The 9 Types of Parents You Meet on Halloween
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Halloween is a magical time when people big and small get to dress up and pretend to be someone — or something — entirely different for the night. But even if somebody is wearing a disguise, their attitude about Halloween still shines through. And whether you’re taking your kids trick-or-treating yourself or just letting them go solo while you hand out candy, there are a few categories of parents you’re definitely going to run into.
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The “Extra” Parents
These parents won’t just have a decorated front porch. They’ll have a soundtrack: either spooky music or haunted house sounds. Their yard will be transformed into a cemetery with foam headstones that say names like “I.M. Dedd”. They’ll have faux spiderwebs draped from every surface that faux spiderwebs can possibly stick to. Maybe even a fog machine. Probably a plastic skeleton posed in a chair. Someone will definitely pop up out of a coffin — or, at the very least, they’ll answer the door bedecked in a Halloween costume fit for a scary movie. These parents love Halloween. It’s their Super Bowl.
The Uneven Halloweeners
It’s easy to spot Uneven Halloweeners: one will be in a full-on costume, and the other will not. These parents have polar opposite feelings about Halloween, and it shows. One is dressed up in a thoughtfully put-together ensemble, while their partner is wearing jeans and a hoodie and looks like they’ve been forced to come trick-or-treating (because they probably have been). The costumed parent comes to the door with the kids, while the other one hangs back in the street, hands jammed into pockets, grudgingly being a good sport — because they’d really rather be doing other things.
The Coordinating Costumers
On the opposite end of the spectrum, we’ve got the Coordinating Costumers, whose entire family is not only dressed up, but dressed up as a theme. They’re Pokémon characters or various circus performers or something cute like “breakfast” where one parent is bacon, the other parent is eggs, the bigger kid is a piece of toast and the baby is an adorable little pat of butter. There was clearly a lot of thought and effort put into this (and you just know they had a spreadsheet). One family member doesn’t like the chosen theme? Too bad. They look like they’re ready to win the grand prize at a costume contest … and honestly, they probably would.
The Surreptitious Sippers
These parents probably pull their kids around in a wagon with cupholders — because they’re both carrying a beverage, and there’s pretty much a 100% chance that whatever’s in that Stanley tumbler is spiked. Is it cider? Is it cocoa? Is it just straight whiskey? You can never tell. But one thing is for certain: they’re taking full advantage of the fact that trick-or-treating involves walking instead of driving. Bottoms up!
The Low-Effort Parents
You’ll know these parents by the plastic bowl of candy with a sign that reads “Take One” next to their abandoned front porch … devoid of jack-o-lanterns, of course. Answering the door a million times is for chumps. Their idea of “going all out” is wearing a headband with cat ears left over from a bachelorette party (don’t ask) — maybe with some whiskers hastily drawn on with eyeliner if they’re feeling motivated — or slapping on an eye patch with their regular clothes. The low-effort parents really couldn’t give a flying fig about Halloween, but celebrate (and I use the term loosely) only because they have kids and it’s tradition.
The Health-Conscious Household
Handing out candy is not an option for these parents — sugar is toxic, food dye is the devil, and sweets are just cavities waiting to happen. You’re getting an apple, buddy! Or a pencil. Or a Halloween-themed eraser. Or a teeny container of bubbles. Whatever it is, it’ll definitely be gluten-free. The health-conscious household might let their kids go trick-or-treating so they don’t miss out, but then make them trade all their candy in for a toy or leave it for the Sweet-Swapping Fairy or some such thing.
The Politeness Police
“Say thank you!” is the repeated mantra of these parents. Their kids are gonna be respectful, dammit. The Politeness Police are the parents who remind their children at every house to walk on the sidewalk, not cut through the yard. They ask their kids after each stop, “Did you say thank you?” — and if the kid forgot, they march them back up to the door to offer the forgotten thanks and pay for their blatant disrespect. Either that or they hover closely behind their trick-or-treater like a Halloween hummingbird, hissing “Don’t forget to say ‘thank you!'” before the poor kid has a chance to get it out of his mouth. “Trick or treat, smell my feet?” Not on these parents’ watch.
The “It’s for the Baby” Parents
You won’t find these parents hanging back in the street. They come up to every door — because their kid is too young to walk there themselves. As a matter of fact, their kid is too young to do … well, pretty much anything except look cute in a size 3-month costume as they sleep peacefully in their stroller, oblivious to the Halloween hubbub going on around them. “Trick or treat!” the parents trill on the baby’s behalf, since the baby is too busy snoozing through the event they’re too young to remember anyway. Maybe they just couldn’t wait to share the festivities with their offspring — but more likely, they just want to load up on candy “for the baby” that they’ll eat every single piece of themselves. Because we all know the only thing going in that baby’s mouth at this age is a nipple, not a Now and Later.
The Trick-or-Talkers
If the kids of these parents look bored, it’s because they are … since they’ve been hanging out at the same house for 20 minutes while their folks shoot the sh*t. These parents seem to know absolutely everyone, and they use trick-or-treating as an excuse to catch up with every homeowner within a two-mile radius. Like politicians, they go door to door ready to chat up anyone who answers. Is there a better time to talk about work, weather, city ordinances, extended family, couponing, car repairs, and the price of candy than Halloween? Well actually, yes there is — but you wouldn’t know it judging by these parents.
The world needs all types, and Halloween wouldn’t be nearly as fun if everyone celebrated in the same manner. In the end, everybody comes away with candy, so it’s a win (OK, some people come away with apples and toothbrushes, but I digress). No matter what kind of Halloween parent you are, own it proudly!
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