Dancing on Ice, episode 1, review: Comically bad Mark Little is the best thing about the show so far
Dancing On Ice is just what every festive comedown needs, being far easier to watch than it evidently is to take part in. The new series of the wintry talent show started live on ITV this weekend, with Holly Willoughby and Phillip Schofield hosting effortlessly smoothly as usual. So, did Gemma Collins melt our cold hearts or leave us wishing someone would run over our fingers with an ice skate so we couldn't turn our TV on in the first place?
The GC turned up
It’s the most depressing time of the year, which is why the presence of one of TOWIE’s most insufferable graduates has somehow become the TV event of 2019 so far. Much has been made of Gemma Collins’s decision to do the show, particularly as she has form for changing her mind about these things (she famously quit one of ITV’s other reality juggernauts, I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, after just three days), but we’re not quite sure what all the fuss is about.
Gemma fancies herself as a bit of a diva, so of course there were gold sequins and of course there was a Beyonce song and of course there was a wind machine. But other than that, she was just another below average ice dancer, who seemed unsure whether she wanted to be a genuine contender or if she was hamming up the slapstick (her attempt at the splits and the dodgy lift at the end would suggest the latter).
In the end, she landed towards the bottom of the score table, but her ego will have been bolstered by the DOI regulars who’ve clearly been instructed by bigwigs to suck up to her so that she doesn’t quit; judge Ashley Banjo called her “a ledge” and her dance partner Matt Evers described her as “iconic”. Seriously.
At the other end of the scale was Jason Gardiner’s comment that watching her was "uncomfortable to watch" and “like a French and Saunders parody” but those are just standard sneers from him, and felt like unnecessary jibes about her weight as much as her performance.
Gemma herself looked stunned – perhaps even a little disappointed – that she won’t be in next weekend’s skate-off. Because God forbid the show focuses on anyone other than her…
DC greater than GC
Far more endearing than The GC was the, er, DC – Didi Conn, famous for her role as Frenchy in Grease and, well, that’s it actually. At 67, she’s the oldest ever Dancing On Ice contestant, and it showed – those joints definitely looked like they could do with a bit of cod liver oil. But she was sweet and smiley and humble and everything that Gemma Collins wasn’t. Unfortunately, she also wasn't very good at dancing, but who needs talent when you've got a genuine Pink Ladies jacket and the unconditional love of an entire studio audience?
James Jordan is the new Ashley Roberts
Strictly professional James Jordan was by far the best skater of the night, which means everyone’s pretending to be furious, much like they were about a pop star being good at Strictly. Let’s all just calm down for a minute and think about something we’re really good at, and then ponder if we could do it on ice. In our case, that’s typing really fast and we’re pretty sure we’d struggle if our fingers were blades and our Macbook was made of frozen water, so James is OK with us.
What’s not OK, though, is Jason Gardiner’s clumsy proclamation that his routine was “sophisti-skated”. Yep, so far the judges are scoring about a 2.5 out of 10 for insight and originality.
Mark Little = best thing about the show so far
If Gemma Collins was in fact hoping to be this year’s token comedy entrant, she’s got no chance up against Mark Little – not only is he a much worse ice dancer than her, but he’s also far funnier and more affable. The actor and comedian, best known as Joe Mangel from Neighbours, was an absolute lumbering idiot on the ice, but full of both humility and humour when he came off.
Of course, his blatant ineptitude meant that he came bottom on the scoreboard and will be skating for survival next Sunday. We don’t care who he’s up against, we already want him to stay.
The scoring’s a little off though
What has Jason Gardiner got against Jane Danson? The Coronation Street actress opened the show with a routine that was fundamentally absolutely fine – a little clumsy in places, but perfectly respectable for a debut - but our resident panto villain completely slated her, saying “if you did that on my street I’d probably call the council” and awarding her just 3 points… the same that he gave the comedically bad Mark Little.
You could argue that when Jason assessed Jane he had no idea how much standards would slip during the course of the show, but it did seem a little unfair. Still, no harm done; a smiley Corrie star is always going to fare well with viewers of an ITV show, so we expect she’ll be around for a few weeks yet.
Oh and Saara Aalto was OK
There isn't much to say about the X Factor runner-up based on her first performance, but it seems mean to leave her out. Plus, at the beginning of X Factor she was similarly unremarkable, and then gradually became really great, so we should probably get practicing with typing all the vowels in her name in the right order in case she goes and wins the thing.