8 Things to Never Say to a New Mom, According to Deena and Kristin of 'Big Little Feelings'
Deena Margolin and Kristin Gallant of Big Little Feelings
New moms usually agree that it takes a village to raise our children and this is why parenting experts and social media influencers Deena Margolin and Kristin Gallant are garnering so much attention for their new After Bedtime With Big Little Feelings podcast.
With some 3.2 million Instagram followers—including celebrity parents Blake Lively, Eva Mendes, Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Amy Schumer—these best friends are teaming up to help moms of infants, toddlers and preschoolers (the under-six crowd) navigate everything from infertility to potty training and tantrums.
Their new podcast has been called "the mommy group you wish you had." It is a place where you show up after a long day of parenting “with spit up on you, in sweatpants with a wild mom bun, and you talk about all of the things that we're all experiencing as parents that no one talks about.”
In addition to the common topics, they use humor and empathy to tackle the "taboo" issues—such as how marriage changes after kids, miscarriages, feeling like a failure, sex drive, and guilt—in a raw, yet relatable way.
Considered to be trailblazers, these BFFs (since age 14) started the podcast that as busy parents, they themselves were longing for after a chaotic day.
Margolin is a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in children ages 1-6 and interpersonal neurobiology; while Gallant has a strong background in international maternal and childhood education.
Their real-life experience as moms juggling work and family makes Big Little Feelings a sought-after resource to successfully navigate all of the ups and downs of toddlerhood. They want parents not only to survive those tough early years, but to feel supported so that they thrive along the way.
“We wanted to have a best friend chat where we’re talking about the real stuff that all of us are going through that sometimes isn’t talked about. Things like how your marriage changes, how to handle tantrums, and all the hard things we’re all going through like feeling like a failure as a parent at the end of the day,” says Margolin.
“A lot of us are looping on it, but no one’s really talking about it,” she adds. “We know that this can leave you feeling alone and isolated, so we wanted to have this podcast be a place where you can come after a long day and feel supported and empowered.”
Related: The 50 Best Gifts for 1-Year-Olds for Birthdays and Holidays to Buy Online in 2023
“I don’t think we were meant to do this parenting thing alone. When you look at other cultures or when you just look at past parenting generations ago, you were surrounded by community,” says Gallant.
“Other people were taking care of you,” she continues. “They were nourishing you, bringing you food, taking care of your kids. This was never supposed to be an isolating experience. I find it so important for mothers and dads not to feel isolated.”
With that being said, if you're trying to offer community and support to a new mom in your life, here are eight things to never say to a new mom, according to the parenting experts of Big Little Feelings.
Courtesy Alex Stone Photography
8 Things Not To Say to a New Mom
1. "Sleep when the baby sleeps."
"One of my favorites is sleep when the baby sleeps, which is, like, impossible. They’re sleeping in the backseat when you’re driving the car," says Margolin.
"Clean when the baby cleans. Do laundry when the baby does laundry. Wash the dishes when the baby washes dishes," Gallant jokes.
2. "When are you having another child?"
“So, when are you having another baby?” I know after I had a baby, people immediately asked me that," recalls Margolin.
"Which is not so easy. People ask me all the time," echoes Gallant. "So the reason it’s not so easy is that behind the scenes, I was diagnosed with secondary infertility, I had a miscarriage, and I remember about a week after I had a miscarriage, somebody was like, ‘Are you going to have a third child?' I would say to stay away from the topics of ‘When are you having a baby?’ or ‘Are you having another one?"
Related: The FDA Approved the First Pill Specifically for Postpartum Depression—Here’s How It’s Different From Other Antidepressants
3. "You’ve got this. You will be a pro in no time."
Gallant recalls that when they released her from the hospital, she was taken aback. I was like, ‘I don’t think so, no. I need the nurses; we need everybody involved; this is a job for a village.’ I was like, 'Nope, I’m not leaving.'"
Simply being told "You've got this" when you're feeling completely at a loss can make the transition to motherhood even more overwhelming.
4. "Just wait until your child is experiencing major milestones…"
"Another one is ‘Just you wait until they’re talking; or “Just wait until they’re walking,’ and I feel like that just triggers such anxiety and fear and takes you out of the moment that you’re in—unnecessarily," explains Margolin.
She adds that it is similar to when people say, “Enjoy every minute.”
"You’re like, 'Well, sometimes this is hard,'" she says. "Especially the newborn phase—the baby phase, postpartum is hard, and so when you shove feelings down, that can lead to anxiety and depression."
5. "How are you doing with your pregnancy weight?"
"Keep mom's body off limits. Let’s not say anything about a mom’s body or a mom’s weight. Let’s let the moms recover," Margolin says. "Your body goes through so many changes. When you’re growing a baby, when you deliver that baby, when you are postpartum and healing—just leave bodies completely out of it."
Related: What's the Difference Between Authoritarian and Authoritative Parenting? Plus, Which One Is Best, According to Child Development Experts
Courtesy Alex Stone Photography
6. "Did you consider you might be holding your baby too much?"
Gallant says to stay away from unsolicited advice such as, "If you hold your baby too much, you’re going to spoil them, you need to put her down."
"I heard that all the time with my first and I just wanted to hold her; I wanted her to be on my chest I didn’t need the advice to put her down," Gallant explains. "She was good, thank you. And then with the next kids, maybe I didn’t hold them as much and that’s okay too."
7. "Are you sure you are doing the right thing when it comes to feeding, etc.?"
Gallant says that avoiding unsolicited advice in general is a good idea. "As a new mom I even heard in the grocery store, ‘She’s so big. You should stop feeding her formula.’ And I wasn’t even feeding her formula at the time, but even if I were...not really for you. But any unsolicited advice should be off limits. Just wait for the question, you know? Instead of offering advice."
8. "You look tired and sleep-deprived."
Margolin explains that another pet peeve is when people say, "You look tired. Are you tired?"
"Yes, I am, thank you so much. Thank you, for noticing," she says, adding, "Stay away from asking, ‘Are you sleeping?’" After all, most of the time, the answer is no. And the sleep deprivation is hard enough on its own.
"It’s so physically painful. And sometimes those middle-of-the-night feeds were just so lonely, so that was a tricky one for me too.
