée Zellweger, who received an Academy Award nomination for playing Bridget in the film adaptation)
“Dieting on New Year's Day isn't a good idea as you can't eat rationally but really need to be free to consume whatever is necessary, moment by moment, in order to ease your hangover. I think it would be much more sensible if resolutions began generally on January the second.”
PJ O’Rourke (1947-) is is an American political satirist, journalist and author
“The proper behaviour all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to.”
English author Neil Gaiman (1960-)
“Whatever it is you’re scared of doing, Do it. Make your mistakes, next year and forever.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1913), American author of The Devil’s Dictionary, who also described New Year Year as “An Idiotic holiday contrivance dedicated to frenetic group stupidity"
“YEAR: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.”
Charles Dickens (1812-1870), in The Chimes
“A new heart for a New Year, always!”
Poet John Clare (1793-1864)
“Old papers thrown away, Old garments cast aside, The talk of yesterday, Are things identified; But time once torn away, No voices can recall: The eve of New Year's Day Left the Old Year lost to all.”
TV host and comedian Jay Leno (1950-), who also joked: “New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.”
“Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average… which means, you have met your New Year's resolution.”
James Agate (1877-1947), critic
“New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.”
Homer Simpson
“You want me to spend more time with Dad? What about my New Year's resolution?”
John Dos Passos (1896-1970), controversial American writer, author of The 42nd Parallel (1930), 1919 (1932), and The Big Money (1936)
“The stupid years patter on with unrelenting feet, never stopping, rising to little monotonous peaks in our imaginations at festivals like New Year's.”
TV host Oprah Winfrey
“Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right.”
Andre Gide (1869-1951), French author and winner of the Nobel Prize in Literature in 1947
“But can one still make resolutions when one is over 40? I live according to 20-year-old habits.”
GK Chesterton (1874-1936), English writer, poet and lay theologian
“The object of a new year is not that we should have a new year, but rather that we should have a new soul.”
Actor Zach Galifianakis (1969-), star of the Hangover films
“This year my New Year's resolution is to stop saying ‘Seacrest out!’ after I ejaculate.”
One of America's Founding Fathers, Benjamin Franklin, in the 1755 Poor Richard's Almanac
“Be at War with your Vices, at Peace with your Neighbours, and let every New Year find you a better man.”
Joey Adams (1911-1999), American Comedian and author of the book Borscht Belt
“May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions!”
Baseball star Dave Beard, seen here celebrating during a game for Oakland Athletics against Kansas City in 1981
“Many years ago I resolved never to bother with New Year's resolutions, and I've stuck with it ever since.”
Actress and writer Catherine O’Hara
“I know. I’m lazy. But I made myself a New Year’s resolution that I would write myself something really special. Which means I have until next December, right?”
The Children of Men by PD James is set on New Year’s Day, 2021. Not recommended as a cheery read to start the New Year.
“The last human being to be born on earth was killed in a pub brawl.”
Anon
“A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.”
Poet Robert Burns (1759-1796)
“Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind? Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and days of auld lang syne? For auld lang syne, my dear, For auld lang syne, We'll take a cup o' kindness yet, For auld lang syne.”