How to Actually Heal From a Breakup, According to Therapists
The best advice I ever got after a breakup was from a friend: “One day you won’t believe you were going to settle for 90 percent, once you find the person who’s your 100 percent.” For me, this quote was a great perspective shift and reminder that things can only get better. Healing from a breakup is a process that can take months or even years, depending on what happened and how long the relationship lasted. Allow yourself to cry until you feel like you can’t physically cry anymore, and then go ahead and keep crying after that.
After one of my biggest breakups, I made the decision to dive head-first into healing, no matter how impossible and hard it felt. I had done hard work with my therapist before, and I didn’t want to waste time and shove my pain into some dark corner of my brain, only for it to rear its ugly head months later when I actually found someone I wanted to move on with.
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I took my time and I’ll forever be proud of that, which is why I’m so excited to have worked with psychologists for this piece to give you real, actionable ways to get on your breakup healing journey without doing something impulsive. Although, if you want to add that on to your journey, do you (as long as you follow some of these other tips as well!).
Remember, healing from a breakup takes time, so give yourself all the space you need in order to feel OK again. Take stock of small wins, try to get outside for a quick walk for some movement, and find your new comfort show to keep you company when you need it most. Working with a therapist can help keep you on track, and so can these six tips from psychologists.
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I know that therapy is a huge privilege and can be a difficult cost if you don’t have insurance or insurance that covers mental healthcare. But I’m here to give you permission to… ask for a discount. So many therapists are willing to accept patients on a sliding scale basis if you explain your circumstances. If you need help crafting a sample email, try this: “Dear Dr. X, As much as I respect your work and feel willing and able to give you the time and attention dedicated to working together, I cannot commit to joining your sessions at the described cost. As my salary is currently $X, I think $X per session is more feasible for me. Would you be able to accommodate, or can you recommend a colleague who can?” When I first started working with my therapist nearly eight years ago and had a low salary, she agreed to see me for $50 per session and I am forever grateful.
There are also affordable, comprehensive platforms for virtual therapy from the comfort of your space. BetterHelp is a helpful app that matches you with a therapist within 48 hours, and the subscription includes one weekly live therapy session (on the phone, video, or live chat), messaging with your therapist, journaling tools, and more. All of this runs about $60 to $90 per week, and you can cancel anytime. StyleCaster readers can score 25% off their first month with the code “stylecaster.”
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Even going just one time per month can be better than nothing at all. Just remember, finding the right therapist is a trial-and-error experience. If you do not feel like you’re getting the help you need, kindly part ways with your therapist and try again with someone else. This is not insulting; it’s simply part of the process and therapists are used to it. Now is the time to ask for what you need, and that includes a helpful therapist who understands you and can help you grow.
Set a Routine
Depending on how active your ex was in your life (especially if you lived together), working with a therapist to establish a new routine can be more helpful than you think. Make sure to give yourself tons of grace in this routine. If you’re craving five hours of television time before bed, add that into the schedule!
“No longer having a partner to account for in a daily routine might leave empty space,” says Michele Goldman, PsyD, psychologist and the media advisor for Hope for Depression Research Foundation. “Find a routine that focuses entirely on the self and the things that generally make you feel better; this might include starting a new exercise routine, joining a class you’ve always wanted to take, getting outside for fresh air, meditating in the morning, or journaling in the evenings.”
Need recommendations? Try joining a pole dance studio, go on a trip with your best friend, and dive into a new show with tons of seasons from the comfort of your bathtub. I highly recommend The Fosters and Good Trouble—both are on Hulu, have tons of seasons, and enough low-stakes drama to distract you from your own issues for a while.
Start Affirmations
One of my favorite things to do when feeling low is write down a few facts about myself that I know to be true (and trust to be true in the moment) on my bathroom mirror. On the days when I need a boost, I head to the bathroom, sit at the edge of the tub, and read the list out loud to myself over and over until I felt better.
Affirmations also help build and improve your self-esteem. They can also act as a way of challenging and replacing your negative and anxious thinking regarding stress, depression, physical pain, and anxiety.
Dr. Lee Phillips
This actionable task works in multiple ways. First, it rewires your brain into thinking positively about yourself, which is crucial when dealing with a breakup, and second, it’s a physical thing you can do (walk to the bathroom to read) when you feel paralyzed by your thoughts.
“Affirmations are a great coping skill because they can motivate you to accomplish your goals, whether improving your mental, physical, and sexual health or healing from a breakup,” explains Lee Phillips, PhD, psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist. “Affirmations also help build and improve your self-esteem. They can also act as a way of challenging and replacing your negative and anxious thinking regarding stress, depression, physical pain, and anxiety.”
Dr. Phillips recommends incorporating them in the morning to start your day or at night to regulate your system through journaling. Some sample affirmations, according to Dr. Phillips, include:
Feeling good is my birthright.
I make feeling good my highest priority.
I am ready for a beautiful experience.
I choose to have fun right now.
I attract love into my life easily.
I’m ready to receive love in abundance.
I release the past and the future.
Practice Emotion Surfing
“Many people have a desire to disconnect from how they feel (i.e. they don’t want to be sad), avoid how they feel, push away emotions that are uncomfortable,” says Dr. Goldman. “This can actually prolong the grieving period. Instead, see if you can take a ‘curious’ approach to emotions in order to better understand them and determine what you might want or need in that given moment.”
See if you can take a ‘curious’ approach to emotions in order to better understand them and determine what you might want or need in that given moment.
Dr. Michele Goldman.
Another term for this is called emotion surfing. “Envision each emotion you feel as a wave (it rises, peaks, falls),” says Dr. Goldman. Practice the following steps to emotion surfing:
Notice: Notice how you feel emotionally, notice body sensations
Name: Name how you feel; what is the best word for the emotion you are experiencing? What prompted this emotion at this moment?
Acknowledge it: Allow yourself to acknowledge the reality of the situation (i.e. you are a human having a normal human reaction; this is not permanent; your body is releasing what it needs to in order to feel better)
Sit with it: Pause, don’t try to change the emotion or judge it. Trust that your body is doing what it needs to do at this moment. Breathe through it if it is uncomfortable.
Release: Find ways to let go of the emotion; this looks different for many of us; it can be an action like crying or screaming, or can be an internal visualization of watching the emotions move outside of your body and float away from you. You might need to get creative to find the way you prefer to release emotions.
Set Boundaries
Blocking is not petty, it’s healthy! There’s nothing worse than feeling OK for a minute and then getting a notification that your ex just posted something where they look happy (even though you know they’re probably just running from their pain, unlike you!). Cut out the drama and put your needs first by doing whatever you need to do to feel better, which might include blocking your ex. Who cares what they think about the block? This time is about you, baby.
Dr. Goldman recommends to “cleanse your space (put things in boxes, get items out of sight for the time being) so as not to to eliminate the person from your life entirely,” in case that feels easier than throwing out everything that reminds you of that person.
Lean On Your Support System
Even if you feel like you blew off some of your friendships while you were in a relationship, you’d be surprised how many people are willing to be there for you once you invite them back into your life. If there was a true friendship ghosting on your end, you can lead the text by saying something like, “I’m so sorry I was too wrapped up in my relationship to make time for our friendship. That’s something I never want to do again moving forward. I’d love to reconnect and prioritize our friendship in my life if you’re open to it.”
“To combat the feelings of loneliness and/or loneliness post breakup, it is important to connect with the people who love and care about you,” explains Dr. Goldman. “Schedule dinners with friends or fun activities that you’ve been wanting to do for a while; let yourself hangout, enjoy the time with people, and ‘fill up’ emotionally on the connections you have with your friends/family.”
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