Ashton Kutcher Says He Parents His Son and Daughter Differently—Is ‘Toxic Masculinity’ To Blame?

Breaking generational cycles is hard but important, and people with large platforms have a responsibility to lead the change.

Fact checked by Sarah ScottFact checked by Sarah Scott

Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis haven’t shied away from sharing their parenting strategies for their two children. A few years ago, the couple said they only bathe their daughter, Wyatt, now 9, and son, Dimitri, now 7, when they can see dirt on them.

But Kutcher recently waded into muddy waters on an episode of the podcast Throwbacks when he addressed how he and Kunis parent their children differently, largely implying that the distinct approaches leaned into gender stereotypes he hasn’t unlearned.

The That '70s Show alum admitted feeling more comfortable watching his son take risks and being more triggered by his daughter’s crying. Kutcher conceded to hosts Matt Leinart and Jerry Ferrara that the large amounts of “toxic masculinity” he’s experienced in his life are probably playing a role.

As a mother, I have empathy for all parents. No one is perfect, and we’re all influenced by our baggage. At the same time, unlearning harmful stereotypes is essential so that our children and their classmates live in a world that moves forward, not backward.

People like Kutcher, who have a large platform and access to resources like therapy to work through their thoughts and behaviors, are responsible for leading that change. Here’s why (and how I’m trying to practice what I am about to preach).

Ashton Kutcher's Take On Toxic Masculinity and Parenting

To be fair, the hosts set Kutcher up for—what I think—is a misstep by asking him about his experience as a “girl dad.”

Quick detour: The term “girl dad” rose in popularity shortly after former NBA All-Star and father of four daughters Kobe Bryant died in 2020 (along with his eldest child, Gigi). Sports anchor Elle Duncan went viral for an emotional monologue about the time she asked Bryant if he wanted a son, and he responded that he loved being a girl dad. The term is now generally more accepted as one of endearment (while #boymom has been relegated to a “toxic hashtag” and sweatshirt slogan from Starbucks-drinking Millennial moms—but that’s a separate, albeit adjacent, hot take).

Anyway, Kutcher gave an honest but sadly predictable answer.

“I don’t know if it equates to being a girl dad or it equates to her being my first, but when I had my daughter, I had never been so in love in my entire life,” Kutcher said. “Mila and I talked about it a lot…I’ve never loved anyone this much. Ever.”

OK, that’s not bad. Many parents (myself included) felt that way after having a child. Here’s where the wheels come off.

“My son, I’m always like, ‘Yeah, let’s go for it,’” Kutcher continued. “Yesterday, we’re popping wheelies on a bicycle in the driveway. Or, it’s like, ‘See if you can jump down four stairs,’” he said. “[With] my daughter, I just want to protect her. When my son cries, I’m like, ‘All right, what did we learn? Let’s move on.’ But when my daughter cries, my heart is out of my body, and I can’t put it back in.”

Kutcher noted that a ton of “toxic masculinity” is likely in play here but that his wife, Kunis, also takes different approaches with their children.

“She’s very strict on our daughter and a gush ball with our son,” Kutcher said. “I think we balance each other in that way.”

We Can Change That Narrative on Parenting

I’ll start by saying I am the mother of two young boys, so I can’t relate to raising a daughter. I can relate to the idea that breaking generational cycles is hard. For instance, people may parent the way they were parented and be more inclined to emotionally neglect a child. It’s harmful but understandable to approach life based on your experiences.

But we can do hard things, and we need to, which is why I am trying to raise my boys in a way that takes the pressure off of parents with girls to teach them to protect themselves. The concept that girls “have to learn” to protect themselves puts the burden on them to prevent unwanted touching and sexual assault down the road—as if wearing a mini-skirt is an excuse for cat-calls and abuse.

The over-protectiveness of girls (and being stricter with them in the process) can also create a culture where girls are less inclined to share ideas than boys for fear of not being good enough (or perfect), as noted in a recent LEGO study of more than 60,000 families.

So, I use every opportunity to teach my sons about other people’s bodies. When they play wrestle and one starts crying, I note, “Oh, he doesn’t like that feeling. It seems like it’s time to stop and play differently.”

I even use our dogs as a teaching moment. One isn’t a fan of the kids petting him but likes it when they help walk him and, of course, give him treats. I highlight that this is how this dog likes being loved, while our other dog enjoys a good back scratch—and treats. It also involves using any moment to point out strong female leaders (Vice President Kamala Harris has made this one easier with her presidential bid).

More than that, I also want them to know that being scared and sad is OK. They can cry, and I will serve as their secure base and comfort them without telling them to stop or relax (though I will tell them to stop hitting if that’s how they express themselves).

One of my sons takes longer to warm up at parties and in social settings, and I am constantly telling him that he can wait as long as he needs to jump in (I also ask adults, including professionals like teachers, family members, and speech therapists, to give him space and stop pressuring him).

Boys are entitled to take all risks or have the floor to express creative ideas whenever they want. They also are entitled to cry and receive comfort. Girls get to have a voice, too, and can pop a wheelie if they’re ready. They also deserve to cry and receive comfort if they popped that wheelie a little too soon.

Is it easy? No, especially when you consider these cycles involve gender stereotypes that have existed since the dawn of human existence when men were the hunger-gatherers and women were the child-rearing caretakers. It requires self-reflection, pausing, and maybe some therapy. But it’s a journey worth walking.

Times have changed. We know better, and it’s long past time to do better. Those with privilege and resources should be spearheading it rather than excusing it.

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