8 Signs You Have a Toxic Mother and How To Heal—According to Psychologists
Adult daughter having a conversation with her senior mother
The word "toxic" gets thrown around on Instagram and TikTok these days—with or without the Britney Spears hit playing underneath. However, just because it's worked its way into a modern layperson's lexicon (that also includes terms like "gaslighting" and "narcissism" once whispered in therapy rooms) doesn't mean relationships can't be toxic (and harmful). Unhealthy mother-child relationships can have negative effects long after a person gains legal freedom at age 18.
"The impact of toxic parenting can be felt for many years," says Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor. "Possible side effects for the child include depression, anxiety, anger and behavioral issues, unhealthy relationships with others and enacting similar unhealthy toxic traits in interpersonal relationships."
It's a lot, and so are toxic moms.
First, a disclaimer: "Obviously, both parents can be equally toxic," says Dr. Jaime Zuckerman, PsyD, a psychologist and narcissism expert with 112K Instagram followers.
However, some people may specifically have questions about toxic mothers, and those questions and feelings are valid. So, we're going to discuss toxic mothers. Experts share red flags that your mom is toxic and how to cope.
Related: What's the Difference Between Authoritarian and Authoritative Parenting?
What Is a Toxic Mother?
There's not a clinical definition. Generally, "A toxic mother is one who consistently engages in behaviors that are harmful to her child despite feedback," says Kiana Shelton, LCSW of Mindpath Health.
What might these behaviors look like?
"A toxic mother creates a dynamic where they may play the victim and sabotage the success of their child," says Dr. Tara Lally, Ph.D., a supervising psychologist specializing in relationships with Hackensack Meridian Health. "They may also live vicariously through the child to compensate for their own inadequacies, and when not the center of attention, they may attempt to use guilt or coercion to control the situation."
How Does a Toxic Mother Differ From a Toxic Father?
It's complicated, Dr. Zuckerman stresses. Any parent, regardless of sex or gender identity, might display some of the flags below. However, speaking in generalizations, she says there might be some nuances between a toxic dad and mom in the traditional sense.
"Narcissistic mothers will view children, particularly daughters, as an extension of themselves, almost like a doll, and any move toward autonomy like getting engaged is viewed as abandonment," Dr. Zuckerman says.
Dr. Zuckerman says that toxic fathers may be more narcissistic and consistently disconnected.
But again, it gets murky, and we're learning more about gender as a spectrum. Dr. Zuckerman notes that children or parents may be non-binary, for instance.
Related: 16 Things People With High Emotional Intelligence Often Say, According to Psychologists
8 Signs You Have a Toxic Mother
Here are some major red flags.
1. Blaming
If every night is game night and the blame game is what Mom always seems to pick, she's probably toxic.
"Blaming can be anything from [a mother being] like, ‘I had a bad day at work. I come, and my kid left their LEGO on the floor, so I scream at them and tell them my day is ruined," Dr. Zuckerman says.
Stepping on LEGOs is no fun, but leaving them on the floor is developmentally appropriate for a child. Dr. Zuckerman likens this reaction to left-out LEGOs to kicking the dog after a rough day at the office, which isn't nice, either.
2. Verbal or emotional abuse
Abuse isn't limited to physical—and none of it is OK.
"Verbal or emotional abuse can take the form of emotional or verbal manipulation, gaslighting or belittling the child," Dr. Goldman says. "This puts the child in a place where they are questioning their worth and what is real—their reality versus that of what their parent tells them. It creates a dynamic of power and harm in the relationship."
3. Self-centeredness
Shelton says that toxic mothers will consistently wave this red flag.
"They may put their own needs and wants ahead of their child's," Shelton explains.
Now, choosing to miss bedtime for a once-monthly date night with your co-parent doesn't make someone a bad mom. Dr. Goldman notes that this type of toxic self-centeredness raises a different kind of eyebrow.
"It can also be seen in examples where a child is crying due to an injury, and the parent starts crying, needing to be tended to by other adults, so the parent’s emotions become the larger concern," Dr. Goldman says.
4. Over-involvement
Dr. Zuckerman says Moms who display this sign of toxic parenting often do so with their child's best interest in mind.
"Sometimes parents aren’t toxic with malicious intent," she says. "That’s important…Sometimes, a parent with great intentions is super involved in their kid's lives."
What's wrong with that? A lot—if it goes too far.
Sometimes, over-involvement might look like calling the parents of a coach who cut a child from the soccer team or the teacher who gave the kid a lower-than-expected grade. Seeing a child upset or disappointed is rough but necessary.
"What this does is it deprives the child not only of the responsibility to modulate their emotions, but it also deprives them of the opportunity to develop their social problem-solving skills," Dr. Zuckerman says. "The parent, out of their own discomfort that their child is upset, attempts to handle it as a way to relieve their discomfort — not necessarily the child."
Related: The 12 Surprising, Tell-Tale Signs of Helicopter Parenting—Plus, How To Recognize It in Yourself
5. Jealousy
While some parents beam with pride if a child lands a dream job or meets a wonderful partner, toxic parents see it as a threat.
"It means less time and attention on the parent-child relationship," Dr. Goldman says. "Unhealthy parents may tend to demonstrate manipulative tactics in order to have the child reprioritize or re-examine other people or things, like sports, splitting their time or attention."
6. Boundary issues
Toxic moms will burst through metaphorical caution tape and stop signs within the parent-child relationship.
"Depending upon the parenting style, some parents might be too loose with boundaries, others too rigid, while others are inconsistent," Dr. Goldman says. "Toxic parents tend to overstep boundaries, ignore boundaries and set boundaries without communicating them to the child. This all impacts the ability of the child to relate to the parent in a healthy way."
7. Controlling behaviors
Autonomy is also a threat to toxic mothers.
"Any autonomy is seen as abandonment," Dr. Zuckerman says.
To counteract autonomy, Dr. Goldman says toxic mothers might lean into controlling behaviors.
"Controlling parenting...can appear like micromanaging, such as extreme scheduling," Dr. Goldman says.
8. Addiction
Shelton says toxic mothers may have issues with substance abuse or gambling.
"Abusing substances or gambling can interfere with their ability to effectively parent," Shelton says.
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How To Heal From a Toxic Mother
1. Set boundaries
This step is hard but necessary for children who grew up with toxic mothers, especially if Mom wasn't big on boundaries. Still, multiple experts say it's a vital step to healing.
"A boundary can include setting limits to the time one visits with a toxic parent, the frequency of phone calls or the topics they are willing to discuss," Dr. Lally says.
We've established toxic mothers have boundary issues, so expectations are key here.
"A boundary has nothing to do with another person’s behavior," Dr. Zuckerman says. "It’s about what you do...A behavior or response you give what you are willing to tolerate and what you are not. Whether they choose to abide by it is on them."
Whether they like it or not, you can still hold your boundary.
2. Therapy
Even setting boundaries can be a stress-fest with a toxic parent. Therapy is important in talking through past and present issues. Sometimes, bringing the mother might actually help she's willing to change.
"If it is a toxic pattern without bad intentions, it can be helpful to bring a parent with you," Dr. Zuckerman says.
However, the more narcissistic or unwilling to change a parent is, the better it is that you enter the therapy room sans Mom.
Related: When Is It Time to See a Therapist About Your Anxiety?
3. Self-care
Dr. Lally recommends journaling, meditation or walking. Dr. Zuckerman says dinner with a friend can help.
"Whatever gives you an outlet to voice your needs and opinions to let you know that they matter," Dr. Zuckerman says.
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