The 7 Things a Narcissist Always Does at the End of a Relationship, According to Psychologists

Beth Ann Mayer
·7 min read
72

Narcissist at the end of a relationship with their partner

You came. You saw. You dated a narcissist. You're over it—or perhaps you have a sneaking suspicion that they are over you. Either way, preparing for what's to come post-breakup can be useful because, with a narcissist, a breakup may not mean it's officially over (at least not in their heads).

"When a person is prepared, it can lessen the negative impact because it allows for things to be put into place that aid coping," says Dr. Brandy Smith, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks in Birmingham. "This is not to say that preparation can prevent difficulty or a negative impact, but it can help."

It sounds ominous—and exhausting, sort of like being in a relationship with a narcissist in the first place.

"They are usually quite preoccupied with themselves—their wants and needs—and have a sense of entitlement, a need for continual admiration and relative disinterest in and disregard for others’ feelings and emotions," says Dr. Jephtha Tausig, PhD., a licensed clinical psychologist. 

All these traits can spill over into your time apart together in Splitsville. Psychologists share common behaviors of narcissists toward the end of a relationship and tips for managing them.

Related: 10 Classic Mind Games Narcissists Play in a Relationship, According to Psychologists

7 Things a Narcissist Always Does at the End of a Relationship, According to Psychologists

1. Rework the narrative

Expect a narcissist to tell an entirely different version of the breakup than the reality you literally lived through.

"The ending of the relationship has to be on their terms, not yours, especially if you catch them off guard," says Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor. "Appearances matter to them. They cannot be seen by others as being vulnerable or embarrassed."

Related: 5 Reasons Why Some People Just Can't Apologize, According to a Therapist—Plus, What They Tend To Say Instead

2. Blame

Sadly, the blame game doesn't end when the relationship does—expect the person to blame you entirely for the relationship's end.

"The tendency to blame may be connected to self-preservation and investment in maintaining their ego, which involves the narrative that they are the best and that anything that goes awry is completely the fault of others," Dr. Smith says.

Related: Taylor Swift Might Have Embraced the Term, but What Exactly Is a 'Covert Narcissist'?

3. Revenge seeking

Be prepared for things to get ugly.

"They may also attempt to seek revenge in whatever way or ways they can, like posting on social media, hacking into email," says Dr. Jephtha. 

Dr. Jephtha also warns that someone may send rants to your family, mutual friends and employers.

Related: 11 Manipulation Tactics Narcissists Use—and How To Spot the Earliest Signs, According to Relationship Experts

4. Ignore that the relationship ended

Wait, what?

"In some cases, the narcissist will literally act as if the conversation to end the relationship never happened," Dr. Goldman explains. "They will continue acting as if nothing has changed. They will act surprised as to why you’re confused by this. In their mind, you could not have ended the relationship, and so, therefore, it simply never happened."

Since narcissists struggle with boundaries, they may keep calling you, showing up unannounced and tagging you in things online.

Related: 8 Things a Narcissist Absolutely Hates, According to a Psychologist

5. Promise to change (sans follow-through)

Though a narcissist defaults to "I'm-right, you're-wrong" by nature, they may pivot to salvage a relationship. Don't take the bait.

"If a person with narcissism makes comments acknowledging awareness of their part in a fight or issue, it’s most likely a manipulation as a means to get what they want," Dr. Smith says.

Related: 35 Phrases To Disarm a Narcissist and Why They Do the Trick, According to Therapists

6. Gaslighting

Gaslighting and narcissism often go hand in hand, and not just on Instagram tiles describing what the two mean.

"At the end of a relationship, gaslighting may take the form of invalidating your concerns about the relationship and your reasons for ending the relationship," Dr. Smith says. "You may be told things such as, 'You’re the one who doesn’t want to work on this relationship. It’s not me. I’ve given my all to keep us together.'"

Related: 35 Common Gaslighting Phrases in Relationships and How To Respond, According to Therapists

7. Feigned crisis

While not as common as the other six, Dr. Goldman shares it's a good idea to be aware of this common manipulation tactic.

"Some narcissists will fake some crisis to regain your attention after the relationship has ended," Dr. Goldman explains. "They will need something from you and claim they have no one else to turn to."

Typically, Dr. Goldman says these "crises" will target you emotionally, like telling you someone died or they lost their job.

"The narcissist is using this as a means of manipulation and is trying to exploit your emotions in order to regain entry into your life," Dr. Goldman says.

Related: 5 Stages of Grief To Expect After You've Experienced Loss, According to a Trauma Therapist

Tips for Ending a Relationship With a Narcissist

Wondering how to break up with a narcissist? Psychologists recommend the five P's:

1. Plan

Knowing the end is near and necessary is essential.

"Start to think about the first steps of getting out or of ending it," Dr. Goldman says. "Identify what needs to happen in order for this relationship to end."

Related: Do You Keep Falling for Narcissists? Here’s How To Break the Cycle

2. Pace

You may want out immediately—that's valid and perhaps necessary. However, Dr. Goldman suggests pausing and determining whether a steady retreat is best.

"You might need to think about the most effective and safe way to end a relationship," Dr. Goldman says. "Pacing yourself allows you to ensure you are not acting impulsively and have thought through your circumstances."

For example, you may need to figure out living arrangements if you share a home.

3. Problem-solve

Anticipating problems in advance can help you feel better about managing them when they arise.

"Brainstorm ideas keeping in mind what you know about this person’s narcissism," Dr. Goldman says. 

For example, what have you seen them do in the past? How have they acted towards others? 

"Depending upon the level of narcissism you are dealing with, you might need to consider what future issues might arise, such as going to your boss, and how to problem-solve for them if they occur," Dr. Goldman says.

Related: 13 Perfect Responses to a Narcissist's Texts, According to Psychologists

4. Protect

Once you know how your soon-to-be ex will react, you can start taking steps to protect yourself. 

"It might even be best to enlist the help of others to ensure your protection," Dr. Goldman says.

If there is concern about a possible physical altercation, please reach out for help via the National Domestic Violence Hotline, where you can chat online, text START to 88788 or call 800-799-7233.

Related: 10 Traits of a Narcissistic Mindset, According to Psychologists

5. Power

Breaking up is hard to do in general. With a narcissist? It can be even more complicated—but doing it can leave you feeling empowered. When the going gets tough, step into this newfound power.

"Recall why you are getting out of the relationship, tune back into yourself and remind yourself what you are fighting for by ending the relationship," Dr. Goldman says.

Up Next: 14 Phrases That Signal a Person's Unhappy, According to Psychologists

Sources

  • Up next
  • Up next
  • Up next
  • Up next
  • Up next
  • Up next
  • Up next