After divorce, Jennifer Garner (and anyone else) should take as long as needed before moving on

After so many years as a favorite tabloid subject, Jennifer Garner probably doesn’t pay much attention to what the media has to say about her love life. But when the latest headline in Us Weekly shouted, “At Last! Jen Moves On,” we could imagine how it would sting. Rather than congratulating the actress and mother of three on finding new love with businessman John Miller, the magazine implied that she really should have done so long ago.

Even if Garner can ignore her own press, commentary like that may hit home for anyone who’s gone through a serious breakup or divorce. She and Ben Affleck announced their split in 2015 after 10 years of marriage, and they just finalized their divorce this month. Is that such a long time for a person to be single?

“How long it takes for an individual to process a separation is very uniquely specific to each person,” Fran Walfish, a family and couples therapist in Beverly Hills, tells Yahoo Lifestyle.

In her personal and professional life, Walfish has seen people happily move on one, two, five, or even 19 years after a relationship ended. The range is far too broad for any outsider to deem it too soon or too late, especially since the amount of time depends on so many factors, including the person’s relationship with his or her parents as a child.

“The attachment and separation process they went through with their mothers during the infant and toddler stage really does set the template for everything that follows, in terms of how somebody attaches in a relationship, whether they become overly attached, distant, or healthily bouncing along, coexisting and coming together in a relationship,” Walfish explains. “And the same is true for how they separate.”

We have no inside knowledge of what went into Garner’s decision not to have any kind of public relationship until now, but one can imagine that her three children and Affleck’s struggles with substance abuse were factors. Whatever the story, she seems to have taken her time regardless of public opinion. Whatever the story, she seems to have taken her time regardless of public opinion. Dealing with public opinion — including from friends and family — is something that many non-famous, newly single people also face.

“I think too many people are still preoccupied with how they’re viewed and thought of by others,” Walfish says. “One of the key markers of emotional maturity is moving past that and recognizing that life is short.”

Without listening to others’ opinions of whether to move on, a person needs to look inward to find the answer.

“It should never be out of one relationship and then dive into the next without experiencing a period of grieving and mourning the loss of the person, the relationship, and the fairy-tale hope of a future together that you had,” Walfish advises.

Some people might find that they enjoy serial dating and casual sex right after their separation, which is fine as long as they’re honest with themselves about why they’re doing it.

“A lot of people cannot tolerate feeling rejected or abandoned,” Walfish says. “And if that’s the case, people need to learn to sit and tolerate that feeling, because the faster you run away from this, it will chase you and catch up with you. It will follow you to the next relationship and repeat itself over and over.”

When you are ready to move on, Walfish says, dating a lot is great for those with the stomach for it, but she also thinks there’s a slightly less exhausting key to finding love again.

“Sometimes you just need to stay open to living life and recognizing that we never know where an opportunity is going to come from,” she says. “And when an opportunity does come, be open to at least considering it.”

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