When It Comes to Friendship Breakups, ‘Silence Comes at a Price’—How To Tell if You Should Fight for It or Let It Go
When someone is going through a breakup, it’s expected that they’ll need some support. Maybe you’ve been there for a newly single friend by bringing over ice cream and wine. Maybe you’ve dragged them out of the house for a fun night out. Or maybe you been able to lend a sympathetic ear while they talked on (and on) about their ex. When a romantic relationship ends, most people know they can count on their friends to help get them through it.
But what if the breakup wasn’t with a romantic partner? What if it was a friendship breakup? Friend breakups aren’t talked about as much as romantic breakups, but they can be just as painful to go through, perhaps even more so. “I’ve had so many women tell me that they’ve gone through friend breakups that were harder than their divorces or romantic breakups,” says Laura Tremaine, author of The Life Council: 10 Friends Every Woman Needs and host of the podcast 10 Things To Tell You.
Tremaine has talked with countless people about friendship and she says that virtually everyone she’s talked to has been through a friend breakup. Despite this, it’s an experience that’s rarely talked about. Tremaine says that some people feel shame that a friendship didn’t work out. Others don’t want to be seen as dramatic so they don’t talk about it. But silence comes at a price, often making going through a friendship breakup a lonely experience since, like romantic breakups, a friendship breakup can deeply affect one’s mental health.
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How To Know If a Friendship Is Worth Fighting for—and When to Let It Go
At the beginning of her book, The Life Council, Tremaine shares a time when she was on the brink of a friendship breakup with one of her closest friends. Their relationship was on life support and they decided to talk about it. “I went into that conversation thinking there was a 50/50 chance of the friendship surviving,” she says. The conversation was uncomfortable and awkward. But ultimately, the two mended their relationship and made the conscious decision to continue being friends.
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Ask Yourself Important Questions
While Tremaine isn’t a psychologist or therapist, she has talked a lot with people about how to know whether or not a friendship is worth fighting for—uncomfortable conversations and all. “You have to decide for yourself, do I let this relationship go with love or do I fight for it?” she says. “Does the idea of not having that person in your life fill you with relief or grief?” For the friend she wrote about in the book, Tremaine says she literally couldn’t imagine her life without her friend in it, which is how she knew the relationship was worth fighting for.
Of course, sometimes you don’t have a choice in the matter; a friendship can end because one person decides it should. Half of Americans have been on the receiving end of a friend breakup. In both situations, the breakup can affect mental health. “So many [people] have had this experience and have felt really sad about it,” Tremaine says.
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How To Deal If You’re Going Through a Friendship Breakup
It's not fun, but here are some steps that will help make the process easier.
Normalize the Conversation
When it comes to coping with a friendship breakup, Tremaine says first, it would be helpful for everyone to normalize the conversation. That way, it feels less isolating or like a moral failure—which it isn’t. “It’s important to share your friend breakup stories so other people know that they aren’t the only one,” she says.
Share Your Feelings With Someone
When she has gone through hard times in a friendship, Tremaine says that what has helped her in the past is talking with her husband, therapist and other friends who don’t know the person she is going through the rough patch with. She says that she also found journaling helpful.
Accept That It Might Take Time To Heal
As with romantic breakups, Tremaine says that time helps too. “I remember being in Target once and seeing something that reminded me of a friend I’d had a friendship breakup with. The breakup was really hard for me and for a long time, I didn’t want any reminders of the friend. But that day in Target was the first time I could look at something and appreciate in a healthy way that it reminded me of her,” Tremaine shares. She emphasizes that this didn’t happen overnight or even two months after the breakup, but eventually she did get to a place of healing.
Give Yourself Space To Grieve
Some friendships last a lifetime. Some don’t and that’s okay. If you are going through a friend breakup, Tremaine says that what’s most important is to give yourself space to grieve and heal, just as you would if a romantic relationship ended. After all, it’s important to be a good friend to yourself too.
Next up, check out these 100 questions to ask your friends that will deepen your friendship bond.
Sources
Laura Tremaine, author of The Life Council: 10 Friends Every Woman Needs and host of the podcast 10 Things To Tell You
Two-thirds of Americans say they've ended a friendship. YouGov.