Everything to Know About Being Asexual Ahead of International Asexuality Day on April 6
If your friends talk about sex and you don’t feel the same desire as they do, or if you don’t find yourself physically attracted to others, there’s a chance that you could be asexual. That might be a confusing thought, and you might not understand what exactly that means yet, but it’s important to note that just like being straight, queer, gay, lesbian, pan, or bi, being asexual is a sexual orientation. Asexual people — often called “ace” or “aces” for short — experience little to no sexual attraction, and yes, it’s completely normal.
“While most asexual people desire emotionally intimate relationships, they are not drawn to sex as a way to express that intimacy,” Keygan Miller (they/them), Public Training Manager at The Trevor Project, explains. “There is nothing wrong with asexual people, they aren’t naive, and they don’t need to ‘wait for the right one to come along.’”
Ahead of International Asexuality Day on April 6, Miller and Ted Lewis (they/them), Youth and Families Director at the Human Rights Campaign, break down everything to understand about asexuality. But note that not all asexual people are alike when it comes to their experiences and preferences. So, if you choose to use the term asexual, you don’t need to fit into any particular box or definition. Your sexual exploration is yours and yours alone. Just listen to yourself and trust your gut.
How do I know if I’m asexual?
Asexual people might want a romantic, emotional, and spiritual connection with someone, but don’t have the desire to engage in sexual activity, Lewis and Miller explain. “The biggest sign is not feeling that sexual attraction,” Lewis says.
“Be true to yourself and how you feel,” Miller adds. “Remember, love does not automatically equal sex or being physical. In fact, there are many happy, healthy relationships that don’t involve those things.”
It’s important to note that there is a major difference between asexuality and celibacy, Lewis says. Someone who is celibate has sexual desire but does not engage in sexual activity by choice, while someone who is asexual feels little to no sexual attraction. “People often get them confused because they both are about not engaging in sexual activity,” they explain. “But one is about someone’s innate level of attraction, and the other one is about someone making a choice whether or not to act on their sexual attractions.”
I have no desire to have sex, but I see that people are attractive. Am I still asexual?
Yes, you might be asexual. You notice what is considered attractive, and you can appreciate someone’s beauty, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you want to have sex with them. According to the Asexual Visibility and Education Network, “sexual orientation ultimately comes down to an intrinsic desire for sex with another person. If you don’t experience that, the attraction to others generally isn’t sexual.”
I sometimes feel sexually attracted to someone. Does that mean I am sexual?
Like other facets of sexuality, asexuality is not black or white. It’s an umbrella term, “and there are many ways to identify within the community,” Miller explains.
Some people who define themselves as somewhere in between asexual and sexual consider themselves to be graysexual, also known as gray, gray-asexual, or gray-a. They might only occasionally experience sexual attraction, while others might identify as demisexual, which means that they only experience sexual attraction after establishing a strong emotional connection with someone.
Do asexual people have sex?
Again, it completely depends on the person, but some asexual people do have sex for different reasons, and AVEN says that some do enjoy it. “Some asexual people may choose to engage in sexual activity because they have a sexual libido, to express intimacy to a partner, or for another reason,” Miller notes.
Some asexual people have continuous sex in a committed relationship, “because of the other elements of bonding and physical stimulation that please them,” AVEN notes.
Can asexual people be in relationships?
Absolutely! Asexuality does not prevent you from having a crush or being in love. “Many asexual people experience romantic attraction,” Miller shares. “Aces commonly describe their romantic attraction by putting hetero-, homo-, bi-, and pan- in front of the word romantic to describe who they experience romantic attraction to.”
Even if the attraction isn’t sexual, there are many different ways an asexual person expresses intimacy, they add. “Asexual people can fall in love, choose to be in romantic relationships, or have a spouse or children,” Miller explains. “They can also choose not to do any of those. Within the ace community, there are many different ways to identify and choose to live.” Some people find themselves to be aromantic, meaning they don’t have romantic desires at all.
If I get turned on, am I still asexual?
According to AVEN, “asexual people can still have libidos or experience arousal, but do not experience any intrinsic attraction or desire to engage in sexual activities with other people.” You may still feel sexually aroused at times for various reasons that don’t have to do with the desire to have sex with someone else. This also means that asexual people may still masturbate.
Is there an asexual pride flag?
Yes! It consists of four horizontal stripes: one black, one gray, one white, and one purple. “The black represents asexuality, the gray represents gray-asexuality and demisexuality, the white represents non-asexual partners and allies, and the purple represents community,” Miller explains.
International Asexuality Day takes place every year on April 6, while Ace Week, a worldwide campaign to raise awareness and increase education on the asexuality community, occurs annually during the last week of October.
What resources are available to asexual people?
Again, if you identify as asexual, you are not alone, and there are many resources available to you. The Trevor Project and the Human Rights Campaign offer resources on understanding asexuality, including definitions, FAQs, and facts about the asexual community. Additionally, both Miller and Lewis recommend the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network.
“The biggest thing in terms of resources is finding a community, whether that be a local LGBTQ center, or maybe it’s your GSA in your school, but somewhere that can accept you and a place where people will allow you to explore your asexuality in a safe and supportive way,” Lewis adds.
You Might Also Like
