7 Tiny Ways Being Gaslit Changes You, According to a Psychologist
Woman trying to heal after being gaslit
Being gaslit is a mental and emotional rollercoaster that can leave you questioning reality. Gaslighting can be overt or sneaky, and so can its transformative effects. Recognizing gaslighting and the small changes it can cause is important.
"If you have an understanding of what gaslighting is and know some of the signs, you’re more likely to identify that it’s happening to you earlier in the process," says Dr. Hannah Yang, Psy.D., a psychologist and the founder of Balanced Awakening. "Then, you can break free earlier and be less negatively impacted."
It's not much different than understanding how something that affects your physical health, such as an injury or underlying condition, might change you. The sooner you recognize the problem, the sooner you can begin to heal.
"The longer gaslighting tends to go on, the more the distorted or manipulated reality becomes your own reality," Dr. Yang says. "To be our best selves and to live in the most fulfilling ways, we often benefit from clarity and freedom to ground in our own sense of reality, uncluttered from negative outside influences."
Dr. Yang explains subtle ways gaslighting can change you and shares tips for healing.
Related: 11 Subtle Signs of Gaslighting To Look For in Your Relationship
What Is Gaslighting, Really?
Gaslighting is a popular and often misused term on social media. Before helping you heal emotionally, Dr. Yang clarifies the definition of gaslighting: "Gaslighting is a term used to describe the situation when someone distorts your sense of reality, usually in a way that is self-serving in some way to the person doing the gaslighting."
Sure, there can be different versions of reality. For example, one sibling may not have felt a parent's divorce was toxic, while another person in the same home may have a vastly different recollection.
"We all have a unique perception of reality," Dr. Yang says. "No two people experience the exact same reality. So, there’s a lot of subjectivity on what is true reality."
Still, telling someone a parent's divorce definitely could not have impacted their mental health, if that's not their truth, would be gaslighting.
7 Tiny Ways Being Gaslit Changes You, According to a Psychologist
1. You are questioning something you recently said
You distinctly remember something leaving your lips, like that you made dinner reservations for 6:30 p.m. and wanted to pick someone up by 6 p.m. so you could arrive on time. Yet, another voice in your head makes you second-guess yourself, leaving you wondering if you left the time open-ended.
"If you’re being or have recently been gaslit, you’ll likely start to question yourself in a lot of ways," Dr. Yang says. "One way might be to question your recent memories of things you said."
2. You start losing a sense of boundaries
Boundaries are critical, especially if you're dealing with a gaslighter. However, being gaslit can cause boundaries to get lost in the sauce.
"You might start to feel like you’re being mean if you say no to something you’d otherwise not question," Dr. Yang explains.
For example, Dr. Yang says you may have previously looked forward to quiet Sundays spent reading. Now?
"You might be questioning whether it’s healthy to spend that time alone or whether you deserve to take the time for yourself," Dr. Yang says.
It is, and you do.
3. Your sense of identity is getting fuzzier
Boundaries aren't the only lines that feel blurred. You may start losing your sense of self, but this change can happen gradually and subtly.
"Parts of your identity may start to shift, such as activities you enjoy, affiliations in your career and work or political beliefs," Dr. Yang says. "You might start to doubt or question parts of your identity that were important to you in the past."
For instance, Dr. Yang says that you might find yourself saying things like: "Do I really like my job?" and "Maybe that was the wrong way to think about that social justice issue all along."
Related: 6 Genius Ways to Overcome Self-Doubt, According to 'Worthy' Author Jamie Kern Lima
4. You start isolating yourself from loved ones
You may not notice this change in yourself, but others may call you on it. Gaslighting may have triggered this slow—and sad—transformation.
"As your reality shifts from gaslighting, you may start questioning your relationships with others, including those you’ve considered closest to you," Dr. Yang explains. "You might start to second guess whether a close friend really cares about you or has your best interest at heart."
However, this change can become more noticeable if loved ones are vocal about the gaslighter.
"You may start to form a belief that being around your family is toxic, especially if they speak out against the person gaslighting you," Dr. Yang says.
5. Feeling like you can’t trust yourself
This subtle shift is a big issue that can trigger all of the above.
"This is one of the core features of the impact of gaslighting," Dr. Yang says. "You’ll start to feel like you can’t trust your own perceptions of anything anymore. You might start to question things in your life that you’d never questioned before."
Related: Here's What 'Medical Gaslighting' Means—and How to Know If You're a Victim Of It
6. Feeling like you can’t trust others
You're not the only person you might have trust issues with if you've been gaslit or recently experienced gaslighting. Dr. Yang says gaslighting can cause you to start to question whether you can have faith in people you've considered part of your inner circle.
"Perhaps a close friend is expressing concern about your romantic relationship with the person gaslighting you," Dr. Yang says. "You’re likely not to know whether to trust your friend or your romantic partner. People can start to feel pitted against one another too, like you can’t have both a romantic partner and your friends in your life."
7. Your anxiety is through the roof
Dr. Yang says that all of the above adds up. As a result, you may find yourself more anxious than usual (but unclear on why because gaslighting takes you for a ride.
Related: 8 Phrases To Repeat to Yourself When You're Feeling Anxiety, According to a Therapist
How to Heal From Gaslighting
1. Recognize gaslighting
The first step is to understand you've been gaslit.
"We can’t really start the healing process until we identify that there’s something wrong or something to heal from," Dr. Yang says. "So, don’t expect yourself to start to come back to yourself until you’ve perhaps gotten help from a friend or therapist to identify the gaslighting situation."
Related: The #1 Most Surprising Benefit of 'Shadow Work' and How To Use This Simple Tool
2. Set boundaries
Take the reigns of your life by setting boundaries.
"Ideally, you are able to come to the conclusion that this person is toxic to you and doesn’t belong in your life," Dr. Yang explains.
That's not always possible, especially if the person is a parent or child. In these cases, Dr. Yang suggests limiting contact.
"When you do need to interact, set a clear structure for yourself on how communication happens, what topics are discussed and what you might share," Dr. Yang says.
Related: 14 Genius Phrases To Shut Down Gaslighting, According to Psychologists
3. Surround yourself with supportive people
Gaslighting can cause you to start isolating yourself, but you don't have to heal alone.
"Now that you’ve identified what you’ve been through, it’s a good time to re-engage and reconnect with those supportive people in your life," Dr. Yang shares. "We feed off of the realities of those that we spend the most time with. Spending more time with people who may have a similar experience of reality as you and who help to remind you of the pleasures, fun and joy in life is a great idea."
Related: 7 Subtle Signs Someone's Trying to Distance Themselves from You
4. Reconnect with your hobbies and anything that brings you joy
If a gaslighter slowly and subtly stole your sense of self, reclaim it.
"The more time that you spend in a joyful, calm, playful and happy state, the better," Dr. Yang says. "There’s really nothing more powerful for your healing than prioritizing your own joyful states."
Dr. Yang suggests listing things you used to love and trying them again. It may also be an excellent time to cross a vacation destination off your bucket list.
Next up: How to Be Happier in 31 Days, According to Mental Health Experts
Sources
Dr. Hannah Yang, Psy.D., a psychologist and the founder of Balanced Awakening
