‘Cooking with Mariah’ Is the One Video You Must Watch Today

Funny or Die is delighting haters of precious cooking segments everywhere with its video “Cooking with Mariah Carey.”

While viewers might think they’re about to get a useful video on how to make Frito Pie, they are getting anything but. There is no recipe, the dish they prepare looks disgusting, and more time is spent fixing Mariah’s hair than actual dish.

The segment kicks off with an intro shot that shows an assistant fixing her hair. We see Mariah and her cohost Bryan Safi wearing blue surgical gloves to keep their hands clean (because cooking is, as she says, “disgusting”) as she slathers ingredients — Fritos, a white substance that might be sour cream, and olive oil  — into a pie plate.

Watch the full Funny or Die video here.

She begins to tell the story of a former lover named Frito (or Fredo?) who was name-checked in her song Infinity (the lyric, and inspiration for the recipe, is “Boy, you acted so corny like Fritos.”)

Mariah interrupts her story so she can fix her hair: “I don’t want to get it in the pie.” She subsequently steps away from the camera and gives herself two major hair flips, and returns, picking up to tell us about Frito without skipping a beat (he stole her car, allegedly).

She tops the Fritos, sour cream, and olive oil with iceberg lettuce. There’s a short interlude where she and her cohost Bryan sing her top hits, swapping “Fredo” into the lyrics (“Hey Frito, come rescue me!”). Then, another break to fix her hair.

Back to the Frito Pie, tomatoes and M&Ms are being sprinkled on top, along with a few dashes of what looks like a white sangria. Film director Bruce Ratner appears on set, grabs a handful of the gross concoction and shoves it in his face before spitting it out.

There are three helpful tips in the video that will certainly be handy to home cooks everywhere:

Step 1: Put your Fritos into a pie plate.

Step 2: Wear a big a diamond ring.

Step 3: Feed Your Celebrity Friend

The video ends after her fake ex-lover comes on set, and Bryan shoves the Frito Pie in his face. Mariah ends the video with a surprisingly meta and thoughtful statement: “The is no beginning and there is no end.”

So true, Mariah. So true.

Want an actual Frito Pie recipe? Here you go:

Green Pepper Frito Pie recipe from ‘A Taste of Cowboy’