These 50 Quotes From "What We Do In The Shadows" Made Me Ugly-Laugh In Public
What We Do in the Shadows has become one of the most hilarious and well-written sitcoms in recent years.
In the series, based on the film of the same name, Taika Waititi and Jemaine Clement present the story of four vampires and their human familiars enduring the trials and tribulations of living in modern America. Now that Season 3 has come and gone, let's take a look at the 50 funniest quotes From What We Do in the Shadows.
WARNING: SPOILERS AND MATURE CONTENT AHEAD!!!
50."One of the best ways to drain people's energy is via the internet." —Colin Robinson
Colin is always on the hunt for energy to feed on, leading him to become an internet troll. He has multiple computers set up so he can send annoying, mean, and offensive comments to people to get hits of energy. This eventually gets him into a fight with a literal troll, which sends the message that you should be careful about people you meet (or insult) online.
49."Listen, I don't know about you, but I'm very much in the mood for some sexual intercourse." —Laszlo
When is he not?
48."All I know is I haven't had a whiff of Wu or Tang!" —Laszlo
Even when he and his friends are captured and threatened with death, Laszlo can only think about erotica. Now you have to hope they'll get the Wu-Tang Clan to star as vampires next.
47."We sent ravens. We sent 500 RAVENS! I'm shocked and appalled that you didn't raven us back." —The Guide
So apparently, vampires use ravens instead of phones. Does that mean they use parrots as voicemails?
46."Pablo Picasso. More like Pablo Picasshole." —Nadja
The number of clever one-liners this show comes up with is just incredible.
45."She speaks the bullshit." —Laszlo
When the vampires are put on trial for "vampicide," one of the witnesses argues against them, and Laszlo comes up with a hilarious counterargument.
44."I was a very ferocious soldier in the Ottoman Empire. Which meant a lot of killing, a lot of pillaging. People would say, 'Please don't pillage me!' And I would say, 'No, I'm pillaging everyone, you included.'" —Nandor
The man doesn't discriminate. He pillages people equally.
43."I was relentless. They would call me Nandor the Relentless. Because I would just never relent." —Nandor
That's a very succinct description of yourself.
42."If I find I'm in a situation where an idiot is complaining to me, you can either kill them or you can pretend to listen to them." —Nandor
Good advice.
41."What kind of goat sorcery is this?" —Laszlo
I don't think those words have ever been said in that order before.
40."Look at the pictures on the glass! It's the Jeebus man!" —Laszlo
Everyone knows that vampires are afraid of anything holy and religious, and Laszlo perfectly expresses his fear of going into a church when Nandor decides to attend a funeral. He can't even say Jesus's name right.
39."We have total dominion from here to here!" —Laszlo
The vampires barely have any territory in Staten Island, but the way Laszlo dramatically declares it is just hilarious.
38."Gizmo, get the dildos. Gizmo, try out the dildos. Hmm, how are the dildos? They're fine." —Guillermo
Gizmo really does a good impression of Laszlo.
37."Be strong, sweet little one. Someday they will all be dead and you will do a shit on all of their graves." —Nadja
It's nice to see Nadja's compassionate side. When she comes across virgin LARPer Jenna (Beanie Feldstein), she takes pity on this young woman when she sees how the men in her life mistreat her. Though she eventually turns her into a murderous vampire, it's heartwarming to see Nadja looking out for her fellow woman.
36."You are supposed to support me when I want to murder someone!" —Nadja
That's probably not how a healthy marriage works.
35.The Baron: "You know what I've always wanted to try?" Laszlo: "Coprophilia." Laszlo: "No, pizza pie! Is it as wonderful as they say?" *Turns to Laszlo* "Coprophilia?"
For those of you who don't know what that word means, you're gonna have to look it up yourself. Be careful, though.
34."You people are as much fun as the plague. Remember the plague? And how much fun it was? That's this." —The Baron
Veteran actor Doug Jones is hands down the best side character as Baron Afanas. He delivers each of his lines with wicked glee, and this is one of the Baron's best as the ancient vampire tries to loosen up and have a fun night.
33."If I ever find out who did it, I will take a dagger and stab them 5,000 times with this hand! Switch hands. And then stab them another 5,000 times!" —Garrett
When Dave Bautista stars as a vampire wrongfully convicted for one of Laszlo's crimes, he makes a threat that is delivered in hilarious Bautista fashion. You can definitely hear Drax saying this.
32."We were so poor, we used to use donkey dung for fuel, and when the donkey dung ran out, we would have to burn the donkey." —Nadja
Throughout the series, we see Nadja recount her struggles growing up in a poor village, and despite how sad they are, they are just nonsensical and hilarious. You have to wonder if Natasia Demetriou makes up all these stories on the spot during filming.
31.Guillermo: "'Laszlo sucks,' backwards." Laszlo: "Laszlo doesn't suck! And if he did, he certainly wouldn't do it backwards!"
When the vampires' house becomes haunted by ghosts, one of them leaves a terrifying note for Laszlo. Of course, he misinterprets the message and gives us one of his cleverest comebacks ever.
30."She said that my pornos were boring, which is an unbelievable reaction. I showed her a century's worth of my pornos. That's a lot of porn. I don't think she followed the plots." —Laszlo
They all say they watch it for the plot, and they never do. But that porn parody of Seinfeld that Laszlo does looks promising.
29."Do you remember that first time we made love? It was so passionate, I accidentally cut off your head." —Nadja
Everyone has bad experiences with their first time, but this is ridiculous.
28."There is nothing more devastating than finding out your husband has made porn...and it's so bloody boring." —Nadja
Just when you think you know Nadja, she says something completely different. When Laszlo digs up his old "home movies" for their upcoming sex party, Nadja has some words of criticism for her husband that ultimately turn him off. Pun intended there.
27."Why aren't they wearing capes? Looks like anyone can be a vampire in Mana-hatta!" —Laszlo
The way Matt Berry pronounces words while playing any of his characters is hysterical, and he delivers the goods as Laszlo when he and his friends visit a club in Mana-hatta.
26."You are just a lovely guy that I took very strong sex with a couple hundred thousand times, and then my husband cut your head off. Move on!" —Nadja
We've all had our hearts broken at least once in our lives, but the show takes it to a new level when Nadja drives away the spirit of her reincarnated lover after getting his head cut off for the millionth time.
25."It's a big, bloody stupid hat with a big, bloody stupid curse on it, and every time you wear it, something bloody stupid terrible happens!" —Nadja
Laszlo has a hat made from a witch's skin, and he repeatedly insists that it isn't cursed, despite the many misfortunes it brings. Nadja hilariously sums up the hat's backstory and her frustration over it, and she hates it even more as the show goes on. We all have an outfit that a loved one doesn't like but we keep anyway, but none of them ever caused a nightclub to be burned down from a flaming arrow, as far as we know.
24."No, I know what you're bloody like! If you eat the mean one, you're gonna be mean all evening!" —Nadja
She sure knows her husband.
23.Nadja: "Have you gone soft, my sweet syrup pie?" Laszlo: "No, my sweet syrup pie, I've gone hard!"
Laszlo just can't help but blurt out innuendos.
22."I am just a stupid human man. Oh, ouch, ouch, my balls. I love to drink beer." —Nadja
This is pretty much every human frat boy ever.
21."She used to be such a cute, little fresh-faced girl. But now she just looks like an elephant's knee." —Nadja
That's not a nice thing to say to a friend you used to terrorize when they were little.
20."Creepy paper. Creepy paper. Creepy-oh! Multipack!" —Nandor
In classic Shadows fashion, we see Nandor shopping for party decorations at a supermarket, and this whole fish-out-of-water situation is too funny. And the way he pronounces "crepe paper" is just priceless.
19."I'll be honest with you. My lookalike is kind of giving me a chub." —Colin
At least we know Colin has a good self-image.
18."No, no. Nandor, that's the Stairmaster, the master of the stairs." —Laszlo
A pretty accurate statement from a guy who's high on drug blood.
17."How are you supposed to be a strong, thrilling, powerful warrior and love with a name like Jeff? It is like a weak ejaculation! Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh. Jeff." —Nadja
Only Nadja could make the name "Jeff" into an insult. After watching this episode, you will never be able not to think of it when the name comes up.
16."And we are truly sorry, and we are taking this very seriously, and these are our serious faces. Serious. Serious. Serious." —Laszlo
He doesn't sound very...what was the word, again?
15."It says I am 100% white." —Colin
There is definitely no nuance to that.
14.Colin: "This is science." Nandor: "But this is a turtle."
When Colin tells Nandor about the big bang theory, they both go down a rabbit hole of scientific research that rocks Nandor's entire world. The science completely contradicts Nandor's religious view of how the world was held up by elephants sitting on the turtle, and this hilarious exchange sums up the difference between them.
13.Laszlo: "Where did you get them from?" Guillermo: "Amazon, so..." Laszlo: "Well, then, you get in your car and drive them back to the Amazon!"
Never approach your vampire friends with a bundle of stakes, or else you'll really set them off.
12."I was doing the bloody disco a hundred years before any other f@#$er." —Laszlo
Do not mess with the tempo king.
11."He's as mad as a wax banana." —Laszlo
It's unclear how he came up with this simile, but it is funny, nevertheless.
10."I talked to Rob. He didn't wanna come. He wants to leave it behind." —Evan the Immortal Princess of the Undead
When the vampires are put on trial by the Vampire Council, we see that it is made up of famous celebrities who have played vampires in the past, including the cast of the original Shadows film. However, we learn that Robert Pattinson didn't want to make an appearance, referencing his hatred of his iconic role in Twilight. It's a hilarious meta-joke that gets even funnier when we learn that Tom, Brad, and Kiefer couldn't come, either.
9."I have recently rediscovered my love for topiary sculpture: the art of bush manipulation." —Laszlo
Seriously, is everything in Laszlo's life sexual?
8."One human alcohol beer, please." —Jim the Vampire
@theshadowsfx / Via Giphy
Legendary actor Mark Hamill plays the role of Jim the Vampire with utter perfection, and we hope to see more of him pursuing Laszlo and drinking human alcohol beer.
7."It seems that, uh, government workers are immune to hypnotism. It's like their souls are dead or something." —Nandor
Of course, he learns this while going through immigration services.
6."You are all such strong, beautiful, vicious, vibrant women. How did you all end up married to such boiled potatoes?" —Nadja
I think just about every married woman on the planet has asked herself the same question.
5."I did apply for my American citizenship back in 1992 for five reasons and five reasons only: Johnson, Jordan, Bird, Barkley, Ewing." —Nandor
Who knew Nandor was so into basketball? When you think of vampires, you don't usually think of them as being into American sports. But it's another reason we just love Nandor the Relentless.
4."These poor women. They take a lovely, handsome chap from the street, make him their husband, and then, in the blinks of an eye, he becomes a big, lazy sack of shit. So sad." —Nadja
So sad.
3."Now he's just gone up to a drunk man and he's drunk the drunk man's blood that has made him drunk." —Nandor
Judging from that sentence, Nandor may have gotten a contact drunk.
2."We drunk the blood of some people, but the people were on drugs, and now I'm a wizard." —Nandor
@theshadowsfx / Via Giphy
It is just too funny to see the vampires partying with the Baron, mollied out of their minds.
1."F@$king guy!" —Nandor
This line has been Nandor's catchphrase throughout the show, and it just gets funnier every time he says it. By itself, it's a guaranteed laugh, but the way actor Kayvan Novak says this line with his hilarious accent makes it even more memorable. Truly a line worthy of Nandor the Relentless.