8 Confessions From a Bikini Waxer
The scene: You're lying there on the waxing table, naked from the waist down. Your waxer comes in and takes a good, long look at your nether regions, then gets to work. Ever wondered what she's thinking? I'm a veteran esthetician - I'll fill you in.
1. All vulvas and labia are different!
Vulvas come in all shapes and sizes, and almost nobody's looks like the kind you see in porn. And just like how you can't expect your ass to look like Kim K.'s or your brows to look like Cara Delevingne's, normal women who operate in the real world can't expect their labia to look like the the labia you see in porn - and by the way, those labia aren't necessarily perfect. They're just those women's labia.
2 . Everyone has her own body insecurities.
I've waxed thousands of women, and every single one is insecure about some physical feature. Whether it's her self-perceived chubby ankles, her long labia, or her underarms, there's always something she thinks she should feel bad about. That seemingly perfect woman from your office with the on-point outfits and the flawless blowouts? More than likely, she hates the way her pinky toes are shaped.
3. Women are stronger than men!
Men really can't take the pain. From brows to backs to balls, I've seen men swear, cry, and jump off the table throughout the course of a wax. I typically book out a longer time period for men's services because they need more coaxing, more warning, more hand-holding to get through a service that most women will happily chat through. Let me tell you how many women have had to 'take a break' in the middle of a brow waxing: exactly zero.
4. There are very few things that will gross me out.
But, please, for the love of all things holy, take a shower before you spread eagle on my table. You wouldn't show up at the podiatrist after running a marathon, or go to the dentist after munching your way through a basket of garlic fries. While I'm very much accustomed to the whole range of vaginal appearances and aromas, post spin-class swamp-ass is just rude.
5. Don't get a cheapo wax. Just don't.
I know, when you're getting your nails done and you see the sign for "SPECIAL! $25 Brazilian with any manicure!" it's tempting. You're already there, your regular girl is always so busy and charges so much more.... But take it from me: Don't do it. I'm not just saying this because I am your regular girl, and I do charge more. I'm saying this because of the number of major snafus from waxes gone horribly wrong that I have personally seen and have had to fix. Did you know your butt cheeks can absolutely be glued together with hot wax? You want a cheap Brazilian like you want discount heart surgery or a grab bag of assorted off-brand condoms from eBay. Remember, I'm tidying up your most precious bits.
6. Everyone gossips when they're on the waxing table.
My clients tell me everything. There's something about the fact that my clients are naked, vulnerable, and prone on the table that makes them want to unload their life stories, including the ugly bits. Maybe it's because I'm taking a very close look at parts of their body that only a privileged few have seen, so why not reveal to me their deepest, darkest secrets? Fortunately, I'm a good listener and I can keep a secret. Your secret's safe with me.
7. I'm happy to do this!
I love my job. In fact, most (good) estheticians do. I started out as just a product junkie, but as my expertise grew, I began to see the value in what I'm really doing: helping women feel good about themselves. You know what it's like to step out of your house just feeling like you are slaying, and if I can be just a tiny part of that, that's enough for me.
8. Guess what - you don't need to do this!
You don't have to get waxed. In fact, I don't want you to get waxed if you're doing it for someone else or to fit into society's idea of what your body should look like. One of the worst things I can hear while you're lying on my table is, "ugh, I hate getting this done so much! I had to take six Advil before I came over here. But my (boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/Tinder date) really wanted me to have it done, and no one will ever go down on me if I don't clean up all of my stray hairs." If you want to grow out your bikini area - or any part of your body that grows hair, for that matter - go for it, and more power to you. And if you do want to get waxed, I really hope you are doing it for yourself, because you enjoy the silky feeling of a smooth bikini area, and because it makes you feel hot.
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