Controversial 'Commando Parenting' Is Trending—Here's What Psychologists Have To Say About Its Impact on Children

Stephanie Osmanski

February 15, 2023 at 8:00 AM·12 min read

There's no shortage of parenting styles but what exactly is 'commando parenting'?

If you look up the controversial parenting style "commando parenting," you'll turn up a few quotes from Dr. Phil circa the early 2000s. Outdated as those search results are, they're also misleading in the sense that commando parenting is trending right now. More parents are getting curious about it and as such, commando parenting is seeing a sort of resurgence.

Parade reached out to Dr. Jessica Stern, a developmental psychologist at the University of Virginia, who teaches child development, parenting and parent-child relationships.

"As with most forms of extreme parenting, so-called 'commando' parenting focuses all the attention on a single aspect of raising a child: managing 'bad' behavior," Dr. Stern explains. "This is another way of saying parents are keen to control their children, through whatever means necessary. It ignores the fact that children are human beings with their own minds, preferences, desires and emotions," Dr. Stern adds.

Do you have questions about commando parenting? Keep reading to see what the experts have to say about how commando parenting affects children.

What is commando parenting?

When it comes to commando parenting, there are a few consistent phrases that keep popping up: entitled, getting your child to do anything, and perhaps most notably of all, whatever means necessary.

All three perfectly encapsulate the main idea of commando parenting: in parenting, there is a goal, a goal that must be accomplished—no matter what.

"Commando parenting is a strategy originally proposed by Dr. Phil (back in 2004-2005) for dealing with children's unwanted or 'entitled' behavior using an extreme form of behaviorism," Dr. Stern explains. "The commando parenting mentality is to 'do whatever it takes,' 'never back down,' and get kids to change their behavior 'by whatever means necessary.'"

It's defined by one core concept: stripping a child's room. A commando parent strips the child's room of everything but the essentials; each "extra" item must be earned back through good behavior.

"Commando parenting refers to a parenting style characterized by strict control and strict enforcement of rules and expectations," Michelle Giordano, community counselor and outreach specialist at Live Another Day, tells Parade. "A parent takes everything out of the child's room. Take everything they cherish and enjoy away—this includes all trinkets, amusement and games. Take everything out of their bedroom but a mattress, a blanket and a pillow."

Giordano adds, "This approach often involves a high degree of structure, micromanagement, and an emphasis on achievement, obedience and compliance."

In order to understand commando parenting's origins, consider the bigger picture.

"Commando parenting is the latest in a long line of parenting fads that recommend extreme forms of discipline," Dr. Stern tells Parade. "In the early 1900s, John Watson infamously advised parents to foster independence in their young children this way: 'Never hug and kiss them, never let them sit on your lap. If you must, kiss them once on the forehead when they say good night. Shake hands with them in the morning.'"

Fast forward to 2023, and that's hardly the recommended parenting practice of today's modern generation.

"Decades of research in the field of child development has shown that Watson was dead wrong. Children need social interaction—including touch—for everything from healthy physical growth to good social skills," Dr. Stern explains.

Watson's words left an impact and in their wake, a slew of parenting styles formed—some more detached than others.

Commando parenting pros

Consistent rewards and punishments equate to understanding expectations

"There are some benefits of behavioral strategies, such as using rewards and punishments to shape children's behavior, and consistency is key," Dr. Stern says. "Taking away privileges when kids misbehave can be effective if it's paired with understanding and reasoning with your child."

Giordano adds, "By rewarding good behavior, commando parents can reinforce the importance of rules and expectations and help children to internalize these values."

Establishes boundaries and provides structure

"[One pro] of commando parenting is clear boundaries," Giordano explains. "It provides clear boundaries and expectations, which help children establish a sense of stability."

Privileges are earned back

"Having children 'earn' back privileges through positive behavior can also be effective," Dr. Stern says, "But note that a child should never have to 'earn' your love as a parent."

Giordano agrees, adding, "Commando parents may use positive reinforcement, such as praise, recognition and rewards, to encourage children to follow rules and exhibit good behavior."

Fosters discipline through responsibility

"Commando parenting helps instill discipline and responsibility to children," Giordano adds. "By rewarding good behavior, commando parents can encourage children to comply with rules and expectations, and to avoid negative or rule-breaking behavior."

Commando parenting cons

Can negatively impact relationships

"Children raised in this type of environment may feel that they're not allowed to make mistakes or express themselves freely, which can negatively impact their sense of self and their ability to form healthy relationships," Giordano explains.

Can lower self-esteem and cause mental health issues

"The concerns with commando parenting include the potential for high levels of stress and anxiety in children, as well as the potential for harm to their self-esteem and sense of autonomy," Giordano explains.

Dr. Stern adds, "Extreme punishment (for example, harsh physical discipline) has also been linked to mental health problems later in life, including substance use, anxiety and depression."

Promotes secretive behavior and a catch-me-if-you-can mentality

"Kids do what their parents want when they're watching, but don't internalize the message and often revert to old patterns when the rewards stop coming, or when no one's there to 'catch' the bad behavior," Giordano explains.

Does not hone emotional skillset and reflects a dynamic built on power

"[Kids] don't just learn the lesson you tell them ('if you don't do your homework, I'm taking away all the toys from your room'), they learn HOW adults behave," Dr. Stern says. "When you discipline, you are modeling how to negotiate power, manage emotion, resolve conflict and be in a relationship."

Dr. Stern adds, "Commando parenting models using power to control another person, inflicting emotional pain on others when you're upset, resolving conflict through force rather than negotiation, and sacrificing good relationships to do 'whatever it takes' to get your way. Don't be surprised if your child imitates the behavior they experience from you—with their siblings and with peers at school."

Is commando parenting effective?

It depends on how you define "effective."

Dr. Stern explains, "Importantly, there is no scientific basis for commando parenting, no evidence base to show that it works, and zero endorsements of these practices by most pediatricians, psychologists and child development professionals."

While different parenting styles work for some and not others, commando parenting undoubtedly comes with its own set of potential risks.

"Yes, some aspects of behavioral approaches do work," Dr. Stern says. "Many children are motivated by rewards and (reasonable) punishments such as time-outs or taking away screen time and other privileges, but extreme forms of punishment and external incentives often backfire, or work only in the short-term."

"Going overboard with behavioral strategies by withholding affection or social interaction is not good for children's development," Dr. Stern says. "In my professional opinion, commando parenting is likely too extreme to be effective—but having consistent ways of reinforcing behavior is certainly useful. Children should be able to predict the likely outcome of their behavior from experiences of consistent discipline."

What effect does commando parenting have on children?

"The impact of commando parenting on children can be negative," Giordano says. "Research suggests that children raised in strict, controlling environments are more likely to struggle with anxiety and depression, and may also have lower levels of resilience and coping skills. They may also have difficulty forming healthy relationships and may struggle to assert their independence and establish their own identities."

Giordano acknowledges that commando parents may notice some positive changes—at least in the beginning. Those "improvements" are usually short-lived.

"There are few, if any, benefits of commando parenting," Giordano explains. "[These would] include short-term gains in terms of obedience and achievement. However, it can have long-term negative effects on a child's mental and emotional well-being."

What are alternative parenting styles to consider?

There are all kinds of parenting styles, but most professionals endorse more flexible styles that focus on support, independence and empathy.

"Other recommended alternatives to commando parenting include more supportive, nurturing parenting styles that emphasize connection, collaboration and self-expression," Giordano says. "This can involve allowing children to make mistakes, encouraging open communication and self-reflection, and fostering a supportive and nurturing environment that helps children develop their sense of self and feel secure in their relationships."

According to Giordano, these options include permissive parenting (characterized by a lack of structure and focus on support and acceptance) and attachment parenting (characterized by meeting a child's emotional needs).

How to react to entitlement

Many parents come to the concepts associated with commando parenting after dealing with a child exemplifying entitlement. Since it's such a drastic approach, it's often considered a last resort. But there are other ways—more effective ways—to handle entitlement.

It may not be your initial reaction, but redirecting expressions of entitlement can help a child develop a more well-rounded sense of the world rather than just their own individual bubble.

"Shifting children's attention away from themselves (and their own wants) and toward the needs of others is a powerful way to reduce the sense of entitlement and cultivate empathy, compassion and an ethic of service," Dr. Stern says. "Most children show intrinsic motivation to be helpful in some small way, and this can be channeled to make acts of service a habit that focuses attention on others."

How to react to tantrums

As Dr. Stern put it, parenting is also modeling. How you parent intrinsically shows a child (or models to a child) how adults act. You're showing them what's appropriate behavior.

"The number one thing parents can do in the face of a tantrum is to be a calm presence," Dr. Stern recommends. "Your kid's brain can't listen to logic or reason when they're overwhelmed by big emotions and their brain hasn't developed the connections to be able to calm down by themselves. Kids need YOU to be an 'external prefrontal cortex' to help 'co-regulate' strong emotions."

This can look like kneeling to your child's level, speaking calmly, acknowledging their frustration and using physical touch to soothe the physiological reactions.

"Be firm in setting boundaries to ensure that they don't harm themselves or others," Dr. Stern adds. "Avoid escalating the situation through threats, humiliation or your own distress. Remember: you and your child are on the same team. Ultimately, you both want to have a good relationship, more frequent positive interactions, fewer fights and power struggles, and fewer meltdowns."

How to encourage children to follow the rules

So, what's the age-old secret to raising a child who follows the rules? The answer involves good old explanations and reasoning.

"If you set a rule, explain to your child why the rule is there in the first place. If they understand the why—not just 'because I said so' but 'because running into the street is dangerous and we want everyone in this family to be safe'—kids are more likely to buy into the rule and internalize it," Dr. Stern suggests.

"Let the rule become a value that they share with you, not a line they have to tiptoe around. For older kids and teens, some rules might be negotiable. Kids who play an active role in setting rules for themselves (e.g., 'I don't want to use my phone after 8 p.m.') can be empowered to learn self-control, a valuable skill as they gain independence and enter adulthood."

The key here is that the child has the option—therefore the ability—to find their own behavior rewarding.

"When kids can tune in to an inner reward (their own pride or enjoyment) or a social reward (spending quality time with you), this can be a powerful way to encourage and sustain following the rules," Dr. Stern adds.

Ultimately, it comes down to setting a good example by showing your children how to act and deepening your relationship with them by treating them as you would anyone else you love.

"Want your kid's buy-in? Treat them like a full human being," Dr. Stern explains. "This starts with cultivating a trusting relationship with your child. When your child feels confident in their caregiver's support—when they develop a 'secure attachment'— they're less likely to act out, they're more likely to comply with parents' requests, they're better able to manage strong emotions and calm down more quickly after being upset, and they're more likely to develop strong social skills like empathy, helpfulness and self-control."

Next up, what is gentle parenting?

Sources

Dr. Jessica Stern, developmental psychologist at the University of Virginia
Michelle Giordano, community counselor and outreach specialist at Live Another Day
American Psychological Association: John B. Watson's Advice on Child Rearing: Some Historical Context.
Bowlby, John. 'Attachment and Loss: Vol 1: Attachment.'
Ref. The strength of the causal evidence against physical punishment of children and its implications for parents, psychologists, and policymakers.
Cassidy & Shaver, 2016: Handbook of Attachment, Third Edition: Theory, Research, and Clinical Applications.

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