6 Signs You Experienced Chronic Gaslighting as a Child, According to a Psychotherapist
The back of an upset, lonely child
Gaslighting is a hallmark sign of narcissistic abuse, and it's beyond toxic. That's not TikTok talk—it's real talk.
"Gaslighting makes you question your reality, and it’s a form of manipulation or abuse. In a major role reversal, it victimizes the perpetrator and makes the victim the perpetrator," explains Dr. Elisabeth Crain, PsyD., a doctor of psychology and licensed psychotherapist.
This abuse is horrible regardless of when it occurs. However, the consequences can be especially devastating when a parent does it to a child.
"For kids that are gaslit, it’s actually worse than being gaslit as an adult," Dr. Crain says. "Kids are dependent on adults. They’re in a situation where they have to align with a narcissistic or otherwise manipulative parent. They don’t have a way out of it, so they will blame and shame themselves as a way to cope."
Learning precisely what happened to you—chronic gaslighting—can be difficult. However, Dr. Crain says it's a significant step towards healing and learning to build healthy relationships with others and yourself as an adult.
"People who grew up being constantly gaslighted carry a lot of shame and think things like ‘I must have done something wrong’ when, in reality, someone has just gaslit them into believing that about themselves," Dr. Crain explains. "This understanding of what gaslighting really [is] lets you take back the power in your own life and gives victims peace in knowing that the things that happened to them weren’t actually their fault."
It's time to take back your power. Dr. Crain shares six signs you experienced chronic gaslighting as a child and tips for moving forward.
Related: 8 Signs You Have a Toxic Mother and How To Heal—According to Psychologists
Risks of Chronic Gaslighting in Childhood
Kids don't have a choice. They have to make a relationship work with their parent, who they depend on for food, shelter, money, rides to medical appointments and school, among other essentials.
Moreover, children are still developing and learning how to identify emotions and inappropriate behavior (something parents are supposed to help them with).
"Kids don’t have the agency to extricate themselves from toxic behavior," Dr. Crain explains. "They may lack the coping skills for these situations."
As a result, Dr. Crain says children who are chronically gaslit with resort to:
Denial
Self-blame
Shame
"They will think ‘I must be the problem’ because their parents have made them feel this way," Dr. Crain says.
Unfortunately, as Dr. Crain explains below, these thoughts continue into adulthood. It makes it hard for victims of gaslighting to develop healthy relationships or view themselves in a positive light.
Related: 10 Red Flags Your Parent Is a Narcissist, According to Therapists
6 Telltale Signs You Experienced Chronic Gaslighting as a Child, According to a Psychotherapist
1. You question your own reality
Warping a victim's sense of reality is a hallmark gaslighting strategy.
"If your parents make you question your own reality, making you feel like you’re the crazy one, it's a sign of gaslighting," Dr. Crain says.
For example, you may have gotten visibly upset when a parent commented about your weight and mentioned it later. Your parent may have told you they never said it or that you were overreacting. As an adult, you may lack trust in yourself or constantly question your feelings, unsure if you need to calm down.
Related: 13 Red Flags of Gaslighting at Work and How to Respond, According to Psychologists
2. Self-blame
Another big tactic used in gaslighting, Dr. Crain says, is that parents often blame children for things they may or may not have done. A broken lamp you never touched? Totally your fault. Didn't hug Grandma, causing her to leave in a huff? You ruined the night.
As an adult, you may engage in people-pleasing behaviors to protect yourself, find that you constantly apologize even when you did nothing wrong or think every fight in a relationship is your fault.
3. Revisionist history
This gaslighting sign is a big reason people question their own reality (see No. 1).
"This is when you say something happened or recall a scenario that has played out, and the gaslighter says something like, 'That never happened,'" Dr. Crain explains. "They revise history, making the victim question their reality or sanity."
In similar situations as an adult, you may question your version of things even if you have a paper (or text message/social media messenger trail). For instance, a romantic partner and co-parent swears you never asked them to be home to help bathe the kids at 8 p.m. and continues the narrative even when you show them a text reminder. Victims of childhood gaslighting might side with their partner because of their history of abuse.
Related: 14 Genius Phrases To Shut Down Gaslighting, According to Psychologists
4. Role reversal
This one is especially toxic in parent-child relationships when the adult is supposed to advocate for the kid.
"In role reversal, the gaslighter becomes the victim and makes the victim the perpetrator," Dr. Crain says. "The gaslighter blames or shames. It is a form of narcissistic abuse."
For instance, you may have tried standing up for yourself and letting a parent know that their comment about your shirt or performance in a recital hurt your feelings. They responded by telling you that your tone was rude or that you were embarrassing them. You may hesitate to advocate for yourself later in life.
5. Manipulation
"Victims of chronic gaslighting as a child will have been manipulated in a variety of ways through methods like guilt-tripping or triangulation," Dr. Crain says.
For instance, a parent may give you the silent treatment or withhold affection for not following their wishes to a T. As an adult, you may find yourself diving too quickly into relationships (or having your guard up so high that you can't seem to commit to a long-term romantic partnership or even career).
Related: 8 Genius Comebacks for Dealing With a Manipulator, According to Psychologists
6. Coercion
All of the above leads us to this.
"Victims of chronic gaslighting will have been coerced and put under near constant duress," Dr. Crain says.
As an adult, you may find yourself chronically stressed and anxious, waiting for the other shoe to drop. If walking on eggshells is your norm, you may have been gaslit as a child.
Related: 7 Helpful Phrases for Politely Expressing a Different Opinion, According to a Psychologist
How To Heal from Chronic Gaslighting as a Child
1. Understand what happened to you
Gaslighting is a commonly used word, but it's misunderstood. Moreover, not everyone has heard of it. However, you need to understand what gaslighting is to move forward and heal.
"Having a mastery and deep understanding of what it means to be gaslit can help you heal," Dr. Crain says. "Until we have that psychoeducation, we are prone and susceptible to have that happen to us again."
Dr. Crain recommends going to therapy to unpack your experiences of being gaslit and how they've impacted you as an adult.
"Gaslighting can leave you with shaken confidence, feelings of shame, guilt and confusion," Dr. Crain says. "Reclaim your power by understanding the truth of the situation."
Related: The One Thing Millennials Always Bring Up in Therapy, According to Licensed Therapists
2. Implement what you've learned
While you may have once felt powerless to your gaslighting parent(s), implementing what you learn in therapy is empowering.
"Once you understand what has happened, you can start to process the feelings around the shame, guilt and confusion and come out on the other side and take back your power," Dr. Crain says.
3. Set boundaries
Boundaries protect you.
"If you’ve been hurt or gaslit, you don’t want it to happen to yourself again," Dr. Crain says. "You want to be savvy enough not to be a victim of these behaviors again. When you’re empowered and in a place of knowledge and understanding and can sense the red flags, you can prevent yourself from further insult or injury and from being a victim of this again. You can live a more peaceful life."
Next: 35 Phrases To Set Boundaries Firmly and Fairly, According to Mental Health Pros
Sources
Dr. Elisabeth Crain, PsyD., doctor of psychology and licensed psychotherapist.
