7 Reasons You Shouldn't Follow Your Ex on Instagram, According to Psychologists

Beth Ann Mayer

January 23, 2024 at 9:10 AM·6 min read

Woman looking at her ex's Instagram on her phone

Back in the day, making a clean break from an ex was possible. As long as you no longer roamed the same high school hallways or had kids together, you could basically exit stage left into different worlds. These days, you could be on opposite ends of the world and still know what your former flame drank last night.

Thanks, social media. Instagram's photo-heavy nature is a breeding ground for FOMO.

"Because social media is an extension of any relationship. It's a window into the life they choose to share," says Dr. Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist.

Yet, it's possible to shut that window by unfollowing an ex on Instagram (or not following them in the first place).

"Just as I would encourage someone to think seriously before driving past their ex's house and peeking in a window or watching someone at a park, I would encourage similar discretion before following on Instagram," Dr. McGeehan says.

While it's not always bad to follow an ex on Instagram, experts share it's often painful. Psychologists shared seven reasons not to follow an ex on Instagram, as well as when it's probably (mostly, maybe) harmless.

'Should I Follow My Ex on Instagram?'

It depends.

"It is not necessarily a one-size-fits-all situation, as it may be completely appropriate to follow one's ex in certain situations and a terrible idea in others," explains Dr. Kelsey M. Latimer, Ph.D., CEDS-S, BSN of KML Psychological Services.

Another psychologist agrees but typically advises against it.

"There are some reasons that following an ex on Instagram is reasonable or even beneficial, but overall, we have a somewhat negative reaction to it because it is fraught with problems," says Dr. Gayle MacBride, Ph.D., LP, a psychologist with Veritas Psychology Partners. "Most breakups are hard on us emotionally. Many of them involve the feeling of heartbreak for at least one person in the partnership."

7 Significant Reasons to Unfollow Your Former Significant Other on Instagram

1. You're not in a good headspace

Instagram may only allow for "heart" reactions. Still, you may not have a loving feeling when you scroll by posts from your ex about a romantic getaway or even a promotion, especially if you're reeling from the breakup.

"Following an ex on Instagram is not for the faint of heart and introduces a lot of complicated dynamics," Dr. McGeehan says. "If your mental health isn't doing well, then don't add more difficulty into your life."

She suggests channeling your future self when deciding whether to follow an ex. Is following an ex really setting you up for success?

"Your future self will probably tell you something along the lines of, 'Stop paying attention to that person and start focusing on your own self-care and getting better,'" Dr. McGeehan explains.

2. The highlight reel might trigger a backslide

You lit a candle. You signed up for a dating app. You're totally over your ex, and following them back on social media is NBD, right? Maybe, but maybe not.

"We are shown people looking like they are having a great time in their lives, and it can be triggering for some people to be immersed in their ex's life following a breakup," explains Dr. Latimer.

What's more, there's often little context in a post.

"If you follow your ex on IG, you are likely only getting a small snapshot of what is really going on with them," says Dr. MacBride. "This small window into their lives leads to big opportunities to misunderstand and misinterpret what they think or how they are doing since being with you."

3. Comparison is the thief of joy

The highlight reel vibes have another downside: they invite comparisons, which can hinder healing and leave you with heavy feelings of FOMO.

"If you are someone who is going to compare yourself to your ex's new relationship partner, then go ahead and just unfollow now," Dr. McGeehan says. "It's really tricky to stay in any kind of continued relationship with an ex, especially in one where you are likely to see a picture of them with a future partner. If you struggle with insecurity...it's best to avoid the situation altogether."

4. You struggle with self-established boundaries

Dr. McGeehan says it's important to have some self-awareness when determining whether to follow an ex on social media.

"Are you someone who can get a little obsessive?" Dr. McGeehan suggests asking yourself. "If so, then you want to protect your peace and space and not give yourself the temptation that comes along with following an ex on Instagram."

5. You (both) lose privacy

Maybe your ex's page is public, or perhaps they accepted your request. Still, following an ex on social media is arguably an invasion of privacy, even if it's a two-way street.

"Let’s face it: We don’t need our exes to know what we are up to since the breakup," Dr. MacBride says. "Maintaining your own privacy as well as giving them the privacy to move on is important for both of you."

6. It's best to respect new relationships

The dynamics get even murkier if the ex has found someone new—and that person isn't your biggest fan.

"If, for example, your ex has moved on to a new relationship and their new partner is uncomfortable with you following them on social media, you may choose to not follow them to honor that relationship," Dr. McGeehan says.

7. You delay closure

At the heart of all of the above is this: When you continue to follow an ex on social media—even if you aren't double-tapping or commenting on their posts—you delay healing. That only hurts you.

"Getting a little (or a lot) of distance between you and your ex can be an important part of forgiving and moving on in your own life," Dr.MacBride says. "Staying connected on social media makes that more difficult."

When It's OK to Follow an Ex on Instagram

Dr. McGeehan shares three common—and sometimes healthy—reasons people might continue to follow one another on Instagram post-breakup: sharing children, a friendship that predates the romantic relationship and mutual interests/business connections.

More broadly, Dr. Latimer suggests asking yourself why you want to follow this person in the first place.

"Consider what your intentions are behind following them," she says. "What are you looking to accomplish? If you want to remain cordial and show you continue to support them as a friend or acquaintance and you can have appropriate personal boundaries, then it could be completely fine to maintain a social media relationship."

Next: 10 Best Phrases for Reaching Out to Someone When It's Been Too Long

Sources

Dr. Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist
Dr. Kelsey M. Latimer, Ph.D., CEDS-S, BSN of KML Psychological Services
Dr. Gayle MacBride, Ph.D., LP, a psychologist with Veritas Psychology Partners

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