A Body Language Expert Analyzed My Relationship
You know those terribly annoying couples who are always together, flood their social media accounts almost exclusively with photos of each other, and are just, like soooo annoying. Yes, hello, I’m here and it’s so nice to meet you. You’re going to love my boyfriend.
I met my boyfriend Cam seven years ago, and we have been inseparable ever since. We’ve moved from LA to Chicago, back to LA, and now to New York. Along the way, a pug with an attitude problem named Capone joined the gang, and like all millennial couples who date for years and live together, we are constantly asked about marriage. Mom, please stop DMing me pictures of wedding dresses.
And because I’ve taken enough pictures to qualify as what those in the science community call a “significant sample size,” my coworker thought we should ask a professional what all those poses could mean for our relationship. I enlisted the help of Traci Brown, a body language expert, to see if she could see what we could not. Did we have chemistry? Were our minds telling us yes but our bodies telling us no? Were we the poorest of poor man’s versions of Chrissy and John or Kim and Kanye or Meghan and Harry? Ahead, a full analysis of two young pups that are just trying to find love in a hopeless place. (Spoiler: Sadly, the data shows we have nothing in common with Kimye. *Kanye shrug*)
Attached At The Hip
In the words of an expert, and the minds of all, “you two are attached at the hip!” says Brown. “When you look at your hip areas, they're always touching. This area indicates how close a couple is or is not. Touching means you’re really close, and the further apart you get, the more distant in the relationship.” Phew. A big relief. These hips do not lie. Turns out you don’t need a body expert when you have the wise words of Shakira to follow.
Two Peas In A Pod
Eat your heart out, John and Yoko. Brown explained that our proximity in pictures and continual eye contact made us feel more connected and said it was a positive that we appear to focus solely on each other. “There's a true tenderness there,” says Brown. “It's HARD to look someone in the eye at that close of a range because it's super intimate and you can't have any secrets you're wanting to keep.” That’s why Cam’s hair is so big. It’s full of secrets.
Opposites Attract
Not only was Brown a body expert, but she also seemed to be a bit of a fortune teller. “If I had to guess I'd say that you're the extrovert and he's the introvert,” said Brown.
She added, “When we see him, rarely are his arms in the air or outside his body line (they're always around you) and we rarely even see his teeth when he smiles. Could this be Cam’s brooding, hipster ways?" Probably just my narcissism coming through in photo form, as Brown observed. “You're the absolute opposite, making sure everyone in the room knows you're there.” She noted I make sure to still focus on him, and that “it looks like you balance each other out perfectly.” Yin and yang. Opposites attract, people.
So, Are We Going To Last?
For a bit of background, we actually were friends before we were boothangs. But from the pictures above, you can tell someone has a crush. Since we started as friends and now are six years strong, we wanted to see how we’ve changed over the years and how many more of these years we could expect. “Y'all really have something great going on,” says Brown. “You two seem to behave the same way around each other no matter who's taking the picture, You're all about the camera and him and he's Mr. Consistency, less emotional but still all about you!”
Brown kept piling on the good news: “Seems like you’re growing more together than apart.” But then, like clockwork, “When is he going to pop the question?”
Just through our body language Brown did seem to pick up on positives of our relationship that you wouldn’t think people could decipher by a simple Instagram feed scroll. “He wants you to be exactly who you are and supports it,” said Brown. “And that's sometimes rare to find these days.” Amen to that.
Meghan and Harry 4EV3r
As someone who has taken all the “Which celebrity couple are you?” quizzes, I needed answers from an expert. Brown began by ruling out our couple foils. “Here's who you're not like: Kim and Kanye,” said Brown. “He's always behind her when they're posing and she's often in the alpha position (hands on hips), and out in front needing the spotlight. He almost hides behind her.” That was not the case for us. We always seem to stand side by side, which Brown says is “indicative of a mutual, shared power relationship.”
Now for the final point, that has filled my already big head with even more ideas of grandeur. “I'd say that you're a more romantic version of Harry and Meghan,” says Brown. “I think if Meghan didn't have the restrictions on her of being properly royal we'd see her play to the camera lots more!” There you have it. I’m a camera hog who is in LOVE with prince charming. We'll start preparing our Harry and Meghan costumes for Halloween 2018 any day now.
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