6 Ways to Support Your LGBTQ+ Loved Ones (and the Entire Community)
June 28, 1969 served as a catalyst for the LGBTQ+ community. That night, patrons of New York City's Stonewall Inn — a popular gay bar — resisted and confronted police who regularly raided the bar. The riots and marches that followed that night led to led to a rise in LGBTQ+ activism around the country that has not slowed down to this day. But despite the progress made in securing rights and equality for the LGBTQ+ community, there is still a lot of work to be done. (It wasn't until June 2020 that the Supreme Court passed a law protecting LGBTQ+ workers from discrimination in all 50 states.) As members of the community continue to fight for their rights and safety in this country, it's extremely important to learn how to be an LGBTQ+ ally.
The first step is showing unconditional, constant love to people who identify as LGBTQ+, whether you know them or not. There is a possibility someone in your life identifies as LGBTQ+, but may not be open about it just yet. Seeing you support the community as a whole could signal that you are a safe space for them.
“Community and acceptance, for us, is literally a lifeline. It can be a matter of life and death,” Jadelynn St Dre, a queer therapist in Berkeley, who works with LGBTQIA clients, tells Woman's Day. “Family acceptance is a number one health indicator for LGBTQIA folk.”
Whether you want to take your support for the LGBTQ+ community to the next level, or are just starting the journey to being an ally (and that's totally OK) here are some ways to be a better advocate and ally for the LGBTQ+ community.
Educate yourself.
Brooklyn-based therapist Shari Appollon tells Woman’s Day that taking the initiative to educate yourself is one of the most important ways that you can support a LGBTQ+ loved one.
“Family members who want to show up for those they care about can increase their own education around the LGBTQ+ community through avenues like literature and social media,” she explains. “People can take that initiative on their own.”
Luckily, there are plenty of resources available. A good place to start is PFLAG, an organization for LGBTQ+ people, their families, and allies. There are also a number of books, movies, and podcasts about the LGBTQ+ community that highlight the struggles and strides its made over the last 50 years.
St Dre also suggests that people looking to educate themselves look for content written and created by LGBTQ+ people.
Listen when your loved one shares with you.
Appollon tells Woman’s Day that one of the important ways to support a loved one — or anyone for that matter — is to listen to them.
“Listening to that person in your life without feeling the need to prove something or correct something, just listening to their human experience is a fantastic starting point,” she says.
Non-judgmental listening is also particularly important because conversations around gender identity and sexual orientation require openness.
“When an LGBTQIA person comes out or invites you into a conversation about their identity, it’s a very vulnerable thing, and it needs to be treated as a vulnerable statement that needs holding, and love, and attention, and acceptance,” St Dre says.
Don’t rely on your preconceived ideas about LGBTQ+ people.
When a family member comes out as transgender, for example, you might immediately think about news stories you’ve read or TV shows you’ve watched about trans people. While that can perhaps be a frame of reference, it is important that you don’t use these to make assumptions about your loved one. As St Dre points out, LGBTQ+ people (like everyone) have varied experiences and lives.
“We’re not all the same,” she points out. “Looking at your assumptions about queer and trans people is also a really important part of the equation. Taking a look at the things that you assume about our communities or that you’ve heard from somebody, stuff you’ve seen in the media - even if some of those things might be true for some of us, they’re definitely not true for all of us.”
Be an advocate.
"You have an opportunity to use your voice. Talk to your pastor, talk to people at work, talk to your family members, offering education and sharing your support for the LGBTQIA communities," St Dre tells Woman’s Day. It is important, however, without sharing the experiences, stories or identity of your loved one. "Outing an LGBTQIA person without their consent can be both devastating and dangerous," St Dre says.
If you’re wondering what else you can do to be an ally for LGBTQ+ people, PFLAG has a section of their website called Advocacy 101 that can help you learn about what you can do at the community level, at the city and state level, and at the federal level to support LGBTQ+ people.
Process your own feelings in an appropriate way.
Finding out that a loved one is queer or trans can be a surprise. You might experience some difficult emotions when someone shares this part of themselves with you. Appollon says that she sees this often in her work. Going off the example of a child coming out to a parent, she says, “That parent needs to create a space to process that doesn’t involve the child, where they’re not forcing the person who’s actually having the experience to then take care of them or educate them.”
She recommends that parents seek out support groups or therapy so that they can process how they’re feeling and “mourn their own expectations.”
Appollon also says that family members should be patient with themselves. “The big thing I want to highlight is that it’s hard enough being a human being in 2020, so allowing a level of patience towards yourself will literally expand into giving patience to others.”
Hold yourself accountable.
You may not always say or do the right thing. You might react in a way that’s less than supportive and accidentally hurt your loved one’s feelings. What’s important is that you own it and move forward in a supportive way.
“When someone tells us hurt them and we did the wrong thing, it can feel really tender,” St. Dre says. “I understand that, but the more we’re open to having our views and our actions challenged, the more likely it is our loved one is going to feel heard, which opens the door for all kinds of experiences and a bond that is stronger as a result.”
“Being accountable means apologizing, finding out more about the harm you caused, educating yourself, and then taking action,” she says.
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