7 Direct Phrases to Shut Down Passive-Aggressive Behavior, According to a Psychologist
"Passive-Aggressive" displayed on letter blocks
Before we had gaslighting and narcissism, passive-aggressive behavior was considered a major faux pax. It still is and for good reason. But let's back up a second—what exactly is "passive aggression"?
"Passive-aggressive behavior is an indirect and passive form of communication, which can either be verbal or nonverbal," says Dr. Robert Yeilding, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist. "The passive-aggressive behavior typically functions to express feelings of resentment, negative sentiments or aggression."
Think backhanded compliments, like a partner telling you that they're "surprised" that you bothered to put something other than leggings on this morning or sweep the floor. Or, a person may ghost a friend instead of having a complicated conversation about a recent dust-up.
Someone may engage in passive-aggressive behavior for many reasons, including a lack of clarity on their true feelings and underdeveloped communication skills. Regardless of the cause, it can be harmful.
"It serves as a relationship-destroying behavior over time and discourages intimacy," Dr. Yeilding explains.
Knowing how to stop passive-aggressive behavior is important in reducing unnecessarily long-term conflicts and resentment. Fortunately, Dr. Yeilding is sharing seven direct, effective phrases for shutting down passive-aggressive behaviors and the relationship-busting effects they can have.
Related: 14 Genius Phrases To Shut Down Gaslighting, According to Psychologists
How to Stop Passive-Aggressive Behavior: 7 Direct Phrases to Use
1. "It seems like you're upset. Can you tell me how you are feeling?"
These two sentences combine empathy and directness—two things necessary for saving relationships and nixing passive-aggressive behavior.
"This phrase is helpful because it observes the other person's behavior while offering them an opportunity to verbalize their feelings more directly," Dr. Yeilding says.
Related: 35 Simple, Sincere Phrases To Express Empathy, According to Therapists
2. "Although you are not saying it, I can tell you are bothered by something. Can we talk about it?"
Want to clear the air? Try leading by example.
"This [approach] is helpful because you are modeling assertive behavior and voicing your preference, which encourages the other person to do this same," Dr. Yeilding explains.
3. "I would really like to talk about how you are feeling right now."
Putting the other person's feelings front and center is empathy at its finest, and it may encourage them to open up instead of giving off vague signals that they're unhappy.
"This phrase is actively expressing interest in the other person's experience while also prompting them to share their feelings more directly," Dr. Yeilding says.
Related: 16 Things People With High Emotional Intelligence Often Say, According to Psychologists
4. "Can we have a conversation?"
Sometimes, the best direction to take when you want to stop passive-aggressive behavior is a straightforward one.
"This phrase cuts to the chase and directly and assertively opens a path to a more productive conversation," Dr. Yeilding shares.
5. "I can tell you're upset. Are you willing to talk about what's going on right now?"
Your goal is to shut down passive-aggressive behavior, but demanding a person open up may do more harm than good. You can still be direct while leaving the ball in the other person's court. Exhibit A? This phrase.
"This phrase clearly names the elephant in the room," Dr. Yeilding says. "It acknowledges that the other person is upset and encourages more effective communication."
Related: 12 Common Habits of People With High Emotional Intelligence, According to Psychologists
6. "You seem bothered. Am I right?"
This phrase puts your perception of the other person's feelings out there while sending them a (genuinely) friendly invitation to get real.
"This phrase invites the other person to directly verbalize their feelings while gently asking for clarification in a non-judgmental way," Dr. Yeilding explains.
7. "I really value honesty and directness in our interactions. Can you clarify what you mean?"
Passive-aggressive behavior has a negative connotation—deservedly so. It can harm relationships because it doesn't address conflicts. Yet, these relationships are often worth saving. This phrase conveys that in spades.
"This phrase sets a clear tone for directness in the interaction while also showing you are willing to listen and engage in a constructive conversation," Dr. Yeilding shares.
Related: 10 Subtle Phrases That Signal Someone Is Jealous and How to Respond, According to Therapists
What *Not* to Do When Dealing With Passive-Aggressive Behavior
"Further passive-aggressive behavior," Dr. Yeilding says.
Going tit-for-tat may be tempting, especially if you're conflict-averse yourself. But it's best to stop the cycle ASAP if you want to preserve relationships (or at least harbor less resentment).
"Passive-aggressive behavior is confusing to the recipient and often pulls for future cycles of more passive-aggressive behavior," Dr. Yeilding explains. "It serves as a barrier to conflict resolution and growth. Without interrupting passive-aggressive behavior, it can extend conflict and foster greater resentment over time."
And who wants—no, needs—that? Instead, Dr. Yeilding suggests being firm, assertive, yet empathetic as you address passive-aggressive behavior head-on.
Source
Dr. Robert Yeilding, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist
