Monday through Friday, you're in the office kitchen by 11:54 a.m. calling dibs on some precious microwave time. Come noon, you're reviewing spreadsheet columns between bites, totally oblivious to the fact that your sad desk lunch is basically screaming a memoir of information about you and your wallet to the entire world. Oh, you *thought* nobody was judging your sad desk lunch? Think again, babe :)

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Avocado Toast with Cold-Pressed Juice, Ordered from Caviar at 10 a.m.

You can pretend that that avo smash on multigrain with a dash of chili-soaked olive oil and a celery juice the shade of green rarely seen in nature just appeared in front of your face. But we know the truth. It took a goddamn village to put together your $18 nosh. And the workings all happen under the table. You’re like Cersei from Game of Thrones—you’ll pay the big bucks to get what you want, when you want it without getting your hands dirty…mostly because they’re already dirty doing something else.

A Salad from That Popular To-Go Spot with the Long Line

Seems innocent enough, right? Some mixed greens and toppings from the place around the corner. But no matter which way you chop this salad, you spent $15 on mediocrity. Let me guess, you also pay the suggested $3 tip on a $3 coffee? That’s a 100 PERCENT TIP. Also, just so you know: Those chickpeas have been sitting under the sneeze-guard for at least three weeks.

A Really Healthy, Delicious and Balanced Bring-from-Home Lunch

I see you, and I’m looking through you, Madame Virtuous. All those organic veggies in one mason jar means you’re spending a pretty penny just to look like you’re not. You’re like Forrest Gump, taking the bus and talking about chocolate when, in reality, you run a billion-dollar shrimp company and could be driving to work—in silence!

Group Pizza Order

Ah, the master manipulator. You’re basically the Gordon Gekko of lunch time, crowdsourcing your meal so that you only have pay for a literal slice of the pie (of which you eat two thirds). Hell, you’re probably an investor over at Luigi’s. You’re probably making money on this thing!

A 35-oz. Fage Greek Yogurt Tub with a Hodgepodge of Last Night’s Dinner

Waste not, want not. If you could go to work in a potato sack, you would. If you could re-chew a piece of gum you (oh wait…you’ve done that). You haven’t met a piece of fabric that hasn’t made you think, “Save that for my quilt!” and “Don’t throw away that book, you can use it as a pot!” is a thing you’ve said...out loud. Your optimism regarding perishables is annoying yet inspiring. And hey, that yogurt is still three days from expiring, so good on you!

Anything Free

Your office is an all-you-can-eat-for-free buffet, but one must just open her eyes to see the possibilities*! That time you scored a ham sandwich that went untouched on a corporate lunch platter was, for you, a national holiday. You’re like George Constanza: Free is free, baby! (No idea if he ever said that, but he probably thought it a couple times.) Regifting? It’s what God intended! Museums? Only on free admission days! Valet? You gotta be kidding me! Splitting a dinner bill with you would be an absolutely horrible experience. Good thing you only asked for tap water.

*Free energy bars

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