Dr. Ronsisvalle: Men need a healthy, balanced understanding of masculinity to find true joy
I met David several years ago at a LiveWell clinic for our first session.
Walking back to my office to begin the session, I was struck by his level of confidence and articulate demeanor, remarkable for a 32-year-old.
As he began sharing his story, his impressive résumé unfolded: high school football captain, homecoming king, business owner, committed husband and father.
Everything David touched seemed to turn to gold.
He had become nearly a scratch golfer within a few years of picking up the sport, excelled in CrossFit to the point of becoming a trainer, led Bible study at his church and served on various community boards.
Outwardly, David was a classic go-getter, a "man's man."
Yet, as I listened, it became clear David was at a significant crossroads, grappling with his identity and place in the world. He had been taught to be assertive, take charge, and never show weakness — lessons handed down from his father and reinforced by society, shaping his behavior and interactions.
But deep down, David felt a void, a sense something was missing.
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He admitted to feeling like a fraud at times, personally and professionally, and had begun experiencing significant anxiety.
In many ways, David was looking for more meaning, purpose and balance in his life.
In our initial sessions, we identified that David's emotional struggles were rooted in deep discontent, especially in close relationships.
While he was the gregarious life of the party in public, he struggled to connect with his wife, kids and close friends. His aggressive, domineering and at times destructive behavior often led to personal and professional conflicts.
David once said: "I've always thought being a man means being strong and assertive, but I feel there's more to it. I want to be confident but not overbearing. I know I need to be more humble, but I feel 'weak' whenever I approach vulnerability."
Working with David over several months I realized his struggle was tied directly to his identity as a man.
In our conversation about his formative years, we explored significant moments during his high school and college days that played a crucial role in shaping his beliefs about manhood.
His father, a classic "man's man," emphasized courage, discipline and duty. As he observed his dad’s bravery, courageousness and the ability to persevere through adversity, David learned the value of being goal-oriented, gritty and resilient.
Despite frequent arguments, he deeply admired his father and aspired to be like him.
David's time in a fraternity at university further reinforced his appreciation for his dad and the lessons he learned.
Surrounded by peers who shared his father's ideals, the core messages of courage, discipline, aggression and control became deeply ingrained.
The breakthrough in our therapy came when I introduced humility, a balancing characteristic, as a missing element in his relationships.
Initially resistant, David gradually developed an appreciation for the idea of humility, realizing it didn’t mean thinking less of himself but recognizing his strengths and weaknesses and valuing others' perspectives.
This shift transformed his relationships and eased his anxiety. David found that balancing aggression with humility was key to fulfillment and genuine connection.
Over time, he began to lead with confidence and compassion; he began to mentor other men, sharing the wisdom he had gained in therapy.
Through his journey, David discovered that true masculinity is not about adhering to rigid scripts but embracing a dynamic and holistic approach to life.
It echoes psychological theories that were developed decades ago about self-identity and manhood.
Traditionally, masculinity has been defined by influential figures in our lives — fathers, family members, friends, cultural icons.
Every generation tweaks this definition based on its unique experiences. For example, masculinity in Genghis Khan's Mongolia emphasized demonstrating merciless violence and fathering as many children as possible, contrasting sharply with the conservative Christian ideal of the 1950s.
The point here is that our self identity as men is driven by lessons we learn early on in life from our culture and the strong relational influence of others at critical periods of development.
If you find yourself in a situation where you feel, like David did, that something is missing in your life, it’s important to reassess your definition of manhood.
A balanced understanding can help shed feelings of inadequacy and anxiety, leading to more authentic relationships.
For those who see the men in their lives struggling, there is hope. Men can reclaim a healthy, balanced understanding of masculinity that brings deep fulfillment and joy.
The following strategies can help you or your loved ones develop a genuine definition of what it means to be a real man.
1. Understand the archetypes
Psychologist Carl Jung introduced the concept of archetypes in 1919, describing the unconscious instincts of men and women.
His four main male archetypes — the Warrior, the Lover, the Magician and the King — represent different facets of the male psyche.
Understanding and integrating these archetypes can lead to a more balanced and fulfilling life.
Here’s a closer look at each one:
The Warrior Men who identify with the Warrior value courage, assertiveness, discipline and a strong sense of duty. The Warrior is focused, goal-oriented and has the strength to overcome obstacles. He embodies action, bravery and perseverance. Perhaps not surprisingly, based on our understanding of David’s situation, Jung believed that if a man over-connected with his Warrior identity he could become overly-aggressive, domineering and even destructive.
The Lovers are characterized by sensitivity, passion, empathy and deep emotional connections. They value relationships and are attuned to life's beauty, fostering compassion and understanding. This archetype fosters connection and emotional intelligence yet, without balance, the Lover can become overly sentimental, dependent and avoid confrontation.
The Magician values knowledge, insight, creativity and the ability to transform situations. Wise and reflective, he uses his knowledge to guide and inspire others. However, if not balanced, the Magician's dark side can become manipulative, deceitful or withdrawn from reality.
Kings command authority, value integrity, responsibility and the ability to provide order and guidance. Embodying leadership, fairness and a vision for the greater good, they are protectors and a stabilizing force, creating harmony and ensuring the well-being of those he leads. However, without balance, the King can become tyrannical, rigid and disconnected from those he is supposed to serve.
2. Seek integration and balance
Jung’s archetypes highlight that true fulfillment comes from balancing and integrating the unique facets of our identity, rather than clinging to just one.
David, for example, was a Warrior at heart, embodying courage, confidence and aggression. This made him a successful businessman and athlete, a quintessential "man's man."
However, clinging exclusively to this identity left him feeling empty and anxious.
The goal is not to reject the aspects of our identity that feel natural and intuitive.
In fact, today's cultural push against "toxic masculinity" often encourages men to abandon these inherent traits, which is indeed damaging a generation of men.
Instead, we should embrace the parts of our identity that come easily while also having the humility to develop areas that feel foreign or difficult.
David, for instance, learned to embrace the Lover within him, which gave him empathy and deepened his relationships. This shift greatly improved his connections with his wife, children, team at work and friends.
He was only able to engage in an empathic way with others because he tapped into his inner Magician, engaging in self-reflection through our therapy sessions.
This allowed him to be honest and authentic with himself. While David was already a great leader when I met him, this self-development journey enabled him to lead with deeper integrity and personal responsibility.
True masculinity involves embracing all parts of ourselves, creating a balanced, authentic life.
3. Start with self-awareness
David's real progress began when he embraced self-awareness. Recognizing his natural inclination toward the Warrior archetype, he saw how his assertiveness often bordered on aggression, alienating others.
Self-awareness allowed David to know when to lean into the Lover’s empathy or the King’s responsibility, ensuring his assertiveness was tempered with understanding and fairness.
Any man interested in making progress toward a balance in life must start with a hard look at himself.
Intellectual honesty is crucial for gaining the insight needed to take risks and make meaningful changes.
Developing self-awareness helps you recognize and understand your emotions, strengths, weaknesses, values and motives.
With increased self-awareness, you will identify moments when your behavior might be overly aggressive (Warrior) or overly passive (Lover).
You might also notice when you overthink (Magician) or act tyrannically (King).
Understanding these tendencies allows for more deliberate and balanced responses.
Cultivating self-awareness in this way helps men achieve a balanced masculinity that integrates the strength of the Warrior, the compassion of the Lover, the wisdom of the Magician and the integrity of the King.
This balance leads to healthier relationships, more effective leadership and a more fulfilling and authentic life — just like David's.
4. Find a coach
My encouragement in your personal growth journey is to not take it alone. Find a coach who will guide you in developing self-awareness and provide accountability as you embrace humility.
At LiveWell, we have committed professionals ready to coach any man ready to walk the path of self-improvement. That’s exactly what I did for David, and the impact was transformative.
Don't hesitate to reach out to our LiveWell clinics if you’re interested in connecting with a coach. We also offer a virtual class for men who want to improve their self-awareness and work on the underdeveloped parts of their identity.
The class starts on July 9, 2024, and runs every Tuesday evening from 7-8 p.m. EST for six weeks. So no matter where you are in the world, you can participate from the comfort of your home or office.
For more information and to join our virtual coaching class, visit www.livewellbehavioralhealth.com/strength.
As one of the course instructors, I hope you’ll join me and my LiveWell team for a powerful experience that will help you achieve a more balanced life and redefine what it means to be a man.
Dr. Mike Ronsisvalle is a Licensed Psychologist and the President of LiveWell Behavioral Health, a psychological services agency that provides counseling to clients of all ages and addictions treatment to adolescents and adults. You can find him at www.LiveWellbehavioralhealth.com or call 321-259-1662.
This article originally appeared on Florida Today: Men need a healthy, balanced understanding of masculinity | Ronsisvalle