5 life-changing lessons from Larry David

Larry David’s existence has made us all better, and we all need to give him his flowers right now.

This is the last season of "Curb Your Enthusiasm" and I have to say that I am actively grieving. I am really going to miss this show. Which is funny because, I had no idea what "Curb" was about when it first aired. I would ask my friends who were trying to turn me on to "The Sopranos" and "The Wire" how did this old white guy get a television show about running around LA and going out to lunch, and who would always seem to end up in an argument that he started? “Larry David isn’t a TV show,” I argued, “He’s a menace!”

“Nah, bro, he famous because he invented 'Seinfeld,'” My friend Troy told me, taking a long pull of the blunt I had just passed him. “Slim [David] made all the money off of 'Seinfeld,' and now he just go out to lunch and f**k with people all the time.”

“Wow, that is a pretty good story,” I responded before watching and becoming a fan.

For the past 24 years, I have watched Larry David go out to lunch and use a mix of comedy and forced interactions to make the world a safer place for all of us – well maybe not all of us, but those of us who enjoy the humor wrapped up in everyday life. And as we enjoy the 12th and final season, I would like to share some classic lessons from "Curb" through the form of practices, that if applied right, will deliver infinite joy while raising the quality of your life as well.

Larry's gifts to us: 

01 Identifying the chat and cut (and pig parkers): Season 8, Episode 5

In the episode, Jeff (Jeff Garlin) and Larry are in a lengthy food line at a party when he notices a woman smoothly skip the entire line and make her way to the front where she pretends to know a guy who is about to be served. Larry eyes her as she starts to have a conversation, and quickly identifies her as a person who's trying to pull off the chat and cut.

The chat and cut is very simple; you act like you know a person, you start a small meaningless exchange and try to pretend that you are with them, so you don't have to wait in line like everyone else. This is extremely wrong, and not only did David name it, he called it out while giving us the language to make sure it never happens to us again.

I have since called out people who were trying to pull off the chat and cut while also being crafty enough to chat and cut my way in front of a number of people. Thank you, Larry.

Pig parkers get honorable mention in this episode. A pig parker is an absolutely disgusting person who pulls up into a parking lot that have lines for designated parking spaces, ignores those designated spaces and parks on the line, or even worse takes up two parking spots. These people deserve their windows busted. Not saying you should do that, but at least hold them accountable like Larry did.

02 The "Happy New Year" cutoff: Season 10 Episode 1

Larry has developed rules for the statute of limitations on saying Happy New Year. People are in the episode telling Larry “Happy New Year” weeks into the year, which I believe is too long. This is also a question that I struggled with in my own life, where there has been times I've been told “Happy New Year” all the way up until like April or May. Why are you telling me Happy New Year in May? That makes no sense; the year's halfway gone.

Larry decides on three days, which is plenty. If I don't see or hear from you during the first three days of a new year, then you don't have to wish me a happy new year. Not to mention that we wish people a “Happy New Year, the whole entire week after Christmas, meaning that the phrase lingers around long enough.

The moment after I saw this episode I could not wait for the New Year to roll back around, so I could just tell people who told me Happy New Year, that they missed the cutoff time, meaning that I unlocked a level of pettiness that Larry would be sure to respect and appreciate.

This episode also introduced us to “jostling the fetus.” A phrase Larry laid on a pregnant woman who was jogging on the treadmill. I’m not saying that you should go around offering unsolicited advice to pregnant women, but Larry made it funny. 

03 Becoming a social assassin: Season 8 Episode 3

In this wonderful episode, Larry is headed to a dinner with friends. Once he arrives at their place, he hits his golf buddy’s car while parking, causing about $1,500 worth of damage. Larry admits that he's wrong and agrees to pay.

While at the dinner table, some pleasantries and jokes are exchanged when Larry notices his golf buddy’s wife saying, “lol, lol,” as a response, instead of actually laughing out loud. Larry identifies this as verbal texting, which is one of the most disgusting things a person can do. I agree.

Later in the evening, Larry tells the host that her potatoes are too cold amongst other sharp critiques. Larry's golf buddy is so impressed with his truth-telling ability, that he agrees to wipe away the $1,500 debt if Larry pulls his wife aside and tells her to stop speaking in verbal texting. Larry says he would have done it for free, but is happy to be out of paying the bill.

After the task is complete, Larry explains the whole ordeal to Jeff who calls Larry a social assassin.

The world needs more social assassins, people who are brave enough to cut through the BS and tell the truth, regardless of how it makes people feel. I feel like if they were in existence, the Supreme Court would look completely different, and a guy like Trump would have never run for president.

Wishful thinking. 

04 The breakfast loophole: Season 12, Episode 4

Larry goes to a restaurant and is seated with his party around 10:50 am. The waitress pops in and disappears, not coming back till after 11. The problem is that at this point, the restaurant switches over to lunch so there's no way for the party to order breakfast, which presents a problem as everyone at the table wants breakfast.

Don’t you hate this? I know all of my breakfast lovers do.

This is one of the most ridiculous rules in restaurant history, and we all have been there. However, I say this as a pedestrian who has never worked in the kitchen. But I don't need the work in the kitchen because I got a chance to watch Larry, who discovers the breakfast loophole. Most restaurants sell a cobb salad or some variation of such where eggs and bacon are always the main ingredients. So, if you have eggs and bacon available in the kitchen, then you can still have breakfast, and that is the loophole.

;

05 The non-recommendation recommendation: Season 6 Episode 10

Larry has a meeting with Matt Tessler, who was once a "Seinfeld" director. Tessler is looking for a new opportunity because after he directed a cancer scare episode of "Home Improvement," he claims to be stuck in the dramedy ghetto.

Tessler hears that Larry's best friend comedian Richard Lewis is shooting a new pilot and meets with Larry to get a recommendation. The problem is that Larry thinks Tessler is a horrible director, so he doesn’t really want to recommend him. But he is kind of a friend and a collogue, so he does recommend him, in a non-recommending way.

“I’m recommending him because he asked” says Larry, but not because he thinks Tessler can do the job.

Lewis thinks it's a real recommendation though and hires Tessler, who ultimately ruins the pilot and Lewis' chances of returning to Hollywood with a bang.

The lesson here is to stay away from the non-recommendation recommendation because my no’s mean no. But I had to reference it because it was a genius piece of comedy between Larry David and the late Richard Lewis who we miss dearly.

We all love "Curb" because of Larry David's antics; however, "Curb" wouldn't be "Curb" without Richard Lewis. May he rest in peace.

"Curb Your Enthusiasm" airs Sundays on HBO and streams on Max. The finale airs on April 7.