I Am a Pro-Impeachment Ghost and My Boos Are Being Silenced

From ELLE

I am a ghost that was at Sunday's World Series game during which Donald Trump was booed and I am shocked and appalled at commentators today, like the panel of dour neckties on Morning Joe, who are calling booing and chanting "Lock him up" uncivil. This is Ghost Erasure and I will not stand for it. Well, I will not hover six inches above the creaking floorboards for it! Same difference! A boo is the language of the undead and I will not be silenced.

Look, Lifers, I'm an apparition with a position! Ghosts can't talk, okay? We have no choice but to boo! It is our only form of communication. This essay was transcribed using a spectrometer! The only way for me to reach you in this medium was by using a medium! So, yes, I booed and no, I will not be shamed for it, particularly during spooky season!

First of all, if booing a bungling mafioso who regularly throws himself rage rallies and spends all day calling people names on Twitter is uncivil, then lock me up. I'll just slip through the bars. Cuz I'm a ghost! Officer Krupke ain't got nothing on me!

Second of all, there is nothing more American than booing people at sports games. The fine folks of Philadelphia (the Cancun of Ghost Cities) once booed Santa Claus at an Eagles game. Is your weird, angry president Santa Claus? Honey, I served with Kris Kringle. I knew Kris Kringle. Kris Kringle was a friend of mine. Buddy, you're no Kris Kringle.

Third of all, are your standards Lindsay Lohan in The Parent Trap cuz I'm seeing double? You humans have voices (and vocal cords and corporeal forms, etc.) but you can't use them to express your displeasure with a president? A historically unpopular president? Non-violently? But he can lead chants of "Send her back" at a stadium whenever he wants? And didn't some zombie in a double-breasted suit shout "You lie" at Obama on the floor of Congress? It's been a while since I was alive (roughly 2,000 years; I was Mary Magdalene's best friend Clive) but I'm starting to suspect that in the present "civility" is really just code for "I don't like that."

Well, you know what I don't like? Being told that I can't boo when I want to boo! This is so frustrating. I just want to enjoy the UnderWorld Series with the rest of my undead friends and now I have to get on to Alexander Graham Bell's internet and lecture you all about what is and is not civility. I'm busy. (Or as we say in the boosness, I'm boosy. It's a ghost joke. You wouldn't understand. But you will.) Yes, I booed at the ballgame but I could have been just ordering an Ecto Cooler or casually talking about the post I saw on Wraithbook the other day. Respect my discourse! Of course, I was actually booing with my boos. But that's my right!

And if the President of the United States can't handle being briefly out of his sycophantic bubble of yes-people and coming face-to-face with the opinions of the American people, without falling to pieces, maybe he's not up to the job and move aside. The ghost of Eleanor Roosevelt wants a crack at it anyway. The ghost of Igor Stravinsky just showed up yelling about how they rioted at "The Rite of Spring". A riot! Over classical music! And y'all are mad about five seconds of uninterrupted booing? You hate to banshee it.

It's real easy for you live humans to talk about civility regarding the person who took out a full-page ad calling for the execution of five innocent men in New York City, but civility looks a lot different on my side when at every bar Haunty Hour I have to avoid conversation with poltergeists who want to lecture me about the War of Northern Aggression. Yuck! The afterlife is not cute, baby. Better boo while you can!

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