‘As a Caregiver, Here's What My Daily Self-Care Practice Actually Looked Like’

Sometimes, when I had a stressful call with my dad, I ate a piece of chocolate to add quick joy to my day.

Laura Smothers-Chu is a Certified Senior Advisor and Certified Dementia Practitioner. She is also the creator and founder of Befriended Heart, a for-purpose business, where she specializes in working with long-distance caregivers for people with dementia. Laura started her business after continuing to find little to no support or resources specific to long-distance caregivers, and she intends to start filling that gap. In this article, she shares in her own words what it’s like to be a long-distance caregiver and how she prioritizes self-care in her own life on the dementia journey. She still continues to use many of these self-care practices even after her journey has ended.

I was 28 years old when my father was diagnosed with dementia. It came as a shock. Everyone else my age was focused on advancing in their careers or getting married; none of my friends were going through something similar. What made matters worse was that I lived almost four hours away from my parents.

After the diagnosis, I started Googling around for resources for long-distance caregivers. What I found was…not much. The fact is that the majority of resources available for caregivers are focused on hands-on caregivers, who live with the person who needs help. The only advice I found for caregivers who lived outside of the home was to help financially if possible and to help with errands. That wasn't helpful when I lived hours away, and I was barely making it on my own financially, living in the nation's capital. My Google search also came up short when finding support groups specific to long-distance caregivers.

Being a caregiver who lives with a person needing help is immensely challenging. There’s no doubt about that. But being a long-distance caregiver—which I define as someone who lives outside the home of the person who needs help—is challenging in its own ways too. Often, there’s a sense of guilt and helplessness. In both instances, caregiving can be emotionally draining.

Related: From Journaling to Taking Time Off, Here Are 15 Habits Happy Caregivers Swear By

When my dad was first diagnosed several years ago, I started educating myself as much about dementia as possible. That way, I could know what to expect in terms of what his symptoms might look like down the road. My knowledge became key in terms of planning for the future and navigating crises as they came up, especially since my mom was not yet ready to accept my dad’s diagnosis.

Besides doing this research, I called home regularly to talk to my parents and visited when I could (always during the holidays). When a parent has dementia, phone calls can be emotionally difficult. For example, on a phone call one day, my dad stopped using a long-time affectionate nickname for me, and that loss was really hard.

Ten years ago, I didn’t really understand the importance of self-care. Now, it’s a regular part of my life and day. Everyone’s self-care journey is different, and what works for me may not be what works for you. But if something I did inspires you to try it, that’s great. What’s important is to start somewhere; we all need self-care.

Related: Caregiving 101: Prepare Now to Care for Aging Parents

The Self-Care I Did Every Day

Every morning, I learned to start the day with a grounding meditation to set my mindset. I did this by checking in with all my emotions. I asked myself: What are the emotions I’m feeling right now? How do those emotions feel in my body? Then, I held the emotions of compassion and acceptance. I ended my meditation by saying, “Laura, I love you and I hope you have a wonderful day.”

I find that grounding myself every morning still helps me, even after my dad passed away. I've realized that if you’re in a bad mood, everything is just so much harder. In the past, before I learned to ground myself, I might have become impatient with my dad or had a hard time listening to my mom about something she was struggling with. But taking a few minutes to set my mindset for the day led to me being a much more patient, compassionate caregiver.

I did this same grounding exercise before I called my parents too. It helped me to enter the conversations from a calm place, instead of one where I felt anxious or upset.

If possible, I also tried to find time to move my body. Exercise was huge for me in terms of self-care. Personally, I love to swim. Going down to the community center and swimming laps helped calm my mind. I also really like yoga, which was another great way for me to calm both my mind and body. The secret for me was doing exercise activities that I actually enjoyed, and not exercise I felt I "should do."

Some days, the only physical activity I had time for was going on a walk outside. Being in nature really helped my mindset. I also made a point not to listen to music when I walked. Instead, I paid attention to the sounds around me, the breeze on my skin and the greenery. The different seasons helped me appreciate the beautiful ways in which nature changes. It was a reminder that whatever was going on in my life at the time wasn't going to last forever. Sometimes, I really needed that reminder.

I also found that nourishing myself through what I ate was also a powerful form of self-care. I tried to eat foods that wouldn't cause inflammation because I knew that inflammatory foods could increase my own body's risk for dementia. But I also didn't drive myself crazy trying to eat only nutrient-rich foods—keeping my joy in food was important too. Sometimes, when I had a stressful call with my dad, I ate a piece of chocolate to add quick joy to my day.

Related: What Is Self-Care? And the Most Practical, Enjoyable Ideas for Weaving It Into Your Life 

Who I Turned To for Emotional Support

If you’re a caregiver, having a support system is key. For me, taking the time to see my friends was super important for my emotional health. Most of the time, when I met with friends, we didn't talk solely about my dad. Instead, we laughed and talked about other things. It was important for me not to feel guilty about experiencing joy in my own life. Continuing to have fun life experiences with my friends was so important. Another game-changer for me in my support system was that I started to see a therapist on a regular basis.

When it came to support groups, I could only find one local to me. I was worried I'd be the only long-distance caregiver in the group, and that my feelings wouldn't be as valid as everyone else's. I had definitely noticed that feeling before. But when I was the only one who showed up at this support group, the group leader and I talked directly about being a long-distance caregiver and the ways I could help. I kept going week after week, each time being the only person who showed up. These days, it's still super hard to find tailored support groups for long-distance caregivers—I was lucky to find someone who could give me personalized guidance.

My boyfriend (now husband) was another important person in my life that I leaned on when caregiving. He and I were only just beginning to date when my dad was first diagnosed, so I opened up to him about my dad slowly, over time. As my boyfriend, and later fiance, he came with me to visit my parents, and listened to my sadness or concerns after challenging phone calls or visits. But one of the advantages of being a long-distance caregiver was that I could emotionally disconnect from the day-to-day dementia challenges. I learned over time that this disconnect is important—it was important for my survival and the well-being of my relationship with my family and my boyfriend.

Whether you are a caregiver in the home or living long-distance, self-care is so important. If you are a caregiver in the home, it’s more challenging to put it into practice. You might not be able to leave the person you are caring for alone, even for a short time. If this is the case, lean on your support system. So often, people want to help but they don’t know how. Everyone who has asked you, “How can I help?”—maybe a specific way they can help is by coming over and sitting with your partner or parent while you take a shower or go for a walk. Don’t be afraid to ask!

Part of being a caregiver is providing the best care you can for yourself (just like your loved ones would do for you). Prioritizing our well-being along with our loved one's health may not come naturally, but it’s important. And you know what else? I learned it will make you a better caregiver too.

Next up, here are 156 self-care ideas to consider incorporating into your own life.