These women went through a pregnancy and a breakup around the same time: 'I felt like I was stuck'

Not many pregnancy announcements go along the lines of "we're having a baby — and splitting up," but it does happen. North Carolina mom Cherryl Kellam knows all too well the rollercoaster of emotions that can arise during this complex situation.

“You think you’re alone and no one has been through this,” the mom of three says. “It’s not something that is very openly talked about.”

Kellam found out she was pregnant with her third daughter, now 2, when she went to a doctor’s appointment to get birth control. The doctor informed her that she was already several months along in the pregnancy.

It was a total shock to Kellam, who had recently split from her partner, with whom she also shared her middle child. There was a lot of heartbreak and back and forth, but Kellam ultimately decided going through the pregnancy without a partner by her side was the best decision.

“It was very sad and lonely and I was very, very hurt,” Kellam tells Yahoo Life. “I have a really big family and they were really supportive, but it’s just not the same as having someone every day with you.”

Jenna, a single mom who lives in Santa Fe, N.M., can relate. She was six months pregnant with her first child when she got an anonymous email containing pictures of her then-boyfriend in a compromising position with another woman. In complete shock, Jenna, who asked that her full name not be used, sat on the information for several days before acting.

“I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, and I didn’t know if I could handle the fallout,” she tells Yahoo Life. When she eventually confronted her boyfriend, he denied cheating, then wrote it off as a one-time affair. As more details about his indiscretions surfaced, Jenna’s friends and family pressed her to leave her him, regardless of the pregnancy. Two friends approached her about the possibility of giving the baby up for adoption.

“I felt like I was stuck,” Jenna says. “Everyone was telling me what I needed to do, but I was crushed and couldn’t do anything. I thought I was with the man of my dreams and we were going to have this perfect, little baby together. I knew what he did was wrong and I didn’t deserve it, but I wanted to believe it wouldn’t happen again and my fairytale would continue.”

The infidelity carried on, however, and about a month before Jenna’s due date she moved in with her sister. She spent the last few weeks of her pregnancy at home as much as possible, not wanting to be around people.

"At the end of my pregnancy I didn’t want to have to tell people details, that I was going through this alone," she says.

She called her ex-boyfriend when it was time to go to the hospital and deliver the baby. He eventually showed up and was there for the birth, but left a few hours later.

“It sucked, that’s for sure,” she says. “Is it what I wanted? Absolutely not. But I knew I couldn’t stay with someone who treated me like that.”

How to cope during this difficult time

Meagan Norris, a certified life coach specializing in divorce and impasse, tells her clients, who are mostly women, that they can become the CEO of their life because of what they’re going through, not in spite of it. Yes, all the feelings will come to the surface, but she says that’s a good thing.

“In order to thrive through it, we have to feel our feelings,” Norris says. “We start to build an emotional resilience that we can do anything. If you’re pregnant and leaving a relationship you have to move forward with your head in the game.”

Doing so means being willing to fail, asking for help and receiving help without feeling guilty. Strategic decisions about life also need to be made, whether that means being educated on finances, making housing plans or adjusting work schedules.

“What is the alternative? To feel sorry for yourself?” Norris asks.

Terry Gaspard, a licensed clinical social worker with a private practice in Rhode Island, says that a grieving period is also expected and needed, especially considering that pregnancy hormones may make emotional states more fragile to begin with.

"While crying is therapeutic and stress-relieving, it's also a good idea for the pregnant mom going through a [breakup] to distract herself with positive activities, like fixing up her baby's room,” Gaspard tells Yahoo Life. “She needs to avoid feeling like a victim and also strive to surround herself with uplifting people to get social support.”

That support can come from family and friends, but there are also options such as religious organizations or even Facebook groups for single parents. Realizing breakups in pregnancy happen more often than people think may help soften the shock of the situation.

Two years removed from her breakup, Kellam says it's clear that she made the right decision for her and her girls.

“It’s so much better to do it alone than to struggle with someone who is mean to you or doesn’t love you or will stress you out,” she says. “I think more woman need to understand it’s better to just do it by yourself.”

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