7 Warning Signs You're in a Codependent Relationship, According to a Therapist
When you hear "codependency," the first thing that comes to mind probably isn’t a healthy relationship. It is, by Mental Health America's definition, “an emotional or behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship.”
But is being in a codependent relationship all that bad? In my experience, yes. As a therapist, I’ve worked with many couples and single individuals dealing with the aftereffects of an overly dependent romance. Wondering if this applies to you? I've got seven warning signs of a codependent relationship that you'll want to look out for.
A lack of trust and boundaries are only two of the many things that happen in this type of toxic relationship, which significantly impact both partners’ mental health—something that shouldn’t be taken lightly. Some even conflate codependency with relationship addiction, where you can become so reliant on being in a relationship that you can’t function without one.
Related: 16 Things People With High Emotional Intelligence Often Say, According to Psychologists
How Do You Know You're in a Codependent Relationship?
Knowing when you’re in a codependent relationship isn’t always easy. Even if you do see the signs, wanting the relationship to work out is normal. Plus, no one wants to admit that the love and care they have for their partner (or vice versa) is driven by codependency.
Take Bella and Edward’s relationship in Twilight, for example. It’s the ultimate definition of codependency: a shy, seemingly fragile teenage girl meets a 104-year-old vampire with superhuman strength. The obsession the two have with each other is clearly problematic—given virtually the entire plot of New Moon.
While this pop culture example is a pretty in-your-face example of codependency, typical relationships might not be so obvious. Noticing the signs of a codependent relationship requires a keen self-awareness and willingness to untangle the uncomfortable emotions that bind you and your partner. Overall, listen to your gut. If something feels off, it probably is.
But what causes codependency? And are some people more likely to become codependent than others?
What Triggers Codependency?
While anyone can become codependent, some factors trigger it and put people at a higher risk for developing these tendencies—and your past (particularly your childhood) has more to do with it than you’d think. Neglect, abuse, overprotectiveness or a permissive parenting style with a lack of structure create an environment where positive or negative attention creates a codependency on the parent (or another caregiver if the parent isn’t available).
Your attachment style, which is determined by how you were raised and the bond you form with your primary caregiver, also heavily influences codependency. Any type of insecure attachment (anxious, avoidant or fearful-avoidant) can lead to anxiety, insecurity, and a fear of abandonment – the perfect recipe for developing codependency in relationships.
Figure out your attachment style with our attachment style guide.
Related: 13 Phrases You Should Use During a Fight If You Have a Different Attachment Style Than Your Partner
7 Warning Signs of Codependency
Recognizing the signs of a codependent relationship is crucial for maintaining healthy connections with others. Here are seven common warning signs to help you identify this dynamic.
1. Low Self-Esteem
Low self-esteem is rooted in approval. If you tend to blame yourself for everything that goes wrong, use negative words to describe yourself (stupid, ugly, unloveable, etc.) or are very sensitive to criticism, you might find yourself depending on your partner for validation. This is a codependent behavior because you may feel like you can’t have a positive self-worth without their acceptance and validation.
2. People-Pleasing Tendencies
While almost everyone people-pleases at some point in their life, not everyone becomes codependent because of it.
People-pleasing is where you make a concerted effort to place other people’s needs before your own—including your partner’s. You might take on projects or tasks you don’t have time for, accept blame to keep the peace or feel pressured to be liked by others. However, this becomes codependent when you go out of your way to meet your partner's needs over your own and are scared they might leave if you don’t do this.
3. Trouble Setting Boundaries
If you have trouble setting boundaries, you’re at an extremely high risk of becoming codependent. Without boundaries, one partner can steamroll the other’s thoughts, emotions and behaviors—becoming dependent on them. For example, say you’re constantly sacrificing time to accommodate your partner’s last-minute schedule changes and demands. This forces you to cancel plans with friends and neglect your hobbies or responsibilities. When you have trouble expressing your dislike for this situation and fear it might lead to conflict, it’s clear the relationship doesn’t have good boundaries.
4. Enabling the Partner
If you continually “rescue” your partner from the consequences of poor decision-making, you’re probably enabling them. Whether you neglect to confront them about an addiction (or cover it up) or fix their financial mistakes, this enabling behavior creates codependency because your partner depends on your support. The cycle of dependency and enabling is hard to break because it often intertwines with each partner’s self-worth, causing emotional and behavioral dependence.
5. Obsessive Thoughts
Worrying about your partner’s thoughts, feelings, and overall well-being is typical and should happen in a relationship. It shows you care about and want the best for them. However, when this worry becomes constant and obsessive, it can lead to codependency because it consumes all your mental energy. It’s also easy for one partner to take advantage of the other, especially if they thrive on feeling needed or enjoy being taken care of.
6. Loss of Individuality
Retaining individuality is one of the most important things you can do in a relationship. If you start morphing into a version of your partner, you’re probably not staying true to yourself. When you prioritize their needs, wants and interests over your own, or start completely ignoring what you enjoy, you’re telling yourself that you don’t deserve good things or having fun. This may start slowly but becomes codependent when one partner depends on the other for a sense of identity.
7. Purposely Avoiding Conflict
Do you avoid conflict in your relationship because it’s easier to deal with discomfort than to confront your partner about something bothering you? Or that setting boundaries after conflict will jeopardize your relationship? If so, you’re probably suppressing your needs and feelings too—which isn’t good. This is people-pleasing behavior, which is a form of codependency.
How Do You Handle a Codependent Relationship?
When you find yourself in a codependent relationship, leaving isn’t always the first option. Because there is a dynamic of dependency between you and your partner, the strong connection makes it hard to let go. You might feel like you’re abandoning them or worry about how they’ll handle a breakup if you initiate one.
But breaking up isn’t necessary in every codependent relationship, either. Some suggestions are:
Study the warning signs to identify them early on in a relationship.
Establish clear and healthy boundaries to protect your well-being.
Communicate regularly about positive and negative things happening in your relationship.
Make self-care a priority for you and your partner.
Encourage independence by making time for you and your partner to pursue individual hobbies and interests.
If these things don’t solve the codependency problem in your relationship, it’s okay to seek professional help! A couple’s therapist can help you identify strengths and weaknesses and create a plan to facilitate a healthier relationship dynamic.
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