7 truths about alcohol all women know - whatever the scientists say

Three cheers for scientists. Without them we would never have known that gin can make you come over all tearful.

Well, okay, those of us without a science degree may have guessed at this, but let’s not split hairs here. We wouldn’t wish to downplay the significance of the biggest ever study of how various alcoholic drinks affect the emotions, a study that has just found that spirits are far worse than beer or wine for triggering bouts of depression and unexpected weeping. To which it’s tempting to say: we could have told you that months ago and saved you a lot of time and money.

Because once you’ve reached a certain vintage - say, 30 - and assuming you’re not one of those fabled millennials who only drinks every four years - you'll understand a thing or two about which types of alcohol do what to you.

Here’s what every woman knows about booze, whatever the scientists say:

1.  Red, red wine...goes to my face

Red wine makes you look like The Joker from Batman. It’s a sad truth of a night on the vino tinto. (Don’t call it that, by the way. Especially if these are the only two words of Spanish you know.) So as delicious as it is, it is best avoided if you’re on a date. There’s nothing worse than pulling off your best sexy routine at the bar, only to visit the ladies’ and discover you look like the unsexiest clown you - or your date, for that matter - have ever seen.

2.  Cider Never Rules

Cider gives you a hangover so bad you’ll wish you’d never been born. I tried it - just for research purposes, and I didn’t inhale - and at first I thought I was craftily clocking up one of my five a day from the apples and that nothing bad could come of it. The reality the next morning, however, was far from rosy.

3. Sambuca shots to nothing

“We went to the bar for a sambuca, you gave me your number and you took my number…” But what DJ Luck and MC Neat (apologies to any reader who didn’t come of age at the time of UK Garage) fail to add is that you promptly lost your inhibitions to such a degree that minutes later you were dancing on the table, and then under it. As far as I’m aware, there’s no such thing as a dignified sambuca drinker, but I’m willing to be proven wrong by scientists.

4.  A 'liquid lunch' can be good for you

A Bloody Mary perks you up the morning after like nobody’s business. Especially if consumed as part of a large pub lunch among friends. And if it’s one of those nice places where they pop in a celery stick for good measure, hey presto, you’ve hit two of your daily fruit and veg portions before the starters have even arrived.

5. There's nothing like Champagne socialising

The bubbles in sparkling wine have a chemical property whereby you get drunk fast. And since you’re likely to pair fizz with a meal of one wafer-thin blini and a blob of pate, the effects are all the less dulled by your dinner and so all the more intoxicating. 

6. Clean drinking is a thing

Vodka and tonic water (a vodka tonic, if you will - and I rather suspect you will) is a safe and pure drink that brings no ill effects. It’s like the booze equivalent of clean eating. It is probably as good for you as a detox. Whaddya mean the science says otherwise? Spoilsports, the lot of you.

7. Brandy makes you...

Nope, not sure what brandy does. Come on, people, this is a family newspaper!