What Avoidant Attachment Looks Like in a Relationship
When you want intimacy so badly but don't know how to handle it
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Reviewed by Sabrina Romanoff, PsyDReviewed by Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD
Every person you meet—yourself included—has an attachment style. This refers to how someone attaches to and bonds with others, and a person’s style is often greatly impacted by their upbringing and life experiences. Four core attachment styles exist, and today we’re zeroing in specifically on avoidant attachment.
Whether you’re simply curious about the different attachment style types or suspect you or another person may have an avoidant attachment style, this article will shed some light on the topic.
Related: What Is Attachment Theory?
What Are Attachment Styles?
Attachment styles were developed by British psychologist John Bowlby and refer to the way humans interact and attach with one another. It also impacts the way we view and interpret our relationships, and ultimately affects intimacy dynamics.
Psychologist Mary Ainsworth greatly expanded on Bowlby's work in the 1970s, and other researchers have added to our understanding attachment styles, as well. Today, the four primary attachment styles are secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized, with the former three being defined by Ainsworth and the latter being added by researchers Main and Solomon in 1986.
"The way we attach is formed early on as a result of how primary caregivers behaved toward meeting their child's needs."
Michael Mongo, MFT, PhD, LP
“The way we attach is formed early on as a result of how primary caregivers behaved toward meeting their child's needs,” explains licensed psychoanalyst Michael Mongo, MFT, PhD, LP. “This then creates a template or default of how we can expect to be treated, and importantly shapes nearly all of our relationships, especially romantic ones.”
The four attachment styles represent a person's internalized subjective experience of how it emotionally feels to be close and connected in relationships.
Related: 7 Surprising Ways to Make Your Relationship Even Better
What Makes Someone Avoidant?
Avoidant attachment is characterized by having discomfort with emotional intimacy, a strong desire for independence, and difficulty wholly trusting others. In other words, the person avoids getting too close to someone else.
“Folks with avoidant attachment style are often emotionally unavailable and struggle to emotionally invest in a relationship,” notes Morgan Anderson, Psy. D., a psychologist who specializes in attachment theory. “Individuals with an avoidant attachment style learned to depend on themselves and struggle to be emotionally close in their relationships with others.”
"Individuals with an avoidant attachment style learned to depend on themselves and struggle to be emotionally close in their relationships with others"
Morgan Anderson, PsyD
She adds that they may struggle with expressing their emotions and their needs, and that it’s common for them to disengage from their own emotions which makes expressing themselves difficult.
Signs & Behaviors
A person with an avoidant attachment style may demonstrate some or all of the following behaviors:
Discomfort with intimacy
Inconsistent (pulling away from conversations, canceling plans, ghosting)
Hyper-independent
Side-stepping conflict versus working through issues
Emotionally distant or unavailable
Failure to properly empathize with their partner or others
Struggles to vocalize feelings and thoughts
Conversations seem shallow (leans on small talk, sarcastic jokes, and humor)
Distrustful of others
Unable to consistently be vocally / physically affectionate
Prioritizing work or personal needs above all else (detached)
Prematurely ending romantic relationships
Avoiding intimate relationships altogether
Takeaway
While any gender can have any attachment style, a 2018 study published in the Current Opinion in Psychology journal found that women are more likely to have anxious attachment while men are more likely to have an avoidant style in their relationships.
Related: Why Trust Matters in Your Relationship and How to Build It
How to Identify Avoidant Attachment in Yourself
It’s sometimes challenging to see ourselves clearly, which can make it hard to determine whether you have an avoidant attachment style. Being mindful of the signs of avoidant attachment outlined above is one step. You can also take a look at your past relationships and intimacy patterns for more insight.
“It’s important to do what I call a ‘relationship inventory,’” says Dr. Anderson. “For example, you would want to ask yourself, ‘why are all of my relationships ending?’ and ‘Am I able to express myself openly, honestly and directly in my relationships?’”
You can also take online quizzes to help determine your attachment style (like the one down below), or speak with a therapist to better understand yourself and help break unhealthy patterns.
Take the Attachment Styles Quiz
If you're unsure about your attachment style, this fast and free quiz can help you identify what your thoughts and behaviors may say about your attachment.
The Impact of Avoidant Attachment on Relationships
Having an avoidant attachment makes progressing through normal relationship development difficult. These individuals compulsively distance themselves when they feel intimacy forming, notes Dr. Anderson.
“It's fairly easy to see that avoiding connection, closeness, and intimacy can be detrimental to a relationship. After all, that is fundamentally what any relationship is built on, especially romantic partnerships,” says Dr. Mongo. “A relationship, like any growing thing, must be handled with loving care and be continually nurtured so that it can fully bloom over time.”
He adds that those with an avoidant attachment style will invariably begin to sabotage their relationships; this is a sort of defense mechanism (originating from past experiences) to help them feel emotionally safe. Some may manufacture drama as a way of distancing themselves, or they may slowly disengage, completely ghost, or become emotionally numb within the partnership.
Related: Consider These 9 Things Before Breaking Up With Your Partner
Advice for Managing Relationships With Avoidant Attachment
It’s important for someone with an avoidant attachment to acknowledge their attachment style and the ways it’s keeping them from having fulfilling relationships. From here, they can begin to identify and redirect damaging behavior patterns. Here are some ways to effectively manage a relationship with avoidant attachment.
"With awareness of the avoidant attachment relationship behaviors, people may be able to heal and move towards secure attachment."
Morgan Anderson, Psy. D.
Learn Yourself: One of the best things you can do is learn more about yourself and your attachment style. “With awareness of the avoidant attachment relationship behaviors, people may be able to heal and move towards secure attachment,” says Dr. Anderson.
Push Past Discomfort: Remind yourself that avoidant tendencies stifle connection, and allow yourself to feel a little uncomfortable. Dr. Mongo says to remain attuned to urges to dart, avoid, and disengage, and to instead lean into the discomfort a bit longer.
Practice Expressing Emotions: This feels incredibly scary and unnatural for someone with avoidant attachment, so you don’t need to jump off the deep end. However, expressing your thoughts, feelings, and emotions can help show you that it’s safe and fulfilling to do so with someone you trust.
Rely on Help From Others: “A person with avoidant attachment will gratefully benefit from receiving help,” Dr. Anderson says. “They are likely holding onto past relationship experiences, or past relational trauma.” She recommends seeing a professional, but you can also lean on trusted friends and family.
Avoidant attachment can make it challenging to enjoy fulfilling relationships, but acknowledging behavior patterns, staying in the moment a little bit longer (however uncomfortable), and taking small steps forward can help you enjoy a more secure mindset.
Read Next: What Are the Five Love Languages?
Read the original article on Verywell Mind.
