7 Subtle Signs Someone's Trying to Distance Themselves from You
Woman feeling lonely and wondering if someone is distancing themselves from her
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but that’s not always the case. Sometimes, it can do the complete opposite, especially when a person purposely creates space between themself and someone else. Unlike in popular sitcoms, like I Love Lucy, where friendships last a lifetime, in reality, BFF breakups and family fallouts happen more often than you might think. In fact, there are countless songs and books written about those topics alone.
Nonetheless, when a person starts to pull away from someone in any type of relationship, it can be done so subtly that it’s hard to even know it’s happening at first. That’s why we reached out to Connie Reinhard, LCSW, Clinical Director of Gulf Shores Counseling Center. She breaks down some of the reasons why people distance themselves from others, as well as what those behaviors can look like and how you should react to them. That way, if you ever feel like someone close to you is starting to push you out of their life, you can recognize clues.
"It's normal for people to experience friendships that fail, family tiffs and relationships that fade as you grow older,” Reinhard tells Parade.” It's something everyone deals with at least once in their lifetime, so if you find yourself going through a situation where someone is distancing themselves from you, know it’s completely normal and you are not alone."
While it can be heartbreaking and confusing, the good news is, Reinhard says it’s not always permanent. “It is possible for a relationship to be repaired after someone cuts ties from another person, however, it depends on the scenario,” she reveals. “Every situation is different, and sometimes time is really the only way to tell.”
Related: When It Comes to Friendship Breakups, ‘Silence Comes at a Price’—How To Tell if You Should Fight for It or Let It Go
What Does It Mean When Someone Seems Distant?
While you might automatically want to point fingers at yourself when a friend or relative starts to disappear from your life, Reinhard tells Parade that there are actually several causes why someone can become distant.
“Sometimes it is a direct result of an incident that occurred, other times it can happen naturally and sometimes it has nothing to do with you and instead is due to circumstances in the other person’s life,” she explains.
For a more in-depth look, check out what Reinhard says are six of the top reasons, below.
1. They Are Overwhelmed
“A person who seems distant might just need a little time for themselves,” Reinhard tells Parade. “They may feel overwhelmed with their responsibilities at home, work or school and just want to spend time practicing self-care, which could be why they aren’t talking with you as much, or hanging out with you as much as they were.”
2. There Was a Misunderstanding
When a person desires time away from another person, it can simply be because there was a miscommunication.
“They could have misconstrued something you said and were offended by that, so they have distanced themselves due to feeling hurt,” Reinhard clarifies. “Oftentimes, this can happen over texts without the person on the other end ever even knowing that there was any misunderstanding to begin with, leaving them confused.”
3. They Are Going Through a Big Change
In certain situations, like when someone is experiencing a big curveball in their life (good or bad), Reinhard says it can lead them to unknowingly taking a backseat from their loved ones.
“When a person is going through a big life transition, such as starting a new job, moving to a new home, transitioning to a new school or going through a divorce, they can distance themselves from family and friends,” she shares. “This has nothing to do with how they feel about you, it’s simply due to how they are navigating the period of time they are currently in.”
4. They Are Struggling with Their Mental Health
“People who experience mental health issues, like depression and anxiety, will often isolate and distance themselves from others, especially when they are not receiving treatment for their disorder,” Reinhard explains. “This usually happens because they feel embarrassed or ashamed of their illness and distance themselves from others to avoid judgment.”
5. They Have Relocated
Physical distance can play a part in why friends and family can start communicating less with you.
“Many times, when people relocate to a new area, they make promises that they’ll ‘keep in touch,’ but sadly time and miles tend to stand in the way of them doing so,” Reinhard says. “Initially, it is manageable for them to maintain their relationships thanks to social media, but as the days pass, it becomes more of a ‘chore’ than a connection and they begin to make new friends in their new environment, which results in them becoming distant from others and growing apart from those they were once really close to.”
6. You Have Outgrown Each Other
“Over time, people change and their interests diversify and grow. When that happens, unfortunately, not everyone changes with each other,” Reinhard points out. “People begin to look for new friends that share the same interests with them and they spend less and less time with their old ones. People then naturally begin to distance themselves from their former groups as they spend more time doing the new things they enjoy with their new friends.”
Related: 10 Best Phrases for Reaching Out to Someone When It's Been Too Long
7 Subtle Signs Someone Is Distancing Themselves from You, According to a Mental Health Expert
Some things in life are easy to figure out, but other things are a little trickier to spot at first because it’s hard to tell if it’s a big deal or not. If you’re trying to determine whether or not someone is distancing themselves from you, keep reading about seven of the most common hints, according to Reinhard.
1. They Are Always "Busy"
If you invite someone to dinner and they say they can’t come, that’s normal to hear every once in a while. However, Reinhard says if they come up with excuses every single time you ask them to hang out, when they used to always spend time with you, that’s not a good sign.
“If you try to set up a time to meet up and they consistently tell you they are working, or they’re out of town, or that they already have plans, it’s most likely their way of trying to step away from your friendship without directly telling you,” she explains.
2. They Cancel on You… A Lot
“Whenever you finally set up a time to hang out with someone and then they cancel on you, not once, but multiple times, this can be a sign that they are distancing themselves from you. However, if this just happens every so often, don’t look into it too much because sometimes things do come up and people do have to reschedule things,” Reinhard says.
3. Your Calls Always Go to Voicemail
There’s no denying that having your call go to voicemail can be annoying. While it’s not always intentional, it can be a subtle way someone is trying to tell you that they don’t want to talk.
“If you used to speak on the phone to someone all the time and then you start to realize that they aren’t picking up anymore, or they’re always sending your call directly to voicemail, it can be their way of cutting themselves off from you,” Reinhard explains.
4. They Don’t Return Your Calls
“If a friend or family member is usually good at getting back to you when they miss your calls and then suddenly, they don’t return them for days, or not at all after you leave a voicemail, it can imply that they are creating space,” Reinhard tells Parade.
5. They Stop Inviting You to Things
When people grow apart, their lives tend to overlap less. That’s why Reinhard says you’ll often find yourselves doing different things without one another and you won’t be invited to hang out with them as often as you once were when you were super close.
6. They Stop Interacting With You on Social Media
When someone used to always like your posts on Instagram and Facebook and then they stop doing so, it can be sad and make you wonder why. Reinhard explains that there are a number of reasons behind their action.
It could be because they’re not on social media as much as they used to be, it could be that your photos aren’t showing up on their feed as much as they once were because of an algorithm change, or they could intentionally not be liking them and that could be one way they are distancing themselves from you.
7. They Never Reach Out to You
“If you notice that you’re the only one who reaches out to check in and to catch up, that behavior suggests that they are distancing themselves from you,” Reinhard says. “When someone wants to be part of someone else’s life, they make an effort to stay in touch, reach out and spend time with them.”
Related: 16 Signs You're Losing a Friend—Plus, How To Cope, According to a Therapist
How to Tell Someone Is Trying to Distance Themselves from You Over Text Message
It’s no secret that texting is the most popular way of communicating and keeping in touch with people nowadays. That’s why if you have a feeling that someone is distancing themselves from you, Reinhard says it’s a good idea to go back and see what their recent messages with you look like.
“Some people will distance themselves from you via text because they don’t want to face you…and texting is the easy way out,” she explains.
Check out how else she says you can tell someone is distancing themselves from you over text message, below.
1. It Takes Them a Long Time to Reply
When it comes to responding to texts, Reinhard says some people are better at it than others. Though, if someone used to always get back to your texts right away, and then that changes and you notice that they start leaving your messages “unread” for long periods of time and going hours, or even days, before replying, she tells Parade it could be a clue that they want space.
2. They Only "Heart" Your Texts
"Hearting" someone’s texts isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, when someone hearts a response, that means they love what you said to them, which is why Reinhard points out that it could simply mean they are too busy at the moment to answer you with an actual message.
However, she adds that if you start to notice that is all they are doing when you text them and they are no longer replying with words at all, that could mean they are pulling away from you.
3. They Give Quick Replies
“It’s normal for people to give short replies from time to time. Though, if someone’s responses to you are always quick, one-word answers, when in the past they used to send you lengthy messages, it could indicate that they are distancing themselves from you,” she shares.
4. You Always Initiate Texts
While it’s completely fine to reach out to someone first, you shouldn’t always be the person who initiates texts.
“If you realize someone seldom contacts you via text anymore, when before they always used to, that could be one way you can tell because healthy relationships aren’t one-sided,” Reinhard explains to Parade.
Related: 8 Types of Toxic Friends You Should Cut Out of Your Life, According to Psychotherapists
What to Do When Someone Is Distancing Themselves from You
It can be really tough when you realize that you’re no longer as close with someone as you once were. When that happens and you notice they are ignoring you, Reinhard says there are a few things you should do and a few things you shouldn’t do.
1. Give Them Space
“Sometimes friends and loved ones get busy with work or family situations where they just need a break to deal with whatever is going on in their life and don’t have the time to spend with friends,” she says. “That’s why sometimes it’s good to give them space and then, after some time has passed, reach out to them to reconnect. If they value your friendship, they will appreciate your support.”
2. Don't Do a Deep Dive into Why
Unfortunately, when someone is distancing themselves from you, sometimes there's nothing you can do about it. However, Reinhard says you can control how you handle the situation.
“Constantly trying to figure out what happened or obsessing about why someone doesn’t want to be part of your life anymore can cause more trouble for your mental health, leaving you upset and hurt,” she explains. “Try to shift your thoughts to more positive thoughts instead and distract yourself by doing things you enjoy.”
3. Work Through the Loss
“Losing a friend can feel like a major loss when they distance themselves from you,” Reinhard admits. “When that happens, you have to allow yourself to work through the grief process and begin the journey of healing. At the end of the process, you will be able to accept the loss of the friendship and move forward developing new healthy relationships.”
4. Prioritize Your Other Relationships
Reinhard says it’s important to remember that you are a valued person in your own right and that if someone pushes you away, try to keep in mind that they are only one person in a long line of people in your life.
“It is better to have one or two healthy friendships than having many friendships that are not genuine or toxic,” she notes. “When someone gives you the cold shoulder, focus on building up your friendships/relationships with other people in your inner circle.”
5. Don't Blame Yourself
Sadly, not all relationships are meant to last forever. “Sometimes friends are just part of your life for a short period of time and we learn and grow from those friendships,” Reinhard clarifies. “Sometimes it’s nobody’s fault, it just happens, so don't blame yourself. It’s normal for people to just grow apart and their interests to change over time.”
6. Apologize if You Had a Disagreement
“If you feel like the sudden distance between you and someone is the result of a fight or disagreement you've had, then sometimes saying you are sorry is all it takes to get your friendship back on track,” Reinhard suggests. “While it won't instantly make everything perfect, it can help repair the gap in the friendship and start to make the distance disappear.”
7. Don't Beg Them to Be Your Friend
“When it comes to relationships, you want people in your life you can depend on and who will accept you for who you are,” she states. “If you have to beg someone to be in your life, it will become toxic and one-sided, and most likely won't be a lasting friendship.”
Because of that, she says sometimes distance between you and another person can show you someone’s true colors and be a blessing in disguise.
Next: 25 Red Flags That Signify a Toxic Relationship, According to Psychotherapists
