The Easy Way You Can Tell the Difference Between Lust and Love
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We all know the feeling—that sudden surge in heart rate, a euphoric lightheadedness, the magnetic need to close the gap between you and someone whose existence has now become your singular focus. But is it lust or love that’s exciting you? And how can you even tell the difference?
For starters, there are lots of ways in which love and lust can overlap. “Lust can ‘feel’ very much like love, especially in the beginning of a relationship when new relationship energy is at an all time high,” says Taylor Sparks, erotic educator and founder of Organic Loven, one of the largest online organic intimacy shops.
But both feelings of lust and love also have plenty of qualities that distinguish them as well—and it’s important to tell them apart.
So to help you sort out your situation, here is everything you need to know about lust vs love from the experts, including common signs of each, how to turn one into the other, and everything in between.
What is lust?
Lust exists in the realm of the physical—it’s like putting attraction on steroids. Sexuality and relationships scientist Zhana Vrangalova, PhD, defines it simply as: “You just want to fuck someone or you want to fuck them really badly.” Lust is powered by the desire for sexual gratification, typically presenting as a powerful urge to achieve it. And it’s due to that intensity that can make it confusing to distinguish from love.
“When you are lusting, you don’t think, you just feel,” says clinical sexologist Valerie Poppel, PhD, co-founder of The Swann Center, which brings inclusive sexual education and training to clients. Lust can feel all consuming, in the way that we expect of love, but there is still greater emphasis on physical appearance rather than the “essence” of who they are.
From a scientific perspective, “lust lights up our brain's reward pathways—almost like we're getting a drug hit,” says Emily Morse, a doctor of human sexuality and founder of Sex With Emily, a resource for all things sex and relationships. “Lust prompts our bodies to produce more testosterone, so when we're around this person, we feel energized, highly aroused, and physical.”
What is Love?
Love can feel intangible, as the feeling is very complex. It’s a concept which humanity has spent its entire existence trying to capture in art, music, dance, and viral proposal videos, but it’s not impossible to define. Simply put, love reflects deep emotional attachment—a romantic connection that, while it includes sexual attraction, is not defined by it like lust.
And there are two main types of love. “One is the infatuation type of love, the early stage of love,” says Dr. Vrangalova. This is love marked by sexual passion, being preoccupied with that person, and even being mood dependent on what’s happening the relationship.
Later on comes attachment-based love. “It’s characterized by a lot more calmness, and comfort and security and safety,” Dr. Vrangalova says. This is a stable, long-term bond rooted in partners knowing each other, experiencing deep intimacy, and having a shared history. She adds that this kind of love usually includes vulnerability and greater levels of commitment.
The difference between lust and love
It’s the infatuation stage of love that is particularly easy to confuse with lust, especially since that kind of love often incorporates expressions of lust. But although it seems impossible to tell them apart, there are some signs.
Start by looking at how you spend your time together. “When every encounter turns to sex or some sexual activity, it is most likely lust and not love,” Sparks says. “ People who are ‘in love’ spend almost as much time getting to know each other by doing things together other than sex, discussing their past, present, and futures, and enjoying each others company outside of the bedroom.”
So if you observe a physical, emotional, romantic, and spiritual connection growing that you want to nurture and grow, you’re falling in love, my friend!
Dr. Morse suggests listening to your body. “In [lust’s] case, look for your body's arousal signs: flushed, a little hot, quicker breathing, heart beating. And then as we relax and get to know them, our body registers their presence a little differently. We're calmer around them, simply because we're more familiar.”
Is lust more powerful than love?
Lust is defined by intensity, but love can show up with a staggering strength in a totally different way. “They aren’t comparable,” Dr. Vrangalova says. “Usually, infatuation type of love is more powerful than just lust because lust is contained within a good, strong infatuation. And that infatuation is one of the most powerful emotions that humans can feel. It's a force to be reckoned with.”
When time is added to the equation, love shows its power. “Lust will fade over time and with age, whereas love ideally grows stronger over time,” says Dr. Poppel. In fact, this reality is rooted in science.
Can lust turn into love?
Dr. Vrangalova says lust can last between three months to two years before our brain chemistry can no longer handle the intensity. “The emotional roller coaster is too much for us to handle.” It’s during this period that attachment-based love has room to form, and if it has been increasing, it will take over as the primary form of love for the couple.
This is not a prescription for love’s growth, this transition can happen quickly or very slowly. “If the first date ends up being really powerfully positive for people and they see potential for more, infatuation can kick in almost immediately,” she says.
Is it possible lust won't turn into love?
Romcoms might have us thinking that hardcore crushes always yield commitments, but that’s not how the real world works. Because unfortunately, most of the time, lust never turns into love, says Dr. Vrangalova. "We lust after people that don’t turn into love, infatuation, or attachment."
It can be painful to feel that intensity diminish or for it to not be reciprocated or even to invest time in a relationship that doesn’t evolve into something more serious. Your feelings are valid. Just remember that “if lust never turns into love, it never was meant to be,” says Dr. Poppel.
Remember that you are likely to feel lots of ways about lots of people, and one lusty loss isn’t the end of your story.
How can you tell if the person you're with is in love or lust with you?
Knowing whether you’re in lust vs. love with someone is important when it comes to getting your needs met, and knowing where your lover stands can help fill in the gaps. Figuring that out is as easy as asking: “I always say that communication is a lubrication,” says Dr. Morse, “and personally, I find forthright communication sexy.”
It might be helpful to begin the conversation discussing what you want and how you'd like to see the relationship progress first, then, letting your partner respond so they don't feel on the spot or ambushed into the "what are we?" convo.
Regardless, having an open conversation leaves nothing up to interpretation, so even if their answer is disappointing—either because they want less or more commitment than you do—it gives you an opportunity to redesign or end the relationship if everyone isn’t on the same page.
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