As a divorced mom, I feel like the third wheel. Here's why.

During our 12-year marriage, my husband and I were a social couple. We frequently went on double or triple dates, or hosted other families at the house we shared with our two kids. During the pandemic, while everyone was forgetting their social skills, we divorced, and now I have re-entered society as a single lady. I’ve had my share of strange and sometimes wonderful moments, but one surprising aspect I've found in being a divorcée is that sometimes I feel like a third wheel, even — sometimes especially — with couples I was friends with before the divorce.

I’ve felt uncomfortable staying too close to dinner time during weeknight playdates. My ex has the kids for Thanksgiving, and people have offered to adopt me, but I’ve declined, not wanting to be the lone non-family member at a meal. Sometimes my kids miss out on something because it’s not “my day,” or if the event is for one kid and I can’t get someone to watch the other. Worse than me feeling like a third wheel because of my divorce is my kid feeling like one. It’s worse with the people who knew me “before,” because I don’t want them to feel bad or like they need to make special accommodations. When they do take care of me, I am thankful but also feel guilty.

Turns out, I’m not the only single parent who feels this way. “This is very much a thing,” says single mom Megan Kinch. “I don’t think coupled people understand the extent to which single parents, especially single moms, and their kids get excluded from things."

But are we overthinking it? According to Lisa Kruger, a licensed professional counselor who specializes in mood disorders and trauma in Virginia and D.C., these feelings of exclusion and alienation could be tied to our own insecurities as single parents.

“In cases where married friends are not actually excluding the single parent, the single parent can still perceive being excluded based on the negative cognitions of themselves,” Kruger explains. "Some of the time, the feeling of social isolation from married friends can be a projection of a single parent's own self-stigma. They may feel ‘less than’ from their own insecurities of not being coupled.”

Even if you kept all the friends in the divorce, you might still feel like you no longer go with the crowd, or feel compelled to change your behavior. “I got really awkward and pulled away from the males in the couple friends that I had," a single mom of two who didn't want to share her name says. While she admits “that was totally me being overly cautious about others’ feelings,” she feels that distancing was worth it, whether or not it was necessary, in order to maintain her friendships with the women in those couples.

I have found myself choosing more conservative clothes than I might have when I was married if I’m going to be one of the only single moms at a parents-only school event. I also notice when there aren’t any invitations to go out with couple friends without the kids. Kruger says this experience is not uncommon. "If a married person is enmeshed with the ‘coupled life,’ they will more likely seek out other coupled friends," she says. "This can leave single parents feeling isolated and ostracized.” While no one has explicitly left me out, I know things are different now.

I prefer the difference, though. My female friends saved me post-divorce. I always want them to feel like I’m there for them, too. And I don’t miss the double dates, because sometimes I get to have my friends over to my quiet house at night when my kids are at their dad’s and we can stay up as late as we want, not having to worry about anyone, be it a kid or spouse, eavesdropping.

Dads worry about the vibes as well. James Wall, a single dad to an 11-year-old in Oregon, says that when his female friends get into a relationship, he backs off. “I don’t completely cut them off, but I won’t communicate as often, and I try not to be in a room alone with them,” he shares.

Some single parents are extra-cautious around members of the opposite sex to avoid any misunderstanding. Another single mother who prefers to stay anonymous says she's been frequently hit on by other parents whose kids hang out with her own 12-year-old — "no matter if they are single, married, whatever.”

She and I both take a proactive approach to arranging plans, and stick to group texts. "Even when a married dad contacts me privately, I respond to both parents," she says. Though she admits it's “a bit gender-conforming,” one single mom of a 6-year-old told me she tries “to schedule through the wife" when making plans with an opposite-sex couple. She also prefers drop-off playdates to avoid unwanted parental interaction.

One of my greatest griefs since divorcing has been my inability to successfully execute a big vacation with my two young kids. It’s simply too much for me to pull off on my own. People have suggested I team up with another family, but I’ve felt uncomfortable about tagging along on someone else’s trip, especially if I’m the only single parent.

“I have vacationed with a married couple and their kids since divorce, but we are good enough friends that it wasn't a big deal," one mom shares, while another says vacationing with other families was "no problem as long as my son and I had a hotel room to ourselves — and I only hung out solo with the other mom.” This does sound appealing to me, but the transitions of travel and intimacies of being around another family for a long time would have to be under very specific circumstances.

There are always going to be awkward moments when navigating the single life, even in the non-romantic spheres, but, for a lot of us, we prefer it to our previous married lives. While it can be hard to get used to new dynamics in groups and with friends, those closest to us will hopefully be unfazed, even if we divorcées aren’t yet. Hopefully, we will find ways to soften the edges, get more comfortable and feel safe to be ourselves.

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