Abbey's Road: Fixing to be a Fixer
From very early in life, I have known that I am a Fixer.
Not the kind of fixer like my dad, who can take any broken toy or household item into his magical workshop and bring it back as good as new. (Though I like to try my hand at that on occasion, with mixed results.)
No, I am a Fixer who likes to (think she can) make situations better and help the world become a more peaceful place. Anyone who is a Fixer knows this is a difficult role to play in life because there will always be things you can’t fix: People, situations, circumstances, the many moving parts that make up the fabric of our everyday lives.
But that doesn’t stop Fixers from trying.
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I remember in elementary school when my friends would get into arguments about stuff that elementary kids argue about (Whose Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper was the best? Did Jessica actually pass a note to Derek to ask him if he liked her, yes or no, and why would she do that knowing that Megan had the hugest crush on Derek since like second grade?). It broke my heart that my factions of friends were fighting, and I always tried my best to smooth things over because, at the end of the day, I just want there to be peace.
Fixers like peace.
When I became a parent, my inner Fixer kicked into overdrive, wanting to control every aspect and problem in my children’s lives so as to minimize the amount of pain they’d have to experience.
Of course any parent — Fixer or not — knows this is an impossible thing.
But it doesn’t stop a Fixer from trying.
When my kids were old enough to go to school and make friendships for themselves — not the handpicked, mom-to-mom friendships that you select on their behalf when they’re toddlers, but the ones where they choose their own people, whether or not those people are good for them — and learned hard lessons about relationships, I tried to redirect them toward healthier friend choices and soothe their aching hearts.
This year, in middle school, when Bookworm found herself caught up in a particularly messy bit of catty middle school girl drama, I felt my inner Fixer break a little bit, knowing it was beyond my capabilities to glue this one back together.
It’s hard to be a Fixer without the ability to fix.
In one such instance — because an incapacitated Fixer occasionally needs an outlet — I summarized my thoughts in writing as such:
“We’ve been dealing with some Class A “Mean Girls” crud lately and it’s affected me as a mom more than I expected it to. These feelings of helplessness — I don’t like ‘em.
I see her tears and hug her and try to find the right words but really I’m not sure what they are. And I want to swoop in and make everything better but I know that’s not always the right answer (sometimes it is, not always).”
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While this particular situation did, in time, come to at least some semblance of a resolution, the truth is that won’t always happen.
And what I’ve come to learn in a lifetime of being a Fixer is that I cannot possibly fix every broken person, every broken thing. It’s not actually my job, as much as I like to think it is. But even if I can’t fix, I can still be present, and that counts for something.
Every Fixer is different in how they choose to handle the moment in which they come to the end of their own abilities. For me, this process involves laying the broken pieces in front of a Fixer whose powers I believe to be infinitely greater than mine. This is a thing called faith, and it’s the easiest and hardest thing to rely upon in moments when all a Fixer wants is control.
If there is one thing I’ve learned in my lifetime as a fixer, it’s that letting go of my need to control is actually one of the wisest and best things I can do when I come to the end of myself.
I suppose you could call being a Fixer a blessing and a curse; on one hand, you experience the reward of facilitating healing and reconciliation; on the other, you won’t always succeed.
But the possibility of failure won’t stop a Fixer from trying.
And I’m okay with that.
Abbey Roy is a mom of three girls who make every day an adventure. She writes to maintain her sanity. You can probably reach her at [email protected], but responses are structured around bedtimes and weekends.
This article originally appeared on Newark Advocate: Being a Fixer has benefits, challenges
