Finally! Answers To Your Most Pressing Orgasm-Related Questions
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If you’re someone with a vagina then you have probably asked yourself the question that’s been on millions of minds since the dawn of time: “What is an orgasm? And have I had one?”
Unfortunately for many vagina-owners, an orgasm isn’t always marked by ejaculation (unlike for people with penises) so it can be hard to tell if you’ve really experienced one. Did you feel good after the deed was done? Sure. But did you orgasm? That is where the puzzle lies.
I can also bet a pretty penny that when you’ve brought up your confusion to friends (or anyone who will listen, TBH) they’ve said: “You’ll know when it happens,” which isn’t a sufficient enough answer. They might’ve as well said, “If you know, you know.” And, reader, I don’t know. (Give me the facts, people! I can’t do the guessing games anymore.)
“What is an orgasm? If I’m a clinician and I’m talking to a patient, I’d say it’s an experience of peak pleasure,” says Nicole Prause, PhD, a neuroscientist studying the physiology of orgasms and the founder of Liberos, an independent research institute. “If I have my scientist hat on, I’d say it’s eight to 12 contractions that occur in the pelvic musculature that start at about 0.8 seconds apart and increase in latency until they stop.” There it is folks, your answer—well, at least part of it.
Meet the experts: Nicole Prause, PhD, is a neuroscientist studying the physiology of orgasms and the founder of Liberos.
Lauren Streicher, MD, is a professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Northwestern University and host of The Menopause Podcast.
Donna Oriowo, PhD, is an AASECT-certified sex and relationship therapist based in Washington, D.C. and founder of AnnodRight.
In an attempt to finally solve this unsolved mystery of what an orgasm truly feels like, I’ve tapped a neuroscientist, a gynecologist, and a sex therapist (the holy trinity of sexperts, if you will) to get some answers.
Ahead, find the answers to your most pressing orgasm-related questions, from the science of an orgasm to how to tell if you’ve actually had one. (Thank me later!)
What is an orgasm, exactly?
Forget about what an orgasm “should” feel like, let’s start with the basics: What is an orgasm, anyway?
As Prause stated, scientifically speaking, an orgasm is a series of contractions of the pelvic muscles that follows sexual arousal and/or stimulation (yes, “or,” as some people with vaginas can experience orgasm from imagery alone—lucky them!). These contractions are involuntary (keyword here), but coordinated and rhythmic, adds Lauren Streicher, MD, a professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Northwestern University and host of The Menopause Podcast. They can last up to around 20 seconds and “result in an intense feeling of pleasure,” she says.
The reason these contractions occur is that, when you’re at the peak of sexual pleasure, there is increased muscle tension and congestion of tissues due to increased pelvic blood flow, and all that tension requires an outlet for release, explains Streicher.
In addition to contractions, your pulse will quicken and your pupils will usually dilate. Afterwards, you should experience a feeling of resolution, muscle relaxation, and contentment, says Streicher. You know, that post-coital clarity (or PCC, as I like to call it) and glow.
What does an orgasm feel like?
For starters, not all orgasms are the same. Orgasm is a very individual response, so it will feel different for every person, says Streicher. Not to mention, there’s different levels, so some may feel stronger and much more intense orgasms than others. Nevertheless, if you’re curious, there are some common markers when it comes to recognizing those sweet, sweet Os.
From a physiological perspective, again, you should feel a series of involuntary muscle contractions in your pelvis. Much like a sneeze, which you can’t stop once it’s started, orgasms are reflexive, explains Prause: “When these series of contractions are initiated, they’re going to play out regardless of what you do and there’s often some pleasurable sensation associated with them.”
From a neurological standpoint, right before orgasm there’s a shift from arousal to a peri-orgasmic (meaning, “near” or “surrounding” orgasm) state, says Prause. You might feel like your mind is racing, you may hyperventilate or even dissociate and lose touch with reality for a bit before settling into a period of intense pleasure. Afterwards, again, you should have a feeling of resolution (or something being over or completed), which, according to Streicher, is the marker of a true orgasm.
So while you may be tired of hearing, “If you’re not sure you’ve had an orgasm, you probably haven’t,” (raises hand) there is some truth to that statement. “One of the things that’s very important is when someone is experiencing orgasm, there’s a climax and feeling of ‘getting over the top.’ So in addition to those pleasurable feelings and muscle contractions, there should be a sense of resolution and the excitement part being over, and a lot of people never really get there,” says Streicher.
How do male and female orgasms differ?
Short answer: They don’t.
“We all essentially come from the same stuff, the same makeup, and neurally speaking, male and female orgasms seem to be very similar,” says Prause. She explains that when her own lab records contractions from both male and female participants, “we can’t differentiate if we’re recording from a man or woman.” In other words, they look the same.
When it comes to sexual arousal, however, there’s a bit of a discrepancy. “Men tend to get more aroused and more quickly than women do,” explains Prause. So if you typically take a bit longer to get turned on during a hot makeout sesh or foreplay, it’s not you, it’s just your biology.
Another, rather obvious, difference is the experience of ejaculation. Males typically tend to also ejaculate during orgasm while females typically do not, says Prause. Why, you ask? “It is just less likely because of the way we stimulate those with penises versus how we stimulate those with clitorises,” says Donna Oriowo, PhD, an AASECT-certified sex and relationship therapist based in Washington, D.C. and founder of AnnodRight.
What happens in your brain when you have an orgasm?
Other than your muscles contracting in the pelvic floor, uterus, rectum, and clitoris, there’s other stuff happening in the body during orgasm, especially as it pertains to your little friend—no, not that one—I mean your brain.
Immediately before orgasm, for example, your brain goes through a process of gross deactivation, meaning there’s a decrease in oxygenated blood across most areas of the brain, says Prause, which is perhaps why some people report feeling dissociated and out of body.
After orgasm, your brain slowly comes back online, meaning the brainwaves begin to “normalize” to your pre-arousal state, Prause explains. Your sympathetic nervous system, which becomes activated when you’re aroused and nearing climax, also comes back down to your normal state of alertness.
Moreover, there’s a marked increase in hormones such as prolactin (the lactation hormone), oxytocin (the “trust” hormone), and epinephrine (the “fight or flight” hormone), says Prause.
Want to up your sex game? Take notes. Below, six positions to try:
How can I tell if I’ve had an orgasm?
Okay, so you know what an orgasm is, how it affects the brain, and what it should feel like, but how do you know if you’ve actually had one?
Well, for one, you’ll want to feel for those muscle contractions. “The hallmark of an orgasm is those series of contractions,” says Prause. “And they are what we call ‘high specificity,’ meaning they occur at no other time than at climax.” Prause explains that you can visibly see these contractions, most easily in the anus (but sometimes in the vagina as well), and can feel for them with a finger.
Beyond that, there are a few more signs to watch out for. One hallmark of an orgasm is somnolence, a.k.a drowsiness, induced by the release of vasopressin, a hormone that regulates blood pressure and is closely associated with romantic love, says Prause. Yes, you heard that correctly: Cumming should make you sleepy.
If you tend to get super active after sex then you’re probably thinking, “Wait, what?” (Same.) Sorry to break it you, but you probably aren’t having the physiological experience of a true orgasm.
But don't worry, you're not alone. In fact, many women are not getting a dose of vasopressin because they’re not having a physiological climax, explains Prause. “If someone were to say, ‘I’m super alert afterwards,’ I’d be curious to know if they’re really having the physiological definition of an orgasm as it’s pretty unusual to be very alert after such a high dose of vasopressin.”
Then yet another hallmark of an orgasm is, of course, the release of oxytocin, also known as “the love hormone,” but please don’t call it that for Prause’s sake. “If anything, it seems to be more of a trust-related kind of social affiliation marker,” she says. So, if you suddenly feel a lot closer (and I’m not talking purely physical here) to the person you just had sex with, there’s a good chance that you had an orgasm.
How can I have better orgasms?
PSA: “You can have a satisfying sexual experience without having an orgasm. This idea that if you don’t orgasm, you didn’t have ‘good’ sex, is simply not true,” says Streicher.
So, yes, while an orgasm can feel all sorts of amazing, you can still have good, even great, sex without having one. In the words of Prause: “If you don’t have contractions, it’s fine. Nobody cares, just have fun.”
Nevertheless, if you’re determined to experience an earth-shattering O (or several), these expert tips can help you amp up your orgasm game:
1. Get to know your clit.
“The majority of women who have never had an orgasm are women who’ve never been taught they need clitorial stimulation and don’t know their own anatomy,” says Streicher. Considering that only 18 percent of women report being able to orgasm through penetration alone, clitorial stimulation is most oftentimes a necessary stop on the way to O town.
There’s several ways to explore the magical world of ~the clitoris~. You’ve obviously got your trusty hands (reliable and, not to mention, free!), but there’s also a cornucopia of sex toys made specifically for clitorial stimulation, and which let you explore different vibrations and intensities that your hands can’t offer. You can incorporate toys into your solo masturbation sesh or penetrative partnered sex, too!
Plus, “some people say that when they use a vibrator, the orgasm is more intense, quicker, and more pleasurable for them,” says Streicher. Win-win.
2. Drink water—plain and simple!
This tip seems rather “Duh!”, but in order for your body to function optimally, in general, it needs plenty of water. It’s no surprise then that in order to have some stellar orgasms, you need to be hydrated. “Your muscles cannot properly contract [when you’re dehydrated] and it doesn’t feel good when they do because those muscles are just crying out for water,” says Oriowo. Also, you’ll want to grab some H2O before sex anyways as your body will be working hard and breaking a sweat.
3. Make sure you’re comfortable with your partner.
This one also seems rather obvious, but there’s a scientific reason why you’ll want to feel safe around your sexual partners. “One of the theories of climax is that it may be a large synchronous firing, neurally speaking,” says Prause. “If that’s the case, it makes sense that this might be a hard state to achieve because you shouldn’t want to be in such a state if you’re not in a protected area.” In other words, you’ll have an easier time reaching orgasm if you feel confident that your partner won’t judge you for your weird sex faces, and you’re comfortable enough around them to truly let loose.
4. Be present.
“One of the things that I hear often when I’m speaking to clients in the therapy room is that they are simply distracted while having sex, in general,” says Oriowo. Newsflash: If you’re focusing too much on the way you look during sex rather than paying attention to the act itself and how you feel, it’s going to be a challenge to achieve peak pleasure. So being present and noting what feels good and what you’re wanting more of can help you have better sex, unless your goal is to have a ruined orgasm, says Oriowo. And if that’s your kink, you do you!
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