'Any hotel that can take me from check-in to naked in a mud bath in 30 minutes wins my approval'
Any hotel that can take me from check-in to naked in a mud bath in the space of 30 minutes wins my approval. It was the start of an indulgence of service at the delectable Lime Wood Hotel and its Herb House Spa. The absence of a reception area certainly helped. A small podium in the hallway served as an informal greeting spot, adding to the feeling of arriving at a home from home.
Part of The Pig group of hotels, this architectural oddity in the heart of the New Forest offered a perfect venue to reboot after festive excesses. Dry January had remained pretty moist in my house and plans to take off for a spa week with a girlfriend dwindled as the responsibilities of the new year took precedence.
With February looming, I settled for an overnight detox with my husband in tow. More of a retoxing expert, he showed surprisingly willing to begin with, nodding sagely at the need for restraint, the benefits of clearing pesky toxins and even giving a thumbs-up to the aforementioned Mud House experience, the news that we were to be let loose with a bowl of clay and no supervision sealing the deal.
The reality proved more challenging. Holed up in the womb-like stone bath house, lathered in Moroccan mud and sweating under an array of fake stars, he managed to get clay in his eye and then tripped over his own shoes on the way to the bathroom.
Coupled with his non-stop commentary on the temperature, the excellent grouting of the tiles, the inspired architecture that made us feel part of the forest, and so on, it wasn’t long before I was wishing I’d held out for a more tranquil female companion!
We emerged with velvety smooth skin and briefly contemplated trying out the breathtaking rooftop gym with its views across the treetops before settling for less strenuous activities.
Jason found his nirvana in the thermal pools, no coincidence that it was a treatment requiring zero effort from the beneficiary. I opted for a signature facial by Voya and after being massaged and masqued emerged having undergone a miraculous example of time travel: transformed in only an hour to appearing a decade younger.
Back in our palatial Forest Suite, with its jet-black doomed ceiling, double-ended bath and woodland views, we basked in the child-free tranquillity, read, dozed and debated whether or not we’d earned ourselves the right to a cocktail.
The bespoke oak creation that ingeniously housed the minibar proved a temptation too far. There’s a frisson of excitement to be had from knocking back a gin and tonic in a luxurious hotel suite while someone else is picking up your children from school and rustling up their supper!
One of many life lessons I’ve picked up is you don’t try to embrace a diet in an Angela Hartnett restaurant. Plans to keep to steamed fish and fizzy water were abandoned the moment we walked into the convivial, conversation buzzing dining room of the hotel’s Hartnett, Holder & Co.
Warmly lit and devoid of the signature pesky whispering in more grandiose establishments, it perhaps best exemplifies Lime Wood’s mission to fill the gap between the back-to-the-playroom experience of Soho House establishments and the formality of traditional country house hotels.
We crammed oven-warm bread into our mouths and basked in the attention of the terrifyingly knowledgeable sommelier. It would have been positively rude not to take up his recommendation of a delightful Luberon white that would go with all of our meal choices; mine the Scandi-tinted beetroot salad with a splash of crème fra?che, followed by Skrei cod.
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What else can I tell you? Breakfast in bed with the papers on a working Friday feels slightly naughty and following it with a massage an act of total debauchery. Lunch in the spa’s delicious Raw and Cured Café – a variety of vegetarian dips, crispy kale covered in parmesan and nutty “raw” bread – had us seriously contemplating a new gourmet vegetarian lifestyle.
Who’d have thought 24 hours in Hampshire could have such a dramatic impact on the rest of our lives, though let none of us hold our breath in anticipation!
The essentials
Lime Wood Hotel (telegraph.co.uk/tt-lime-wood-hotel) offers double rooms from ￡245 a night.