How to Best Comfort Your Friends and Family Who May Be Upset
With coronavirus bringing racing to a halt, cyclists everywhere are understandably feeling stressed out and lost without races on the calendar anymore.
According to a new study published in the Journal of Communication, it’s crucial to comfort those who are struggling using the right messaging, or else you might risk making the situation worse for them.
The global spread of coronavirus has canceled races, closed gyms and studios, and paused group rides. While it’s necessary now to ride alone and stay inside as much as possible, some of us may be feeling a bit lost or upset right now. Fellow cyclists likely understand the wave of emotions we’re experiencing, but non-cyclist friends and family members—though they’re likely trying their best to empathize—might not quite get it. According to new research, it’s crucial to comfort those who are struggling with the right messaging, or else you might risk making the situation worse for them.
The study, published in the Journal of Communication, surveyed 325 married adults, both men and women, with an average age of 52. Using an online questionnaire, researchers asked them to identify a person with whom they’d discussed their marriage.
Then, participants were asked to imagine having a conversation with that person, describe a recent marital disagreement, and to report their feelings about six different types of support messages—messages or conversations with the intent of helping others who are dealing with stress—their friend or family member may have used in response.
Tough love did not fare well.
Messages that explicitly challenged, criticized, or minimized a person’s feelings—such as “I don’t know why you’re so upset about this,” or “It’s not that big a deal in the greater scheme of things”—actually made people feel more stressed. Same goes for messages about how a person should be feeling and thinking, such as “Just stop being so down about this,” or “You should be grateful,” or “Don’t think about it right now.”
“People may be well-intentioned when they’re trying to provide comfort in this way, but it comes across as insensitive,” lead researcher Xi Tian, Ph.D.(c), a graduate research assistant in the department of Communication Arts and Sciences at Penn State University, told Runner’s World. “This doesn’t reduce emotional distress. In fact, those messages were perceived as dominating and lacking argument strength, and they raised resistance to social support. Participants reported feeling angry after receiving those messages.”
A better way to communicate is what researchers call “person-centered support messages.” That means you’re recognizing the other person’s feelings, providing validation, and helping them explore why they’re feeling this way.
Although the context of the study focuses specifically on marital conflict, it can be applied to other stressors, Tian said. For example, with a cyclist, a person-centered message might be: “It makes sense you’d be upset the race is canceled—you’ve been looking forward to it. That would be hard for anyone.”
[Find 52 weeks of tips and motivation, with space to fill in your mileage and favorite routes, with the Bicycling Training Journal.]
“The findings of this study also have implications or coping with more consequential, non-normative events, such as the death of a loved one and the uncertainty associated with COVID-19,” said Tian. “Essentially, support messages that express sympathy and let people explore and give voice to their feelings and stress would be helpful.”
Although the study didn’t explore the ramifications of different communication strategies —video calls versus text messages, for instance—Andrew High, Ph.D., associate professor of Communication Arts and Sciences at Penn State told Runner’s World that the basic messages we convey for support are consistent across platforms. That said, he emphasized that there are rules to each. For example, expressing comfort or support on a public post on Facebook likely won’t be received in the same way as a direct message.
Still, Tian said that empathetic comfort can do a great deal, no matter how you express it.
“If we can listen and let people talk about their stressful situation, they can find words to describe it, and it might feel more manageable, because at least they will have figured out what is distressing them,” she said.
You Might Also Like