What your coffee choice says about you
In January Emilie is prom queen. She is sooooo popular at this time of year. Folk can’t get enough of her. She is a rock star. She’s the Meghan Markle of north London. She’s busier, in January, than any personal trainer. Why? Because she doesn’t drink.
You laugh: surely people who never drink are never frantic (apart from all the yoga and group hugs) because no one ever wants to hang out with them? Except when everyone is doing dry January. And then it’s non-stop parties. All of which end at 10pm.
After a quiet, wholesome New Year’s Day, her phone begins to ping. ‘Hey, what you doing this Saturday night? Fancy a film?’ ‘Hey, we should have you over because, you know, we are doing dry January and you don’t drink.’ ‘Hey, what are you doing right now? Be great to just be cosy. I can come now. Shall I come now?’
In general, why waste a perfectly good drinking night on anyone sober, but when you’re looking down the empty barrel of January, suddenly…
Annabel is experimenting with her coffee dosage. Just to see how hardcore she is. This January her only mood-altering substance is coffee
Annabel, however, is a drinker doing dry January. And so she is looking for kicks. Thrills. Adrenalin spikes. She’s experimenting with being incredibly honest with everyone, which, now and then, turns into ‘a happening’. So that’s a thing. It’s not a tequila, but it’s a thing. La, la, la, la… Oh, and she’s doing some proper MI6 Google-stalking. And she’s constantly trying to get dates in the diary for early suppers with Emilie but, maddeningly, Emilie is super booked-up at the moment.
In fact, Emilie is really hot right now. So Annabel is experimenting with her coffee dosage. Just to see how hardcore she is. What she can take. This January her only mood-altering substance is coffee. And, it turns out, coffee says a lot about a person…
WHAT YOUR COFFEE SAYS ABOUT YOU
Flat white
You drive in the slow lane of the motorway and like listening to audiobooks of Philip Roth novels. You are secretly obsessed with The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and talk about your shrink more than you talk about your children.
Cappuccino
You used to have a perm and live off Cherry Coke, Caramacs and casual sex. Now you search out pictures of pergolas and gypsy caravans to stick on your Pinterest board.
Soya latte
You have a short temper, are brilliant at skiing and can speak five languages. You get on incredibly well with your father, and your husband is terrified of you. You don’t own a television and you swear like a builder.
Decaf
You like giving people handmade presents – goat’s-milk soap, tea-tin candles, handkerchiefs embroidered with witty things. You only watch black and white films and you only have black and white photos in your house. You’re still friends with everyone you’ve ever slept with.
Caramel Frappuccino with whipped cream
You like telling people your dreams, and you believe crop circles are the result of alien activity. You feel sad when it snows and manic when it’s windy. You took hallucinogenic drugs when you were at university and sometimes you can still see that giant white rabbit wearing a cape in the herb aisle at Waitrose.
Espresso
Remember that time you gave up coffee and as a result your husband left you, your mother told you never to call her again, you made a traffic warden cry, all your plants died and your cat ran away and was never found? They’re all trying to forget it too.
Black filter coffee
You wear leopard-print leggings to yoga and you’ve had a pension plan since you were 19. You dye your hair a completely different colour once a year and you smoke rollies. Terrible cook. Brilliant at Backgammon.
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