Anxiety Totally Ruined My Sex Life—But Then It Made My Relationship Even Better
I’ve had anxiety on and off for as long as I can remember. As a kid, I’d stay awake worrying that my family and I would literally die in our sleep for no reason at all. I’ve always felt the worst at night, alone with my thoughts. When I was younger, that meant staring at the ceiling and feeling the beat of my racing heart, but as an adult, it actually affected my sex life. (Related: 8 Signs You Have Anxiety That’s Messing With Your Life)
My boyfriend of two years, knew about my anxiety the moment we started dating, but about a year into our relationship, I had a terrible flare-up that lasted for weeks. I’d hop into bed, my chest would tighten, and my heart rate would skyrocket. Sex was the absolute last thing on my mind. I just wanted to calm the heck down and not feel like the world was about to end. (Not exactly a recipe for intimacy, hah.)
One night, he tried to initiate sex and I straight up burst into tears. We stayed up talking about how my nerves were ruining my libido, and we knew we needed a concrete solution—sex is veeery important to both of us—and we committed to finding one that works.
So we tried deep-breathing exercises...
First up: Every night before bed, we did five minutes of deep-breathing exercises and “body scans,” during which we would lie back and tense each muscle until we zen’d out (my S.O. learned this technique from doing yoga with his mom).
We'd use guided scans from the Calm app, and they generally lasted long enough that by the time we realized the scan was over, we were about to pass TF out. So yeah, it helped my anxiety, but we usually fell asleep. Definitely useful, but not so much ~sexy~. Back to the drawing board.
But cardio was key
We tried moving our anti-anxiety practices to earlier in the day, starting with a run. My doc had told me cardio could rev my arousal levels and he is an *avid* runner, so we'd take long jogs along the river once I got back from work.
While running, we'd give each other the details of our respective days. I'd feel my stressors fall away as our feet clapped the pavement. By the time we got back to the apartment, my mood was definitely lifted.
We'd make dinner after exercising, shower together, watch our favorite shows, and just talk. The runs put me in a good mood for the rest of the night until my head hit the pillow. Things were definitely looking up, but not quiiite there yet. It was a li'l glimmer of hope, though.
And we went to bed earlier
One of the last things we tried was heading to bed a bit earlier. I thought this would help me establish more of a routine (I'm a night owl) instead of constantly laying awake in my ruminating thoughts.
Plus, it would give me a chance to ~chill~ for a while, wrapped up in his arms, and get in a sexual mood, free of any pressure to start sex quickly in the name of going to sleep ASAP.
Time made all the difference
This early-to-bed strategy turned out to be crucial because it allowed us the time to cuddle and experiment. We tried incorporating more vibrating toys that offered an easy (and fun) distraction from my dread, and spent more time on foreplay. Soon, this intentional, extra-intimate sex became as ingrained in our routine as brushing our teeth.
A year later, the benefits extend way beyond a better mood. Since we made sex such a priority early in our ’ship, we learned a ton about what we like and don’t like and set the tone: no convo is off-limits.
We still talk about what’s working and what’s not, both in and outside the bedroom, and in a weird way, I have my anxiety to thank for that.
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