The Fast and the Farmer-ish, review: BBC Three’s Top Gear with tractors gets stuck in the mud

After five years in the digital desert, BBC Three has returned to the fuddy-duddy universe of television. And while the youth-oriented channel’s 2022 line-up contains plenty of what you would expect – a forthcoming Sally Rooney adaptation, a new Stacey Dooley documentary – room has been carved out, too, for some new oddities. Oddest of all, surely, is The Fast and the Farmer-ish (BBC Three). A “brand new agri-challenge” show fronted by “a full-time beef and sheep farmer” Tom Pemberton, it sounds like something Alan Partridge might have suggested after his pitch for Youth Hostelling with Chris Eubank was rejected.

You are probably wondering what an “agri-challenge” is. Judging by the first of seven episodes, it’s essentially the silly stunts from the old, non-woke Top Gear only with tractors rather than Lamborghinis. And with mullet-sporting Gen-Zers instead of Jeremy Clarkson trapped in his dad jeans.

As the name hinted at, the less than riveting series was a celebration of the noble art of tractor racing. And in part one, it was lads versus ladies. Across three cheesy rounds, Somerset’s Checkshirt Choppers waged mud-caked battle against the Diva Drivers from Leicestershire. First up was a straightforward tractor sprint along a muddy stretch. Or at least it would have been straightforward if Bucky, from Somerset, had managed to change gears properly. He didn’t and rival Mimi zoomed across the line to claim top spot.

Somebody had their punning hat on, as the next contest was called “the X Tractor” and involved the tractors reversing through an obstacle course adorned with tiny hanging pigs. The drivers were forced to sing Shania Twain and Scouting For Girls songs as they went, their vocal abilities judged by Radio 1’s Gemma Bradley.

This was a quirky idea too far and undermined by the harsh reality that it is impossible to drive a tractor backwards while warbling Shania Twain. The Diva Drivers received extra marks for at least trying to sing, though the one who really deserved a bonus was Bradley, who clearly wondered what she had got herself into.

She had made good her exit as the show slouched towards its final challenge – a sort of tractor-based version of skittles. Choppers and Divas were required to punt a tyre down a road and into a collection of sheds representing giant bowling pins. With points tallied, the Choppers carried the day and went through to the next round and the Divas were packed off to pastoral purgatory.

The problem with The Fast and the Farmers-ish is that tractors aren’t terribly exciting. Not even when bright pink and pelting through muck at maximum velocity. They’re manifestly unsexy and have all the handling ability of a battleship attempting a three-point turn.

Strangest of all was the fact that, though the premise feels far-fetched on paper, The Fast and the Farmer-ish actually has the Zeitgeist between the bit of its teeth. Farm-based binge-watching is all the rage, from Clarkson’s Farm on Amazon to Our Yorkshire Farm on Channel 5. Everywhere you look, the schedules are a riot of squelching wellies and rolling rustic vistas.

Rural bliss was, alas, in short supply here. Try as he might, the enthusiastic Pemberton – a noted influencer in the Instagram farming community – couldn’t save the format. The Fast and the Farmer-ish worked hard at selling the joys of the rustic lifestyle to BBC Three’s Gen Z audience. But it ultimately felt like a muddy big waste of time.