My boyfriend broke up with me during the coronavirus pandemic: 'The isolation trapped me alone with me'
March 14 marked one month since my breakup and somehow I dragged myself out of bed and got dressed. My girlfriend Bre had been doing her best to get me out of the house for the last couple of weekends; we had gone to the mall, she did my nails at the shop where she worked and we had even taken a weekend girls’ trip to Cincinnati.
This night was to be a simple dinner with drinks at a Mexican restaurant, but its purpose was no different: to revel in the company of a friend and support system while also taking my mind off my pain, if only for a little while. I didn’t want to talk her head off about my ex like I had done so many times before, so I did my best to talk about other things, like future trips (we were planning on flying to Atlanta in April), our shopping habit and how normal our hometown of Cleveland seemed in spite of the coronavirus crisis getting more serious every day.
The restaurant was still packed with smiling people who did not appear bothered by what was going on in the world. I found myself unsure of the seriousness of the virus, but I was very eager to use my hand sanitizer after we sat down at our table. We enjoyed fun conversation, custom tacos and specialty cocktails; it felt great to be talking about other things besides my breakup. But when I got home, the thoughts came flooding back and the heartache was once again in the foreground.
The next day, Ohio Governor Mike DeWine announced the banning of dining-in at restaurants across the state due to the ever-growing spread of coronavirus. Stores began closing their doors, as well as cafes and the Cleveland Museum of Art — places where I liked to go to get work done as well as enjoy a change in scenery. Pretty soon, there was nowhere else to go but inside my own head.
And while the world was afraid of what was happening with the pandemic, I was afraid of facing a future without my ex, a future that seemed impossible to imagine.
My breakup happened suddenly.
I saw signs that something had changed in his heart, but I was hoping that maybe I was paranoid or that maybe it was something that would just pass. I tried the best I could to be the supportive girlfriend while I navigated my new job at Verizon Media and while he navigated his new job, which happened to be more than two hours away.
We had been together for almost two years. When he lived just 20 minutes away, we were together almost every day; we would watch classic horror films, listen to mostly ‘80s rock and go to wrestling matches and skateparks. We laughed at stupid things and felt like we could truly be ourselves around each other, so he was not only my boyfriend, he was my best friend and became a part of my family. We traveled together and we were there for each other during tough times, which made our bond even stronger, so when he moved away, I was more than ready to take on whatever a long-distance relationship would bring because I knew that he was who I wanted to be with.
But love cannot be one-sided and after one and a half years, the relationship was over.
As someone with a history of depression, my first course of action after the breakup was to make sure I had access to professional help. I had been going to the same therapist for over five years, but I could only see her about twice a month (with the visits being virtual) and, so through a mental health app, I paid for another therapist that I could talk with every day. And this therapist, upon watching the tearful video I sent her, recommended that I take some time away from him by ceasing all communication, which I could not even imagine doing since he and I had literally talked every day for well over a year. She also suggested I pack memories of him in a box so it was out of sight for a while.
Then all of a sudden, the stay-home-order was put into effect and my healing journey became a lot more complicated.
I have had my fair share of heartbreak, but I knew that this time around would be different, considering the circumstances. During my last breakup a few years ago, I spent a lot of time crying in bed and on the couch, but I was also able to go out with friends and family members, and I even went on several dates with different guys. It took some time, but the combination of self-isolation and forcing myself to go out to have fun helped me to see that ex for who he truly was. That was huge for my healing journey.
Because of quarantine, I, like many others, have been faced with the forced isolation that has been both a gift and a curse. I have spent many days inside with my little sister, whose school year was cut short, falling apart, not leaving my room and letting it become a complete mess, doing work in bed and barely eating or caring about basic self-care needs. On weekends, when I would usually be shopping or hanging out with friends, I found myself alone, even though I live with three other people. While my mom was at work, I craved her company and conversation, and things that used to bring me joy before — things like writing, reading and binge-watching Netflix — didn’t make me happy anymore.
It was a lonely time and quarantine made me feel even more stuck.
Dr. Shelia Addison, who specializes in couple and family therapy, tells Yahoo Life that those who are going through their own struggles outside of the pandemic may find this time especially challenging.
“I think any time that you are in some kind of mass crisis, whether it’s something like Hurricane Katrina or Hurricane Sandy, or the tornadoes that just happened in the Midwest and South, and then you’re also experiencing your own personal crisis, it’s very hard because not only are you dealing with multiple levels of pain, suffering, uncertainty and anguish but ... it’s very hard as the individual to feel entitled to kind of focus on your own personal tragedy,” Addison says.
“The loss of an intimate partner that you spend a great deal of your social time with, even if you don’t live with them, someone you turn to for emotional support in a difficult time and then having lost that person, this is just a normal pain, except now you can’t turn to them and now you don’t have them for support during the bigger crisis,” Addison says. “The really diabolical thing about this quarantine is that this then cuts [people] off further from whoever they would turn to for support in the event of something like a breakup.”
She also added that during a breakup, many people tend to throw themselves into their work, but during the pandemic, work has also become a place of fear and anxiety for many, including essential workers and people who experience “Zoom-fatigue.”
Recently, I realized I wasn’t getting better. While I still had virtual visits with my therapist, I still missed my ex and I worried about him because the coronavirus cases in the city he lives in were some of the highest in the country. I wanted to call to check up on him, but I realized the dynamic of our relationship had changed and it was no longer simply about picking up the phone to talk with him; it was about how the call was going to make me feel.
The isolation trapped me alone with me. I had to look myself in the eyes and ask questions I had avoided for so many years:
“Why do I continue to put everyone else’s feelings before mine?”
“Why am I afraid to lose someone that is not afraid to lose me?”
“What has stopped me from loving myself?”
I had to sit and answer these questions without having the ability to shop my troubles away or escape myself by running to another city, and I could not go to a bar looking for validation from other men.
I needed to validate myself for me.
I finally got on antidepressants, which helped me think more logically. Over time, I began prioritizing my self-care again, I signed up to have a coach help me on my fitness and self-love journey, I finished three books and slowly began doing things that made me happy before all of this happened.
There was nowhere to run nor hide, and today, I am more than grateful.
Actress Lena Horne said, “It’s not the weight that breaks you down, it’s the way you carry it.” This isolation has helped me realize I was carrying a burden the wrong way. People are not going to emerge from this quarantine completely healed and baggage-free, and that is alright. We are all still on a journey, the only thing we can do is keep moving forward.
Addison suggests several ways people can help themselves feel better, including reaching out for support whether it be through phone or video calls, scheduling a virtual happy hour with friends or family, making use of crisis support lines, joining online support groups and investing in a virtual therapist and mindfully setting aside time to be kind to themselves.
She also wants people going through heartbreak to know that the most important thing to keep in mind is that this hurt will not be there forever.
“Nothing ever stays the same,” she notes. “I think one of the hardest things about grief and pain and depression and fear, is that those emotions have a way of convincing us ‘you’re gonna feel like this forever and it’s gonna go on and on.’ But actually, if you practice coming back into the present instead of dwelling on the future, or dwelling in the past you start to notice like, ‘maybe I felt bad a lot today, but there was that ... whole hour when I really didn’t think about the breakup.’ So actually, thoughts and feelings change all the time and grief, especially acute grief, never goes completely away, but it does change.”
Get general information on mental health and locate treatment services in your area. Contact Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration Treatment Referral Helpline at 1-877-SAMHSA7 (1-877-726-4727). Speak to a live person, Monday through Friday from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. ET.
For the latest coronavirus news and updates, follow along at https://news.yahoo.com/coronavirus. According to experts, people over 60 and those who are immunocompromised continue to be the most at risk. If you have questions, please reference the CDC and WHO’s resource guides.
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