‘Family is more than biology’: Why LGBTQ+ women want to be surrogates for gay men
Plenty of hopeful parents-to-be face obstacles before they hold their child in their arms. But for many LGBTQ+ families, the path to parenthood is impossible without the assistance of a third party.
Because of that, LGBTQ+ couples who have already grown their own families often reach out to others in the community to try and help them bring their own genetically linked children into the world.
For example, lesbian couples rely on sperm donors to help create embryos. In gratitude, lesbian couples may then search for ways to pay it forward, occasionally acting as gestational surrogates for gay men.
“I know, as an LGBTQ+ person, that we face tremendous barriers that heterosexual people do not. And we deserve to have the families that we dream of,” says first-time gestational surrogate Lauren Brown. "If we can help each other out, then we do have everything we need.”
Here are three stories that demonstrate the deep parental bond that links members of the LGBTQ+ community to each other.
Jarret's story
When Jarret Zafran, 37, married his husband, Elliot Epstein, 39, he knew that their path to parenthood would be unconventional.
"We both always knew that we wanted kids, and I think, at different points in our life, didn't always know if that would be possible," Zafran tells TODAY.com. After considering adoption, the couple decided instead to identify a fertility clinic, a doctor, and then eventually a donor and a surrogate.
"It's daunting, and overwhelming, but it also works. And my two daughters are proof positive of that," he says. The couple are now the proud parents of 4-year-old Naomi and and 21-month-old Annie.
Because gestational surrogacy wasn't legal in New York state until 2021, the Manhattan couple had to work with an agency outside of their home state the first time around.
Zafran says that the "wonderful woman" who carried Naomi decided to become a surrogate because she and her wife had used a sperm donor to create their family. "Part of her motivation in becoming a gestational surrogate was to essentially pay it forward to the LGBTQ+ community, knowing that we need third parties in order to be able to build our families."
When Zafran and Epstein wanted to add a second child to their family, surrogacy had become legal in New York, so Zafran, a lawyer, found a gestational surrogate on his own. At the same time, he decided to start his own surrogacy business, Brownstone Surrogacy, that provides a personal touch in building all types of families.
The relationship between parent and surrogate is one that is "suffused with gratitude and trust, and they are, when done right, really beautiful," he says. "We know that we would not have either of our daughters without the generosity of three incredible women: our egg donor, and the two surrogates that carried them."
Jill’s story
Jill Stewardson, 37, and her wife, Jenna Stewardson, 38, knew that they wanted to have a family but they weren’t exactly sure where to start. The Rochester, New York, couple tried three rounds of intrauterine insemination (IUI). All were unsuccessful.
For the fourth round, Jill underwent a medicated IUI cycle and became pregnant with her son, Mikko, who is now 6.
For their second child, the couple used Jenna’s egg to create an embryo that Jill carried, a process known as reciprocal IVF. Their daughter, Scout, is 4 years old.
After Scout’s birth, Jill studied to become a full-spectrum fertility doula. As part of her studies, she learned more about LGBTQ+ pregnancies and surrogacy.
“It kind of planted something in the back of my mind,” Jill tells TODAY.com. “I really kind of missed being pregnant. And I thought that that would be such a cool way to give back to our community. I mean, we had a lot of help along our way. It was kind of like a win-win situation.”
After going down “the rabbit hole” of surrogacy research, Jill chose to work with Brownstone, who matched her with a single gay man from New York City who wanted to become a father.
Jill had no hesitations about selecting a single person as the intended parent, especially because he had a solid support system. “I’m not the person to decide who should or shouldn’t have kids,” noting that anyone who goes through the extensive surrogacy process has to be serious about being a parent.
“We text each other, we’ll video chat once in a while and we still have a really good relationship,” she says.
Jill laughs that she plans to take a break from being pregnant for now, but says, “I’ve already told my my spouse that I’m definitely considering doing another one and they’re down for it.”
Lauren's story
"I had been very interested in surrogacy for a long time, and I love the idea of giving back, or paying it forward," says Lauren Brown, 36. "Having had two very lovely pregnancies, and being the recipient of donor sperm, I would love to give back to help another queer family build the family of their dreams."
Lauren gave birth to two children using wife Amanda Brown's eggs. Today, Judah is 3 years old and Malachi is 1. The Brown family lives in the Washington, D.C. area.
Before Malachi's first birthday, Lauren began talking to a friend who works in the fertility field about becoming a surrogate. She initially contacted the surrogacy agency in August 2023, and within six months, her surrogate contract was finalized.
At Lauren's first meeting with the intended parents, a gay male couple, she says, "I was so enamored with that beautiful couple whose story just seem to align so much to ours." Lauren talked things over with her wife and immediately called the lawyer to say yes.
Lauren is currently pregnant with a baby that was created from the couple's sperm and a donor egg, and her due date is fittingly on Thanksgiving.
"I knew I wanted to help a gay male couple's family dreams come true," Lauren says, noting that she hopes to stay in the family's life as a sort of "auntie," just as the men have become "uncles" to Lauren's kids.
She adds, "As queer people raising kids, we know how important chosen family is. And we know that family is more than biology."
This article was originally published on TODAY.com
