Finding My Feet in the Face of Relapse
01 Jonathan has struggled with a variety of OCD subtypes over the years, including Harm OCD, Sexual Orientation OCD and Contamination OCD.
02 Following the birth of his children and a few big life changes, his symptoms came back with a vengeance.
03 Despite being aware of productive coping mechanisms and treatments, it's been a challenge for him to regain balance. He offers advice for other sufferes fighting a similar battle.
I’m currently going through a relapse.
Of course this is to be expected when you have OCD. It’s a chronic condition that waxes and wanes through one’s life. Sometimes you feel like you put these OCD nightmares behind you; sometimes you lapse; and sometimes, as is the case for me at the moment, you feel like you’re back to square one.
Given the nature of OCD, there is nothing particularly special about this experience. Nonetheless, it’s frustrating and, in a sense, humbling. That’s especially true when you look at the stories of fellow OCD sufferers who describe how they got better.
These stories tend to follow a similar arch — unbearable symptoms, finally receiving a diagnosis, life-changing ERP, some kind of advocacy work. All pretty awesome and inspiring, but lacking the (possible) darker sequel to part one, in which the OCD sufferer relapses and struggles to get back on their feet, despite knowing about all the wonderful tools available.
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OCD hit me with a vengeance about three years ago when my daughter was born. This time around, the OCD started tormenting me with my favorite theme — sexuality. I can pretty much pinpoint the day I started obsessing and compulsing about this topic.
Prior to that, I had been struggling with other common themes such as harm, health and contamination fears. After I got better thanks to the help of a respected OCD expert, a series of events took place that coincided with worsening OCD symptoms.
First, my dad with whom I had been close, died of cancer. Then I changed my job and moved to a different country. I got married and became the father of two wonderful children.
I feel like none of these events single-handedly sparked my OCD, but they all provided a backdrop against which my OCD flourished. Maybe stress is to blame, maybe it’s just a coincidence. In any case, I felt like I had positive distractions, and above all, good social interactions before I entered this phase of my life.
What I’ve done the last three years is the textbook version of what you’re not supposed to do when you have OCD. I started researching scientific articles about sexuality and constantly checked my physical and emotional reactions to triggering material.
I feel like none of these events single-handedly sparked my OCD, but they all provided a backdrop against which my OCD flourished.
The result has been a grotesque nightmare of Kafkaesque dimensions in which I have, at times, lost my sense of self and no longer known what I like and what I don’t. It’s an experience you don’t wish on your worst enemy. The constant compulsions have taken up most of my mental bandwidth, which has made functioning a real challenge.
Not surprisingly, I have also struggled with severe depression. The fact that my life is actually pretty awesome — great, supportive family, a successful job, traveling the world, many amazing friends — hasn’t made it much easier. In fact, the contrast to my reality has been all the more painful. Moreover, the fact that I have a PhD hasn’t been helpful either. I have the impression that the OCD is accessing my analytical skills and attention to detail to deconstruct my sense of self even further.
So what’s to be learned from all of this?
First of all, don’t despair. When you have OCD, relapses can be expected. With the right treatment, getting back on track should be possible. That being said, if you can stop the bleeding early, do yourself the favor and do so. My current episode has been way too long.
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Second, experiment with medication (responsibly of course). At the advice of my psychiatrist, I started augmenting the SSRI I am taking with an additional medication. This showed great results in the beginning, even though the effect has somewhat waned.
Third, try to lift your mood. I feel like I am much more able to apply my OCD strategy when I am not depressed. Besides medication, exercise, seeing friends and meditation can all help with that.
Fourth, accept that there are no shortcuts. At the end of the day, this is about accepting uncertainty. The following script basically summarizes the required work:
“I will stop testing.”
“I might feel uncomfortable for a very long time. And I might not ever know for sure if my identity is what I want it to be.”
“I cannot continue to do what the OCD wants and at the same time show up for my life. I may get short term relief only to discover that I got more rituals to do - and still not have a certain answer to my question.”
“I’m going to take the risk to abandon these rituals to be the father and husband I want to be.”
Accept that there are no shortcuts. At the end of the day, this is about accepting uncertainty.
This is, of course, easier said than done. Still, the key is to stop the compulsions.
Like one OCD expert eloquently put it, “If you don’t play, OCD can’t play.” If your insight is poor and you believe what OCD is telling you, you still need to stick to the battle plan.
I tattooed the word “Memento” on my arm to remember that point. What you should strive for is a kind of stoic attitude vis-à-vis the OCD, especially when the internal data you’re receiving seem very threatening,
"Yeah, maybe. And now fuck you, OCD, I got more important things to take care of.”
