Dear Richard Madeley: My wife has been spending lavishly on holidays without me
Dear Richard
I have been married to my wife for over eight years now. Throughout this period I have been working away in a well-paid sea-based job for about half the year at a time, so I have left all the business of the finances, paying bills etc to my wife, who also has a good job but is self-employed so gets paid irregularly. We have separate accounts but I transfer whatever she asks for. The system seemed to be working until recently.
However, out of the blue I have found out that my wife has been spending lavishly on holidays abroad when I was away and owes credit cards and friends a sum in the tens of thousands. I’m blown away that she let it develop to such a degree before saying anything to me, partly because we could have nipped it in the bud sooner if I’d known, but chiefly because I feel betrayed.
I have some savings that can help, but how can I trust her that it wouldn’t happen again? What would you advise?
— Ed, via email
Dear Ed
This is serious. A fundamental breach of trust has occurred. And it’s not an isolated incident either: you write of ‘holidays’ in the plural, and that your wife has run up debts into many thousands of pounds, which you are now having to pay off from your savings. This is repeat behaviour. Secretive behaviour. Possibly compulsive behaviour.
It goes without saying that your wife is entitled to take holidays on her own while you are away for such extended periods. It also goes without saying that she should have consulted you about them, especially as they were clearly so expensive and it’s your money that is now going to have to pay for the credit card charges and all those loans from friends that financed her trips away.
There’s also the unsettling aspect of secrecy surrounding all this. You didn’t even know your wife was going on these holidays, did you? She kept them completely from you. No photographs. No updates of what she was doing, where, when and with whom. In effect, lying by omission. What happened to your comms when she was away? Did she just drop off the radar? Did you have no suspicions at all?
You say you only learned about any of it when the financial chickens came home to roost and it became impossible for her to conceal what she’s being doing. I’m sorry to say it, Ed, but that does make me wonder what other behaviour she may be hiding from you while you are working away at sea.
You ask how you can restore your trust in her. I’ll be honest with you: I think that’s going to be difficult. My best suggestion is that, once you’ve got these blessed debts sorted out, you go for joint counselling together. That will cost money too, but it may be a wise investment. In any case, you both need to get to the bottom of why she felt entitled to behave the way she did, and why she blinded herself – and you – to the inevitable consequences.
You have a rocky road to walk, Ed.
I wish you well on the journey.
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